Diary of a Black Woman Living with Fibromyalgia TV

20/11/2011

Dear Diary,

Today I should be flying with my mother and son, on my way to the beautiful Island of Jamica.  Unfortunately I was so illl that I could not even move and things just got worse.

My mother had put so much heart and soul into presenting CJ and I with a fantastic christmas present of going to Jamaica for two weeks.  However the last two weeks my health started to deteriorate, I;m not sure whether it was the increased stress from inconsistent care, feeling unsupported by health professionals, financial worries, feeling like a burden to my family, or the change in weather all a combination of everything?  

I feel guilty of how she must be feeling going to Jamaica alone right now, without CJ and I.  She could have taken her husband, but instead she chose to give such a beautiful gift to me, and again this curse of living with Fibromyalgia and PTSD has managed to effect my family.  

As I had cancelled my care my son also had to stay with me.  Things got worse after I had to go and have my jabs to go on holiday, there are significant side effects, joint stiffness, kneck pain etc.  To have these on top of the added pain I already go through was just too much and it was exhausting I just cried and cried.  I was not even able to get up the stairs to go to bed or even be touched to change my clothes for bed.  I slept on my small 2 seater sofa where I have been sleeping for the last week as the bed I have feels too hard and hurts me to sleep on.  Crazy how I have loved my bed all these years but now it causes me pain to sleep on it.

Trying to explain to my parents how ill I was feeling was quite difficult, "...of course I want to go to Jamaica...how will I cope in this much pain doing the journey to Gatwick, then being on a plane then travelling from the Jamaican airport to our destination and being in pain recovering from the travelling..." on top of the pain I am feeling now I just could not cope with more pain not knowing when the pain will end.

Now I have ruined things for everyone, and just want to shut myself off from the world for a while!

28/11/2011

Dear Diary,

I have not written here for a long while because I have been afraid to!

One of the care agencies I was assigned to reported me using social networking sites and threatened me with legal action.  But now I just don't believe it's a good thing for me to be quiet and keep taking all that I have to deal with in silence.

The systems that are in place, educational institutions, certain healthcare government agencies feel like they are in place to just tick the boxes, dot their i's and cross their t's.

For example care plans that are put in place for clients how well or often are they adhered to?

Do people really know if Care Agencies really care of if it is about the money at all times?

I am grateful for the little help I receive which is better than nothing at all, but what compromises do I have to make to receive this help, how much do I have to suffer in silence, how much do I have to take?

People in authority positions of power, people with money they get away with what they want I have witnessed this with my own eyes.  There is no justice for people like me, like my son, nobody cares, nobody is interested, a friend told me "...stop fighting everyone...choose your battles..."  So now I'm done fighting!

I'm getting my son out of this country before his education gets ruined, he has been so disappointed in the systems they have slowly taken pieces of his spirit.  Watching me with my disability is frustrating for him.  Truly he has lost his sympathy at times, and just mocks me for crying, by saying "stop being a baby" but if only he knew the burdens I bare truly, trying to go to college in pain, trying to do buses in pain, trying to walk up and down hills with my sides and hip feeling like I have a open wound someone is shoving their fist in.  Being in college in all that pain and being judges by Tutors who have no clue of what I am feeling the frustration of not being normal, being afraid, standing out like a sore thumb because of how I look.  I tick every equal opportunity box, female, black, disabled.  Struggling financially to catch taxi's home, worrying I may be late for carers.

then there is the memories of accidents gone by being afraid whilst in carers cars while they drive being behind lorries and feeling fear, remembering when I look out of my window I was assaulted there and no one did anything to stop it.  Living with painful childhood memories, I know other peoples lives have been worse but I feel like the cards life has dealt me have been so unfair.

Then I see the light, I see the blessings God has bestowed upon me, my writing, my Radio volunteering job, my beautiful son, my lovely mother, my home, my dogs and life is not so hard to deal with after all, I have to live to fight another day and try to get over my self pity!

Diary of a Black Woman Living with Fibromyalgia 50

7th September 2011

Dear Diary,

Things have been crazy since I last wrote you many months ago, many care agencies have been involved with my care things have been quite difficult and stressful.  My health has not been at its best lately I've been experiencing good days but as usual I'm so glad for the good days that I over do it and end up suffering for the next couple of weeks.

Got a letter from my Consultant Rheumatologist today to read him stating "that I will suffer from fibromyalgia ...long-term" was disheartening.  I'm going to try and get better, sometimes professionals can be wrong.

However having this letter will help my case with the Disability Living Allowance Tribunal.

I had a fantastic time in London for the Carnival Celebrations and I was so happy to be surrounded by so many people from my culture it is nice not to be the minority.

I'm trying to keep it together mentally and focus on a more positive future with me being well, and achieving the goals I have set for myself, but I can only do this with God's help.

I'm starting to re-build my relationship with my family who I have been estranged from, so I noticed a change in my health when I did this as it was causing me much distress.  It is so important to forgive even if you can't forget.

Yesterday I was quite saddened as I noticed 3 more spots on my scalp where I'm experiencing minor hair loss, and I have a lump in my throat too so I'm going to make an appointment with the GP to get that checked out!

I got alot of pain in my kneck and back at the moment so  I'm gonna finish resting up. 23:34pm

29/05/2011

Dear Diary,


Where do I begin? The drama is still happening!!!


I have not written to you in a while, this is because I have been extremely ill.  Following my 12 hour journey back and forth to London I have been in agaony with my legs, my hip, my back and my kneck.  Also the stress it all caused me both physically and mentally left me ill too as with Fibromyalgia the more stress you have the more ill you become which is why if someone is causing me too much stress I just do not keep putting up with it any longer I let them go!


So it took me from the 17th May till the 25th May to recover I had been on my strongest pain killers morphine, they make you soo disorientated, you lose time, I could not get out of bed the whole time, could not be touched so that someone could help me to bath, every time my carers called I was out of it, I had to transfer to the bathroom or toilet crawling on my hands and knees, because I could not hold myself up with crutches.  My poor son bless him he was soo helpful to me, but even he was like "Mum you need to have a bath!" The one thing I am proud of is that I was able to wake up to not let my friend and collegue down in supporting his Breakfast Show once I did my segment I was gone.  Even he was worried and had been telling me that I didn't sound like myself.


Thankfully my mother was so concerned that she came to stay with me, she has her own little catering business so we were able to set up a nice facebook page for her 'Mamma Barnes'.  So I have been teaching her how to use it, reluctantly she started to come out of her whole "mi no like facebook" phase, and then it happened....the drama....her first taste of facebook drama.  First of all let me say I do not believe facebook is the issue and it causes too many problems as alot of people say, it is the people behind the pc who control the accounts who bring the drama, as they also do in real life!


That same 'frenemy' which is what I am going to refer to her as disrespects my mother for the whole world to see on facebook...I WAS LIVID!!!  So in total this 'frenemy' has dissed my son 3 times, and not content with that has now dissed my mother...heck no....it was time to take out the earings!  I sent some texts to put that person in their place.  later I realised one thing, when I am on medications I am not myself this person happens to be on certain herbal medications (if you catch my drift) which I believe causes them to behave in an irratic manner.


The same day I send the text, because I am so irrate about the whole mess, my carer comes out to give me a bath, I am worked up in a frenzy and the time which we have for my morning call is just going by.  She states to me whilst I am in the bath that she only has 10 minutes remaining for her call and so I tell her I am still feeling like vomitting, with all the meds I am taking I suffer with stomache and bowel problems so when I am stressed it goes straight to my stomache so to speak.  So she asked if there was anything she could get me and brought me some bio yoghurt to help settle my stomache and left me sitting in the bath, on my bath board.


As i am trying to get out of the bath, the board gets stuck to my one leg, slides on the ceramic bath top and I fall into the bath, hurting my hip, my right buttock, and right arm.  At this point I am unable to pull myself up because my hand rails are all on the right hand side, I am in soo much pain and I cannot for the life of me get out of this bath....

16/05/2011

Dear Diary,

 

It has been a long time since I last wrote to you soo much has been happening but I know where to start!

Thankful to God because this time 14 years ago I was blessed with a 7 and a half pound baby boy, his birth was not difficult but very easy, I remember waking up about 5am thinking I had wind, so I drank a cup of herbal tea. Then about 8am I had a shower and still felt in pain still thinking I had a tummy upset I had another cup of herbal tea, and thought I will have a sleep, but every hour the pain kept waking me up. At about 1pm I was watching my favourite soap opera at the time 'Sunset Beach' I wanted to find out if Meg was gonna realise Ben was not Ben but an evil twin brother. Still the pain kept going on and on and my belly was going a funny shape, I talked to my baby and was like 'what is up lil man? Why you causing mamma soo much trouble? I already knew the sex of my baby cos I asked, however I never went to any of the baby classes as I was ashamed to go alone!

As I got up from bed to make myself another cup of tea about 2pm I saw a small puddle of water, I remember thinking grrrreat now on top of everything else with pregnancy, one swollen ankle, a hairy belly button, and not being able to see my la la, I have lost control of my bladder and wet myself, as I am cleaning the water up I notice on the tissue and it is not yellow but clear, I remember thinking hmmm this is strange, so I go to my neighbour's house and knock her door to ask her a question, 'Anne, Anne are you there? What does it feel like when you are in labour?' She answered 'Why?' I explained what happened to me and she said in her St Lucian accent 'Child you are in labour!!!!'

At that point I was freaking out, OMG! OMG! Anne called an ambulance and CJ's Dad who came with half a head of hair done as he was in the middle of braiding his hair, it was hectic all systems go, we get to the hospital at 3pm, and I start to think OMG!! I didn't go to the toilet and I need to go cos I had heard about how people have poopy accidents on the labour bed and mm mmm mmm that was not gonna happen to me, so I go to the bathroom and start pushing like c'mon baby coming here hurry up and go to the loo, the nurse starts to knock the door and say 'Miss Nation, Miss Nation, I know you feel like going to the toilet right now but it is the feel of the baby's head engaging and if you do not open the door you will have a baby drop in the toilet..' Oh Lord with that I come out and pop back on the trolley bed and I am breathing and crying cos it is hurting, my baby Daddy was not there he is parking his car I'm alone with only the hospital staff.

As I enter the labour room, the nurse says can we examine you and I place my legs up on the stirrups and she is like 'Annika you are fully dilated you're ready to have this baby, can we change you into a gown?' I was like 'Nope it hurts I just need to push please and get it out, I wanna push' but my baby Daddy is nowhere to be seen he was parking the car, I was sooo scared and tired. Finally the nurse said 'C'mon Annika not long now if you don't push the baby may go into distress, and we may have to do a c-section!' So I give one last push and bam at 3:28pm he is born, I remember holding his straight cat like hair lol, navy eyes and he was not brown but he was as light as an Asian baby lol he smelt like honey and was beautiful, with cute lips he started looking at me a little and I was like 'Hey lil man welcome to the world' at that point his Dad walks in the room in shock like 'You've had the baby..that's a record?

Now 14 years later I have to say as easy as he came into the world helping his Mamma, he is still doing the same, and easy child to take care of very helpful and supportive God bless him.

So the beginning of my week was crazy my carers from the social services came to me on Sunday to help get me ready, then the nurse came to administer my medications, and a nurse assistant came to take me to church, as CJ and I are getting ready to go into her car she says 'Oh, I can't take your son with us because it is not in the care plan and when I went to a client before I was not insured to carry the friend they had with them' I was great what is going on she then says 'I can take you on your own' I thought leave my son alone, yea right, I respond, 'We have been having care for 7 weeks now no other carer has said what you are saying now, so she calls the office and they say they are not able to take us to church…' I was broken. When she left I cried and just went to bed then I get a phone call in the evening to cheer me up my son has a brother by another mother, he always spends his birthday with his brother as they are born on the same day only 2 years difference in age. She has booked a Go Karting session which is great so we arrange for me to that he will spend the weekend together, the only thing to arrange is how he will get there, either his Dad will collect him and return him, or I will go with him on the coach. I have carers take me out every Wednesday , Thursday and Saturday so that is when I am able to buy the ticket. Unfortunately I cannot do this online as you know with Fibromyalgia you suffer with 'foggy brain' and an 'Adjustment Reaction Disorder' makes you forgetful so I have lost about 3 bank cards in the last 2 months.

So the Tuesday comes and my nurse comes out to administer my medication, as she is leaving she says 'Do you think you will feel better later to be at the planning meeting?' I had no clue what she was talking about 'I said 'Hopefully..' This all started to make sense my social worker had been asking me to sign consent forms for the last 3 weeks about talking and discussing my care plan with other agencies, but I was not happy to do this, consent from with my Consultant Psychologist. To know that sooo many people were going to be discussing me without being invited, a planning meeting that means my social worker, the care managers, occupational therapists, physiotherapists, G.P and any other agencies involved in my care all making decisions with no one representing me or even inviting me it just made me soo angry and feel my privacy was being invaded. I was so stressed out because I was not well enough to attend I stressed myself out for the whole day.

Wednesday morning, my social worker calls me to advise me that her and the panel have decided they can no longer take me to church on a Sunday, this decision was made during the planning meeting, I broke down in tears and just cried, church is all I have to help me have positivity. The same morning, I had my social call, so that I could go to sort out things at the radio station, it takes 30 mins to get there and 30 mins to return, sessions are booked, so if I am going to be late there is no point me going, my nurse assistant to take me out is supposed to be with me by 10:00am so that I can have a 2 hour call from 10am-12pm at 10:20am she was not with me so with all the stress of being ill, hearing this news I just cancelled the call! I hate having to be dependent on people for help, having a disability really leaves you without control of your own life a lot of the times, sometimes because you are physically unable to decide things or control your day to day duties and partly because people just don't understand or refuse to.

Thursday comes along and I am just stressing about this planning meeting I am bed ridden and cannot eat, I am shaking all over, feeling quite sick the carers come out and call the G.P I am having a reaction to the Morphine, all day I am the same vomiting and cannot function, so I have to cancel my social call again which is frustrating because I am panicky if I am this ill I may ruin my son's birthday and not be able to take him to London, what can I do?

Friday comes along, yes Friday the 13^th I get a distressing call in the morning, a call from someone I had considered a friend making some really personal comments about me, it hurt me and I am just feeling the pressure, I don't know how much more I can take?

In the evening my son kindly takes me into town to go to the bank as I have lost my card and need to withdraw money, on the way back we use the bus. The bus driver refuses to lower the bus and pull out the ramp he states you can have one or the other, this is the first time I have heard this and I am just in shock, my son is already struggling to help me, it is not easy for him wheeling around his Mum, he strains his arm to lift me onto the bus and then when we are getting of the bus the front of my wheelchair gets damaged. This is it for me I feel done now how much more do I have to take.

I just ignore and try to think about making my son happy for his Birthday thankfully we get our day return coach tickets which cost us £64.00 he gets to see all his sibblings thankful to the hard work of his step-mother they go Go-Karting and he has a great time.

However bring on the drama again my mother receives a call from this friend who makes unwarranted accusations, they also take it upon themselves to discuss the situation with my 13 year old son soon to be 14. I just see this is a plan to get me to lose it, so I just think, spend some time alone in London for a couple of hours watching the world go by and think. There are two weaknesses in my life my Mum and my son when people mess with them I just lose it, in order to keep my cool I decide it is best for me to just keep my distance from this friend because she is getting out of control, and we cannot resolve this issue as when I try to discuss the issue with her all she does is talk and not listen, you know when you are trying to say something to someone and they keep interrupting you, so you forget your chain of thought and have to go back to the beginning, in the end it is just pointless you have to leave them to time either they will realise what you were saying or they won't, I am guilty of loving to talk and not always listen but working in journalism teaches you to talk and listen not just talk.

To add to another situation I lose my purse with my money in and my other card in so bam that was the end to a great weekend I could not wait to get home and just sleep 12 hours of a journey too much drama but my son had the best time and that's all that counts.

The silver lining to all of this was I got to catch up with a dear friend from the BBC and they gave me the scoop of some gossip for my new segment on www.newstyleradio.org.uk on the breakfast show with Dean Alexander and that went to a great start, I just think it is best to surround myself with positive people and loved ones anyone else anything else I cannot let it concern me negative things will happen you can't stop it, negative people will be in your life you cannot avoid it, bit how you deal with it, is what makes the difference!

12/04/2011

Dear Diary,

Life has been unbearable, currently I am all over the place, I feel sad most of the time, I miss my independence!  

Today I made a stand, I refused to not have a bath, the carers want me to wash in the bathroom sink, where my son washes his face and brushes his teeth, how can they expect me to wash my whole body as a female in there in this heat, I understand the whole health and saafety issues as I have had x2 including today 3 falls but I just needed a bath desperately, I needed to feel clean, I cried and cried sobbing myself to the Lord for help, just some help so that I can be independent without people bathing me, seeing me naked, strangers in and out of my home all the time people who I do not know, looking at my naked body, it is humiliating, being told when I must eat I have no apetite when I am feeling like this, I have lost alot of weight, but I still feel bloated, I miss going to the gym! Today for the first time I missed being in a loving relationship having someone to protect me so I called on God and sobbed to him!

I will be heading to Coleg Glan Hafren to enrol on an online ECDL course also English and Maths! I just need to refresh my memory what I have lost since the RTA and with one of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia being 'foggy brain' I thought it would be a good start, they are all home study courses through 'Learn Direct' so I don't have to worry about being able to travel there and the fatigue from a journey, plus I am no longer driving, so I'm reliant on carers for support again which I am grateful for at times, even if it seems I am not!

I am looking forward to the 'One Love Peace Festival' got an email to say I will be interviewing Aswad so I'm looking forward to that!

Tomorrow, will be better I hope going to my 'Dart' photography course so that might cheer me up!

I had a prayer with CJ today and read the UCB 'Word For Today', it made reference to how we need to be honest with God talk to him and tell him our issues even if we argue with him he likes us to be honest with him, I want to be healed and I need a vehicle to get from a to b, I need to get back to my studies, get a job and be financially independent again! That's my prayer!

CJ and I had a prayer together a family that prays together stays together after all, we had Isaiah 6 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=isaiah%206&version=KJV this helped me expecially because I had bad dreams throught the night, I think I lose focus on what is important at times there has been so much discouragement lately doors closing left right and centre, and I have not had the strength to fight.  But I pray that God be my strength my shield and my buckler to keep moving!

05/04/2011

Dear Diary,

So much has been happening this week it has been hectic!

I started off the week with my new carers and Home Start carers supporting me, all was going well until I had a few falls in the shower now I have to wait till I get an OT assesment before they will help me in the shower.  On top of that I have a social networking critique making accusations of me faking my illness WHY???

It's not enough that I have to live with Fibromyalgia but I have to cope with accusations of faking an illness insane people are absolutely insane anyone who knows me understands I live in fear of God and pretending to have an illness could just lead to actually being ill so I try to be positive and push myself by doing the best I can to pretend to be well and live as normal a life as possible I like my independence and hate needing help, hate being pushed in a wheelchair, hate being stuck in bed because of pain, medications because of pain.

Today I went to see a Rheumatologist at the University Hospital of Wales Professor Choy he said that once my depression gets better my fibromyalgia should get better he also said there are many different forms of fibromyalgia and the one form I suffer with is effected by my depression, so he is gonna refer me to a counsellor or psychologist.

Got alot of pain in my neck at the moment especially after being prodded and poked by the Rheumatologist during my examination gonna hit the sack now! xx

01/04/2011

Dear Diary,

I am unable to sleep, so much is happening in my life that is effecting my mental stability and I do not have the strength to deal with it all alone, and I do not know how to pray anymore?

At the moment I am listening to the UCB Gospel channel and appreciating the songs they are so encouraging songs of assurance that everything is ok, and everything will be alright and as I type I actually believe it, all things that seem impossible for me to solve are because i am actually not meant to solve them God will sort it out, there are certain situations I am just not in control of and that is because God expects me to exercise my faith muscles my trust in him the real question is do I really trust God will do right by me and my family?  I am smiling while I type this I do, I know he created me in his image, he loves me, he has saved my life on numerous occasions I should not be here, be alive today, but against all odds Hello, I am here a living testimony of miracles being able to still happen in 2011, so you know what he is taking care of my loved ones and we will all see heaven together with his help.

I am really looking forward to the future it is bright, blessings are in store!  I have a new TV show in the works yes online TV I will be working on the Black International Film Festival and supporting my son's school to start a PTA life is looking up with new possibilities.  I appreciate my Pastors they are wonderful and my friends and immediate family there is alot of love and I need to project that love and stop feeling negatively!

30/03/2011

Dear Diary,

CJ starts his new school on Monday I hope he does well I will support him all I can, I wish for him to be successful have a good happy life, and move far away from here!

We are blessed in this country so not too far away but far enough so that the negative labelling that is happening with our family will never effect him.  My mum and I have been through soo much some self inflicted and some uncalled for backlash from alleged family, friends and brethren.  

I pray God tell me what one is to do when the ones who you turn to for help turn against you, who can one run to?  I can only think of the psalmist David who says "I will look to the hills from whence cometh my help, my help cometh from the Lord" knowing that a great sacrifice as an innocent life was made on that old rugged cross, I must live!  I must try to overcome thoughts of self harm, thoughts of suicide, thoughts of doubt.  My success will encourage others to succeed and break this continuous negative cycle.

It is time for me to take life seriously, stop moping around feeling sorry for myself and do better God has given me sooo much to be happy about, I am blessed!  

I have a magnificient mother, a wondeful son, and good friends who care about me and love me, I am thankful!

It is time to claim 2011 as my year of victory and success not be a vicitm to failure keep knocking on doors they will open, and if they do not open, ask God to give me the key for the earth is the Lords and the fullness there of I am looking forward to spending time with my family I enjoy movie night and games night hopefully we will have more happy times never forgetting a family that prays together stays together!

29/03/2011

Dear Diary,

It has been a difficult couple of weeks, I feel so alone, like nobody actually gives a darn!

I have a social worker, support worker, G.P, consultant, occupational therapist, physiotherapist and carers but I feel like I am just a number, a list they go through ticking their boxes do they really care?

My social worker I only see her when she has to keep her records updated, my support worker has been ill for about two months and soon because of funding will be leaving, my G.P is a star bless but he has soo many patients to see, my consultant I can hardly understand what she says I see her every 3 months, my occupational therapist is a star but they change so often I never know where I am and my physiotherapist thinks I can do all these exercises and must work through the pain.

It is fast becoming too much I just wish to find a cure so I can have a normal life.

The pain has been unbearable this week and I have been going through issues with my work that have really not helped.

Not having that extra support with my disability living allowance has not helped but there is nothing I can do except re-apply and get updated support letters in with my application.  I am due to have HOME START in as of Friday and extra support from a carers agency as my mobility has been really bad, I do think it is because of all the mental stress I am under.  I really have been down and not able to pick myself up, I am putting my mother in charge of my affairs she is the only one I can trust.

I've had to put in for a drivers license change as I cannot drive a manual car anymore and I will have to put other modifications in.  This made me feel the pressure, I cannot believe that things have become so difficult I never thought my life was going to be like this at 32.  I spend alot of time in bed, not being able to do much, I can't even make it to the local shop on foot anymore.  That has been a hard pill to swallow.

I was thinking the other day that if an animal was suffering they would think it cruel and want to put them out of their misery, who will put me out of mine?

15/03/2011 cont.....from 14/03/2011

Dear Diary,

So where was I ....ah yes..I remember now bawling like a baby is where we left off!

So I get home and just can't wait to get to my bedroom, I am meant to be going to my Dad's 50th Birthday Celebrations and my Uncle's 65th Birthday Celebrations they are having a double birthday party, the dress code is caribbean.

I feel pathetic, I have no transportation to get there, I have no money left for a taxi there, I have not heard from my Dad and frankly I am such a mess emotionally I would probably spoil the party.

I just lock my door, put a pillow over my face and start to cry uncontrollably like a baby.  when you are feeling this low, worthless all sorts of crazy thoughts go through your head about you life not being worth living, the only thing sustaining me is the thought of how my beautiful son would feel if I were not around.

I telephone his father and ask what he would do if I was ever unable to look after his son, he responds with all the wrong answers which adds to the need for me to keep fighting and pressing toward the mark of the higher calling which is in Christ Jesus.

I cry so hard that when I wake up the next morning I can hardly move I am stiff all over, and low and behold my mother is here, every time I am really ill God sends her to me.  She comes and tells me that CJ said to her in a whispering voice so that i could not hear or wake up "Nan Mum is a little bit upset right now she has been crying because she didn't get the job..."  We laughed and I thought bless him he is so sweet, I explained it was a combination of everything the assault that first caused my disability, the car accidents that finished me off so to speak, the discrimination CJ suffered in The Cathedral School, the loss of my disability living allowance and now not getting a job!

THE GOOD NEWS

Here is the happy ending I open my emails and in my inbox it reads ONE LOVE PEACE FESTIVAL!  When I get around to finally looking at the flyer I see artists such as BUSTA RHYMES, SHAGGY, SEAN PAUL, GYPTIAN, KY-MANI MARLEY well I am so happy to know I will be a part of this it makes my day, I telephone the PR company SHILOH-PR and thank them for including me on their mailing list.

When I go to church the next day God is really speaking through our Elder he encourages us and stops the service and says before we go any further we are all going to lay hands and pray for Sis Annika, he comes over and asks me where the pain is I tell him it is in my kneck, at this point I am in agony my kneck cannot hold my head up it is just flopping everywhere, he begins to pray and i kid you not I feel as if someone has turned the shower on my kneck and the hot water has been turned on but the cold water comes first and towards the end you feel the hot water thats the best way I can describe it then the pain in my kneck is gone.

Now some of you may say she is a loon, some of you may not believe me but from the heart it is true a miracle happened to me!  He ends the service bu summarising in his preaching that some of us are not having the right faith, he tells us there are two types of faith, he defines right faith as faith in Jesus Christ, and misplaced faith as a failure to believe in Jesus and putting your trust in another person.  He emplores us not to let nothing rob our faith and reassures us with the promise left by God that we must proclaim "I will never leave you nor forsake you" John 10:28 as I wrte this I think of the poem "Footprints"

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

14/03/2011

Dear Diary,

This week has been one of the worst weeks I have EVER had, physically, mentally, emotionally I am drained and feel like I have nothing more to give!

I started off the week with hopes and aspirations of it being better than the one before however little did I know what the devil had in store for me....

I was supposed to attend the Ethnic Minorities Communities First Health Fair, I had been so unwell my Fibromyalgia has been at one of it's worst weeks, got myself ready did some work for the proposal of a pilot show to run on the station I work at!  When I finally got around to reading my emails I had missed the opportunity to attend a Heritage Funding Application Business training day and an art class because of all the pain meds I am on it causes me to take a while coming around in the morning and I lose my chain of thought. 

This would have been the opportunity I needed to pick myself up financially, support my BME community and alleviate my stress grrr!!!!  

The next day I read my emails to my dismay I find out that I missed the opportunity to review WESTLIFE concert in Cardiff I was bummed out then to add fuel to my fire I receive a call from the rheumatologist at my hospital to say that they will have to cancel my appointment due to the Consultants ill health!  I was like I sympathise with the position of the Doc but "WHAAAAT I have been waiting for over a year and a half for this appointment and this is the second week they have rang to cancel!"  So then I had to get and get advice from a solicitor as following the DLA reduction and loss, my social worker is stopping my direct payment scheme, and is only giving me 7 hours care in place of my normal 25 hours, CJ is not receiving the support he needs, we are struggling over here!

I then recieve a call from one of my volunteers to say a training session I have been waiting 2 years for has to be postponed by this time I had become numb you know when you are receiving blows and you lose sensation in your body that was me.

So the Wednesday is here that I was dreading and we have an appointment at CJ'S new school with the head and her colleague, she was a little narcy because she was curious as to why her school is the closest in my encatchment area and I have not sent my son there?  I replied her received a scholarship and that opportunity could not be missed, CJ and I were both suprised at the low expectations for pupils academically but not to worry he will breeze through just have to give him lots of home study.

So I am a day away from a job interview that I feel may change my life and I open an email that someone didn't mean to copy me in on and they are typing about me in a very negative way.  This shocked me and threw me as I thought this person was genuinely so nice, understood me and cared.  I believed in them and what they stood for, I trusted because they had a disability they knew where I was coming from, however this was not the case.  I was so emotional and thought what should I do I have a presentation to finish for a job interview but all of me just wanted to give up and stay in bed, but I thought no you need something good to happen.  So I looked up the travel times for where I was heading and it stated there were three morning trains I could get in order to arrive for my 09:30am interview..the 07:20am , the 08:00am and the 09:20am.  Even though I would have a change with the 8:00am and it would cost me peak fare I had to take this train.

When I get into my taxi to go to Cardiff train station he tells me that it is all locked off at the front due to the Rugby so I will have to go the opposite entrance, this I was not looking forward to as it means walking in and around the station to get to the lifts!  I finally get to the ticket desk to hear that there is no 8:00am train anymore and the next train will leave at 09:20am, so I call the management with whom I will be meeting with to inform them of my late arrival.  

I finally arrive at my destination in Pontypool there is nooo lift just a bunch of stairs and no taxi rank thankfully a colleague Malcolm collects me from the station but I am not dressed in my winter best because I cannot have too much heavy clothing on in order to manoevre on crutches, and assumed I would be ok as I was only to be in taxis to the stations and destinations (ooh dat rhymed) anyhooow?!?!  Going down these steps was sheer agaony I was soo anxious as I was not good on my feet that day and thought I may fall my hip was messed up!

Whilst on my way to my interview I discover this post I am applying for has someone acting in the role and (bamm!) I was like I'm not getting this job because they are also applying for the job, then without meaning to a conversation arises about that email I saw, (umm helllooo I am already a wreck why are you talking about emotional stuff before an interview Annika somebody shoot me now!?!?)  The interview was neve wracking I was being rushed, I felt intimidated and just wanted to get out!  After all I was late and they had others to interview.  I felt disappointed in myself, I messed up spent £40.00 to get to an interview that I should not even be applying for I thought look at me physically who would want to employ a cripple like me?  A colleague decides to take me back to Cwmbran train station as he is aware of it being easier for disabled peope (ohh how wrong he was).

I got to the train station to go back home and as I was arriving my train was leaving, then there is more...the platform I need to catch my train from is on the opposite side there are no lifts at the God forsaken strain station (yes I said strain instead of train) and I have to go up not one but two flights of stairs to get to a bridge walk over the rail lines and go back down to flights of stairs, I go into the office of the station and ask if there is another route I can take she said "yes it is about a 2 mile walk though!" I was miffed!!!  I see a taxi dropping off a woman and think can I get to him in time before he pulls away to leave?  Thankfully I do I explain my dilemma "Hi I wonder if you can help me? I need to go to the other side of the train station to catch my train I know it is not a large fare but I'm not gonna make it"  he turns his face away looks at the lady she was talking to and then tells me to jump in.  I am so relieved! 

I get to the other side of the station and I have a 40mins wait it is freeaing I can't feel my feet all I have on is a blazer, t-shirt, silk Mc-Hammer trousers and my primsoles definately not winter clothing.  I try to think of hot countries while i am waiting for the train, I am soo late for my next appointment so I ring to cancel it this was another funding support application meeting.  The train is finally coming (yay) I go to get on, sit down and Jheeze I can see my breath, they have the air conditioning on.  I say to the trolley lady "Are you able to turn the air conditioning off please?" she replies "the guard has gone to try and fix it because it is broken I do apologise"  I was like is this a freaking joke, it has got to be a joke I am having a really bad day by now.

I arrive back at Cardiff to the disorganised caos of the building changes due to the rugby, I plan to get to the cashpoint, then get a taxi to my next appointment.  As I look at the distance I have to walk to get there I start to cry and can't stop thank God for my glasses don't wish anyone to see.  I am finally by the lifts to go down to the ground floor of the train station after stopping and starting on the long platform mile.  The doors open everyone gets in the lift \i am trying to get to the doors of the lift and it closes, my tears are now streaming down my face.  When I finally get to the entrance where they are making all the changes for the rugby they have re-diverted the walking path,well I cannot walk all that way so I notice a gap and start heading for it, one of the builders tells me to go the other way please, I'm like "I can't make it you don't understand I just need to walk in a straight line to the cashpoint there is nothing happening in this direction" he replies "there will be soon it is the same distance just go the other way!" I started thinking is he serious?  That would mean turning around following the path I just took then going another direction to get back into the train station, exiting the station the opposite end and then having to stand in a queue to use the cashpoint!  I responded "Look I'm a woman on the edge right about now, I'm in alot of pain, I just need to get to the cashpoint and go to get a taxi to go home..every time there is a match on Cardiff re-arrange the train station and do not consider people who may be disabled...now let me through" he started trying to quarrel, people started to protest and his collegue was like let her through, people started to clap, but I was so emotional that I did not care I just needed to get my cash and go but wait there is more....I have to make my way to the other side of the station for a taxi, this took me anout 20mins to walk 7 metres thats not a long distance trust me it is when you are on crutches and exhausted.  When I finally get to the other side of the train station there are NOOOO TAXIS ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!! I just start to bawl like a baby!

What will I do now?  I look over and see a man in a car eating his lunch and I ask if I can just sit in his car while I phone a taxi because I am freezing cold, he lets me in, now I do not recommend getting into cars with strangers but he was from a taxi firm that does not have contracts to be collecting fares from the train station and he rang another taxi firm for me.  As I get to the office 3 and a half hours late, freezing, exhausted and cried out, I finally get to sit down, then it comes....I need the ladies (for God sake!)  My mum is not around there is no one I can ask for help, I sit there for an hour and thankfully my girl Genaya arrives giving me a hand to the loo (you lose all inhibitions when you are desperate!)

I receive a call to say I did not get the job just as I sit back down, my lip quivers, I start to cry I expected it but with all I am going through I needed it truly I did, I could have got a car, a mobility scooter regained my independence got CJ back on track, we would have full cupboards of food again.

I just came home and bawled like a baby crying myself to sleep I was happy for who got it as he had been in the role and needed the job also but still I was just soo frustrated after all I had been through!

When one door closes another door opens to be continued.....

07/03/2011

Dear Diary,

It has been one heck of a week, I started the week off in tears discussing how best my son can go forward with Chidren Social Services following the discrimination he recieved whilst attending 'The Cathedral School'.  As he is registered as a young carer he is considered a 'Child In Need' however there has been minimal support from them in my opinion they could do better.  So I was anxious but relieved about my son travelling to London to spend time with his father and sibblings. 

I had the opportunity to meet and interview the R&B superstar Mario who was cheeky and delightful, the crowd were going crazy over him, this always concerns me as these stars are just human they eat and use the bathroom like every other person does if you cut them they bleed the same.  For me though I was attracted to his bodyguard who was a dark chocolate delight to look at muscles in all the right places I was in a dilemma with my faith however, and pondered; it's human for me to be attracted to males its animal instinct nature however am I lusting? So I called my Pastor today for clarification and what she told me was it is ok to admire and think "wow he is beautiful" and pray to God saying Lord when I have a husband if it be your will let him look like him, however to crave and desire to be sexual with them is the actual sin of lusting but looking and admiring is not actual lust. But either way I must be careful, cos I might find myself staring at pics of Chris Brown all day Lol!

So it was the 54th Ghana Independence Celebrations I fell asleep and missed covering the Part 1 for my blog 'Black Britian is Beautiful' however, I went to the Part 2 celebrations in the ONLY African restaraunt in Cardiff  'TRIBE TRIBE' and it was so delightful there I am making that my regular spot fortnightly; the service, the decor, the atmosphere and the food were all fantastic. I have never really been one for wanting to try African food I had my reservations but for journalistic purposes once I saw there 'Goat Pepper Soup' come through the doors I just had to try it and it was yummy, peppery but lovely I was braving the pepper because it tasted soo good lol.

Then I headed to 'The Cougar Lounge' to support my mate Schwarz who was organising the Ghana Independence celebrations for his company 'Blaqbone Media' I went there with my girl Nat and we had a blast after which we all headed down to the 411 for Part 3 I was being offered Champagne so I thought half a glass may not be an issue well I was tipsy so no alcohol for me ever again and I just remember swaying my head and all my hair falling out and sharing a celebratory kiss (no tongues) with my Mums ex-student which was sweet he is a dream but must never happen again dangerous ground.

Once we left it was a nightmare to get my very tipsy friend Nat to the car she became 'Chun Li' when this guy made a threat to another one of our entourage and was about to drop kick this guy, I quickly realised this would not be happening if I were in church and I felt a little guilty the next day for not representing God better, but I know he understands I am human however I will try to do better in the future.

Sadly things did not go to plan for my son due to personal circumstances of sleeping arrangements but hopefully next month will go ahead and he will get the opportunity to be with his family in London again.  Part of me was glad to have him home with me because I would have missed my munchkin too much, however part of my was annoyed and started to regret being dependant on people for support at times because of the fact when they let you down it is hurtful but when they let your children down it has a knock on effect CJ has been through so much I just want him to have stability! 

Anyway just gonna keep playing the UCB Gospel channel and it is so motivational and helps me to see the positives always put your trust in God he knows best everything happens for a reason whatever will be will be and all of that.  I wish I could see the future and what it holds for my son I just want things to be perfect for him, I wish I could turn back the clock and give him the perfect life he deserves, he is growing so fast and I am trying to stop the years from going by sooo quickly but he is a sweetheart and deserves the best life can offer.  So Lord please keep your eyes on him and send you angels to keep him in all your ways xx

02/03/2011

Dear Diary,

I have not been myself for the past week, I've been really ill physically and mentally.  Have you ever been so depressed that you couldn't focus to pray, or to read your bible? Well that was me, I've had no idea what I am going to do? My DLA has stopped and it feels like there is nothing I can do, I have contacted the Fibromyalgia Association to see if I can get some support from them but they are all the way in Cwmbran! I could re-apply but to go through medical tests and be right back at square one this I don't have the energy for, I need to find a way to move forward.

This weekend will be a huge milestone in my life CJ will be spending the weekend with his brother and he will see his father for the first time in many years!  I have mixed emotions about this, but I am grateful to my son's brothers mother who has been quite helpful, my anxiety struck and then I channelled it differently I thought of how my son might be feeling this is so new to him?  He will be meeting strangers who are his family, and they will not be strangers any more but a beautiful relationship will be forged, it really is not about me it is about the children.  His father also has girls and girls grow up to be women who need to be protected and looked after until they are able to find their soul mate to do so, far from women being the weaker sex however I know that I would like my son to understand that woman are not to be taken advantage of but rather respected, I love the fact that he is so caring with me and hope that he will follow this through not only with his sisters but with his wife when he is of age.  I hope he settles down with the right woman who will not abuse his kind nature although I do not think he would allow himself to be abused nor be the abuser!  I've realised I have sooo many hopes and aspirations for my son and wish to support his dreams fully and give him the expertise of where I went wrong in life so that he does not make those same mistakes.  He is growing into a lovely young man and growing ever so quickly too, can't think where all the years have gone just yesterday I was giving birth and he was a tiny baby in my arms, now he is a 5"10 size 13 shoe 13 year old with younger sibblings to be an example to responsibility has been something he learned from a young age so I have faith in God that he will cope well with this change.

21/02/2011

Dear Diary,

I have no idea where to begin except to say in my sons words this week "sucked!"  

The week started off brilliantly I met with my friend Leigh from the 411 in Cardiff he was telling me about the walk he is doing in support of CORE and the memory of his mother.

I got offered a fantastic job with the CEO of the Black International Film Festival and MVSA.

Made arrangements with Blaqbone Media regarding the MOBO'S coming to Wales.

Then boom! Crash! Bang! I received my Statement of Reasons from the Tribunal hearing for my Disability Living Allowance after their decision to support the decsion makers termination of my award following their EMP and Doctors assessments.  The Doctors basically screwed me over because if people are aware of Fibromyalgia there are no physical medical tests that can be carried out to determined one suffers with this condition.  You need to have x-rays, blood tests, etc.  However the tribunal ignored this and went with their verdicts rather than my G.P'S letters, Physiotherapists Reports, Occupational Therapists, Social Workers Care Plans, and Psychologist letters. 

As I read through the Dept of Working Pensions Doctors report I was heart broken, the last report was so full of c**p he reckoned I could walk 200m alone, without pain, stumbling, or repurcussions.  This is craaaaazy.  He said many untruths and I cannot do anything to prove this because the person who was with me was my Mother and they will just think she is saying things to back me up.

I felt so low again that I hit bottom rock, if I didn't know what fibromyalgia was I would have believed what these Doctors were saying.  They actually made me look like I was to use their words "exaggerating" my illness.  This makes me laugh in sarcasim because it took so long to get a diagnosis before which I was imagining my pain, now I have been finally diagnosed I am "exagerating" my pain.

You know they have noo idea of the effect they have on peoples lives, people who genuinely are disabled, people who genuinely have a illness which means, they cannot be hugged without it hurting, they cannot have a relationship intimately because of fear of pain, they cannot wear thier heels because of pain, they cannot go to hte gym, they cannot have their nails done because of the pain. I am crying while I write this but it is true, I cannot have a full-time job because of fatigue and pain.  I have to take soo much medication I cannot drive, and when I do drive I have pain.  My home looks like a freak shop because of all the adjustmenst that have had to be made.  Why?  Why would I want this life?  I was a cute, nice figured, well dressed girl people would look twice when I passed now *tears* they look and feel sorry for me because I look pathetic having to push a zimmerframe at 32 years old!  This is not the life I want and I will get back on my feet!  This is just my testing.

I am so glad today I was feeling like ending it all right in fromt of their offices but you know instead I called my mother and we prayed and the prayer really helped *tears* some hope there maybe an error in law that the Tribunal made when making their decision so watch this space.  If all else fails Jesus never fails!

15/02/11

Dear Diary,

The Red Ball and Red Party was amazing we raised £401.00 at the last count so I am very pleased.

I am proud of my community and people who turned up to support my grandfathers foundation on the night.

I was so glad to see my family turn out.  I had an unexpectingly nice time with my Dad and his wife at the end of the evening too it was so relaxed!

However people, people, people are so not easy for me to deal with, I do not know where to begin.

I feel battered and bruised, I really do not feel I am best equipt when liaising with people as I have a tolerance level of three strikes and out.  I find people demanding.  They are takers, without giving back much.

I have been trying so hard, grieving over my gramps, struggling with my disability, the way in which it slows me down, causes me pain and frustration, and so when I see some people, how they are able bodied and so self absorbed it gets me real frustrated.  Sometimes they just act like it is all about them spitting their dummy out of a pram saying "me, me, me its all about me!"

One of my colleagues said they can tell a few of the people are not here to support the actual cause but for their ten minutes of fame during the event.  That saddens me, a. because I do not want people to have that perception of the people surrounding me (show me your company and all of that) b. because when you give it is not to receive you are just blessed for the fact you gave c. the objective of the foundation is to support people who are less fortunate to achieve their goals by learning about people who are even more less fortunate then them, teaching them the values of health and strength. 

Leading up to the ball I had so many things to do and felt unsupported by the people I most needed support from and supported by the people I least expected to receive support from.  People who really suprised me were one of my fashion designers showcasing her fashions Genaya Parris, my P.A Sarah, my Administrator Soffie, my Events Co-ordinator Lloyd and my Mums husband Barnes.  Everyone did their bit it could not have been a success without ALL of the people who rallied around me.

But for every Ying there is a Yang, I was let down by a couple of people who I have known of since childhood, by certain family members, and by people who I have been nothing but kind, giving and generous to.

I made some lasting friendships out of this however and I have gained valuable experience and knowledge.

On to the next one Comic Relief LEEEGO!

Oops nearly forgot to thank God for keeping me, for blessing me and causing his face to shine upon me, gonna make more time for him today I am not perfect you know just trying and if I am going to be around the public they will keep a close eye on me, they will expect me to conduct myself in a certain way, and they will talk about me if I do not step up my game.

07/02/2011

Dear Diary,

I was feeling a little low this weak fed up of being incapable physically, I feel like it slows me down, fed up of medications, fed up of the pain, and memory issues.  God gave me a dream, my Bishop had his arms open telling me to "be encouraged things are going to get better" I was honoured I knew it was God encouraging me. 

I had to go to a meeting with the team supporting www.theredballandredparty.com, however the manager of the premises was out of town and his assistant had to open up an hour later than planned. I remember feeling frustrated because I knew persons would be waiting outside of the premises in this cold windy weather, my mothers husband was on his way to collect me as I am unable to drive at this moment, in prayer I was inspired to remain calm, getting emotional will not change the facts, no one is there to open the premises, and they will be an hour late, thankfully the Creative Designer Genaya called me when I told her my predicament and suggested tell everybody to wait in McDonalds further up the street. 

I finally arrive to beautiful faces of relief, as I apologise for my lateness a lady from the U.S starts asking if we are from Cardiff, I am so naughty I put on an accent and say no we are from the U.S (lol) then I ask her "sorry, can I help, are you lost?" as she has a paper in her hand, which looks like a map.  

She proceeds to ask me a question "please don't think me rude, but may I ask if you have been in a car accident?" So I start thinking to myself , she may be an insurance claims officer for people who have had car accidents and is about to tell me about her no win no fee claims applications.  

I reply "yes" she then says "I hope you don't think this strange but God told me that today I was going to meet someone in a red hat who was in a car accident and I must pray for them!"  

Now because I am promoting my www.theredballandredparty.com event, I am constantly in red from head to toe.  She then proceeded to show me this papaer in her hand that I had assumed was a map previously, stating the following "God had told her that by a red flag, near a pizza shop, she would see a lady in a red hat, who had been involved in a car accident"  I looked at the paper and it was written down, she then asked "may I pray for you?"  I was in shock, total shock I had no idea what to say or think, I started to fill up with tears, one of my team says let her pray for you, and her Mum with her agrees; "Go on let her pray for you!" One of our designers Managers tells me "let her pray for you" I thought I need to get my team out of the cold and if this lady can come with me to McDonalds sure, as I want to talk with her some more and have her pray with me, but I can feel my legs seizing up in the cold.  

We make our way to McDonalds and it is packed, people are behaving inappropriately, I proceed to sit down to meet the rest of the team, and wait for this lady, but she is kept there talking to the Manager of one of our designers, she comes over giving me her number on a piece of paper, including an email address and says, "I can see you are busy right now so we will arrange to meet again" I later find out from the Manager of one of www.theredballandredparty.com designers that she allowed her to pray for her, she was pouring her heart out crying to her, this woman is an Evangelist from the Florida who is visiting the U.K, she has been preaching and performing miracles in their church The City Temple, I was kinda heated then because, I needed the time with this Evangelist and here is this Manager telling me she got MY prayers (lol) but she seized the moment.

So in church yesterday, the word is being brought to us by Overseer Dexter Edmund who has come over from the U.S, he tells us that this year 2011 theme is "A time to Conquer" we must know all of us have our purpose, we should not pay attention to what people think or are saying focus on our visions "Seize the moment" I was up of my chair at that moment like (poof!) praising God and waving my hands (lol) I must have looked crazy, but I didn't care I knew why I was so happy, my vision is my Gramps foundation to better the lives of people who are less fortunate in society.  I was the first to get to the altar and ask for prayer, but I really wanted to ask Overseer Edmund to pray for me, however I looked at one of the mothers of the church who was looking at me strangely, and I became afraid to ask, that moment although I had heard the words "seize the moment" although I had heard Overseer Edmunds words regarding Peter the disciple seizing the moment he says in Matthew 14; "Peter seized the moment, out of all the disciples he could say I walked on water, I may have sank, but I walked on water, through his faith, none of the other disciples did this".  He also preached that in Luke 13 a blind man cried to Jesus to heal me, that was it I knew that moment that I am going to get better, things are going to get better a change is happening for me

My prayer this week is not to be discouraged to reach my goals because of people or fellow brethren in church, who are people they are all servants of God, lower than the heavens, irrespective of their titles in church, irrespective of their jobs in society, no one is better than anyone here! 

I am reminded of the scripture where Martha had been running around to make preperations for a dinner where Jesus would be present, but all Mary did was buy expensive perfume and bathe his feet John 12:3. There are those who are interested in taking care of the physical needs of the Elders in church, constantly keeping watch over how close people get to the Elders in the church because they are human, and need to rest, and those who are interested in taking care of the spiritual needs, both are valuable needs and can work hand in hand not against one another. 

We each have our use and purpose. 

I pray God teach me from this lesson between Mary and Martha, I am not loved more than the drug addict on the streets, than the murderer in prison, than the prostitute selling her body and than the alcoholic homeless man living on the streets. God is no respector of persons heaven will not have different sections for Bishops, Doctors, Politicians the ONLY hierarchy is GOD himself.

I then went to my Uncle's house for dinner he was quick to let me know what the streets are gossiping of with regard to the members in church, how he doesn't need to go to church, he doesn't want to hear what people have to say.  Well to be honest neither do I, I go to church to hear from God, to have a positive outlook on life, to be around like minded people, in Corinthians 11 Paul states "Follow me as I follow Christ.." in other words if you see me faulter not following Christ don't stop following the ultimate leader after all no one is perfect, we are human, no one in church professes to be perfect, sure you have many characters, and there may be times people being human will say or do things that are discouraging whether they be in church, or not! However, the bible says in Hebrews 11:25 Choosing rather to suffer the afflictions with the people of God than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season.  It is my goal to make heaven sin will not be my key to heavens pearly gates because Romans 6:23 states "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord"

I have been through hell on earth, beaten down till my body can no longer function so like my Overseer Dexter Edmund says "heaven has to be better than this".

In a nut shell, I have been through so much negative things through people in church and out of church, but the worst I have to worry about in church is peoples looks and mouths, I have to worry for my personal safety when not in church, my life, I have experienced being held hostage at gunpoint in my home, being beaten up till my foot was dislocated in three places and broken, I have been spat at, sworn at, had a knife held to my throat.  So if you ask me church is a bed of roses in comparison.  To you Uncle I say Matthew 7 not everyone who says Lord Lord will make it but being in the right place at the right time helps, and church is the right place for me, that's my choice.

Spending time with my Uncle was nice it is strange how much of him reminds me of my Gramps, when Gramps was alive I never noticed how much all my Aunties and Uncles are like my Grandad, the things they say, do the facial expressions.  I felt close to Grandad at that moment.  His wife is an excellent cook OMG she is a chef and OMG I had a 3 course meal lol I felt like a Princess, I was vexed when my Mum came for me to take me home I wanted seconds.

I am thankful for the help of my family and friends truly I am blessed but most of all i am thankful to be in Gods favour, if God is for me then no one can be against me.