20/08/12

Dear Diary,

I've been going through a lot of changes lately, changes with my medications, changes with my finances, changes with my volunteer roles, changes with my living circumstances and changes as a parent.

Let's start with my concerns about my medical conditions, Fibromyalgia - I know the winter is fast approaching and anticipate being more housebound, this is concerning to me and I am doing my best to plan ahead.  I have a car but it's due for an MOT and the tax has to be renewed.  My back-up plan to that is my mobility scooter.  However, I'm concerned that I'll be so ill, I will not be able to function from the side effects of having to take morphine based pain meds.

My finances, I'm currently going through a tribunal with the DLA and am concerned following the 'Panorama' and 'Dispatches' expose of how the new government intitiative called "Working Capability Assesment" may effect the results.  It has been reported that there is a million pound contract between the company contracted to provide Doctor's who carry out these "Medical Assesments" and rigid guidelines have been set in place by them inhibiting the amount of people they qualify for DLA on a point scoring system.  I'm trying to keep an open mind but predict that even if my DLA is reinstated through the "Tribunal" I'll be sent to take another WCA and have to go through the whole draining and frankly incapacitating procedure again.

I had arranged to take a vacation with CJ, my Mum and I to Jamaica, the persons we booked through were bogus and we lost our money this was quite distressing, and because of my "Adjustment Reaction Disorder" it led me to be quite ill mentally. I let down the place where I volunteer I had arranged to get voice overs from Jamaica and left me looking like an idiot, and I lost the respect of my managers. I'm trying to keep an open mind about getting my monies back but the likelihood is slim.

Following this my son also volunteers with a friend of his who happens to be a young carer, they have been making such an effort to get things right over the past couple of months and have progressed, however due to 'office politics' which they are far too young to understand, they were really let down.  However I was encouraged by the UCB reading today. 

"Is your goal to restore prodigals, or do you have a hidden agenda to elevate yourself by condemning those around you?"  I believe there was a mole behind all of this who indirectly did all they could to sabotage a young persons dreams not mine, but a young persons, which is quite sad and cowardly, I wonder if they realise that children are not always going to be children and will grow up one day! I tried my hardest to explain myself to someone I considered to be a colleague and a friend who sadly got caught in the crossfire, but due to his various other commitments and work load, he just could not understand where I was coming from, I tried various different approaches, talking to him alone, sending emails, and confiding in him with my carers present, but even they observed that he just doesn't seem to understand where "you are coming from or what you're trying to say... you both have different opinions and just have to agree to disagree." However there are many other organisations my son can seek support from and many other people too so he will progress with God's help. I'm still finding it hard to cope at home, I'm desperate for adaptations, I'm also desperate for support with parenting, I'm missing the old me and CJ is too, but my medical consultants have advised my conditions are long term and will not improve but get worse. I feel like such a burden to CJ I've tried so hard to get things right for him but seem to fail each time, his future was so bright until he became a young carer and as much as it breaks my heart he may be better off elsewhere with someone who can give him what he needs? Thoughts of self harming came thick and fast all of last week and the week before, so I had to start smoking again.  I can't take certain medications when driving because my responses are not as quick, so I'll visit my G.P today and ask for advice. Needless to say this had an impact on my mobility, stress effects Fibromyalgia but stress isn't avoidable at all times, and the support I'm having through "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" is helpful. I will not give up where there is a will there is a way and I am a firm believer that when one door closes another door opens.

09/08/2012

Dear Diary,

Woke up this morning with swollen right hand and numbness in my finger tips and left foot.  I spent a couple of hours with my friend and her new-born baby girl yesterday, I took so many photos, I felt like the paparazzi LOL. I realised when I am focused on other things, I become distracted from the pain I'm in which helps me to relax.  Also I didn't wish to have any negative vibes around this angel from heaven.

It was nice to be around positive people I will miss her as she lives far away, and is like a footballers wife constantly having to relocate.  I made sure to take plenty of pictures so I can reminisce when she's gone, it also helped me to remember what CJ was like when he was a baby, how vulnerable children are and why they rely on us as parents to give good direction.

It was encouraging reading my UCB daily devotional yesterday, I've been going through so much turmoil mentally with the turn of events this weekend, yesterday I just took a me day.

I couldn't go into the radio station as I was still quite emotional.  However I completed little tasks as my physiotherapist has advised and it really helped.  I was able with my carers support to shower and dress.  Put some clothes on and go outside in the sun.  I really thank God that I have my legs back as I call them, a mobility scooter and car, because I am able to drive to my Mum's and enjoy the freedom and I can walk the dogs, whilst in my scooter, which is fantastic.  I'm trying to focus on the things I can do, and less on the things I can't and, I wish to enjoy life.

My good day yesterday, has really helped my mood today, it was just what the doctor ordered, talking with my carer, family and friends, really has helped to uplift me, and although I am in pain, my spirit is well. Ultimately my mothers constant prayers are keeping me.  So I also did what she advised and cried out in prayer telling God, "you said a broken and a contrite heart you will not despise and I'm broken Lord please fix me" the darkness overshadowing the home was lifted.  I felt better.  I am most proud of the fact I didn't self harm at all yesterday too, I listened to the advice of my Occupational Therapist, and found another way to cope.  I just hope I will always be able to cope in this way, with God's help.

I'm looking forward to today, my aim is to enjoy the sun as it should be a hot day today.  Chill with the puppies and my son, and do some more writing.

UCB Words of Encouragement: 

"You can be purpose-driven and convince people that their only value to you is in what they contribute. When it comes to your 'spirit,' you need a regular check-up." 'Love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be the sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful' (Luke 6:35-36 NKJV). Such words bring us to our knees, for we fall far short of practising them. "Little is much in the eyes of God...Less is sometimes more...cheap is often more expensive...ah no everyting good fi eat good fi talk" Mum

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA HONORED - HILL HARPER, FANTASIA, JULIAN BOND

Dear Diary,

I remember as a young child my mother would tell me a bible story of how long it took to build a temple that David dreamed of but Solomon completed.  Thinking back to this story I look at how well I was doing over the last couple of weeks, and how easily my spirits were crushed, my boss  encouraged me in love and said that I "have to toughen up" and I so wish I could, but years of being broken down has taken a toll on me mentally.  Each time I go a step forward, I'm pulled back 10 steps.  At times I feel like a tortoise slowly moving, when danger comes, I retract into a shell and stay there for safety, then slowly come out and start moving again.

The encouragement I needed to come out of my shell came when I turned the T.V on, and saw my Mum on the local 6:00pm news, I was actually on the phone to her and we screamed together because of what a pleasant surprise it was.

Following this last night although going through the #PTSD blues again, where negative thoughts and memories encircle your mind, I took to Youtube and found the above footage of President Obama.  It uplifted me to see someone who had a dream, and carried it through.  However he was not an island he had to have the support of the public, friends, work collegues and business associates.  I remember reading his book during my 3 month stay in hospital, so I'm going to take time out to read "Dreams Of My Father" again, because my mother has a dream for me too, just as do I for my son CJ.

I've been talking a lot to my Mum about her heritage, and journey to Wales from #Jamaica.  What it was like for her coming to a place so far away. I wonder why even though she has lived here since she was 13, still refers to Jamaica as "back home".

She says: "it was hard for me coming to Wales, the weather was cold, people in school were not very nice, often mimicking my accent and these were people who were of mixed Black heritage themselves, I used to have to defend myself physically because before I was a christian fear was the only way you could gain respect, problems were resolved with street fights, and if you lost you let it go."

She would often find solus in cooking she worked in the first Caribbean cafe to my knowledge to open in Wales, owned by my Grandfather Lionel Nation.  Reminiscing my Mum recalls "he would have many Domino evenings there, but I would only work in the day and my brother Freddy would work in the night.  It was lonely for me I missed my Mum and other brothers and sisters, but I enjoyed studying in school and focused on that."

It was interesting for me to learn of how my Mum met my Dad, "there was a couple of us living by the embankment, your Dad used to talk to me but I didn't really fancy him, one day I was so ill I couldn't move, I'd caught flu, he looked after me made me soup and 33 years later here you are" she laughs.

I often admire my mother for her strength of character and all she has achieved, her going from Waitress to a qualified Computer Tutor with an honorable degree to show for her perseverance.  She was and is a fantastic mother. Something I questioned was why after she finished with my father she waited 9 years before another relationship, she says "I wanted to wait on the Lord, I didn't want to bring someone into the home who would not be a good father to you, I wanted the best for you"

I think my happiest memories will be standing at a bus stop in the freezing cold weather waiting for a bus to take us home, my mother would try to keep my skinny body warm in her long coat given to her by my Aunty who lived in Switzerland, she would sing Jamaican songs to me like "Carry me ackee go ah Linstead market... and Get jungle get jungle fresh..."  

I'm actually in tears thinking of about this, and although I was unable to function to make it into Radio Cardiff today because of how weepy and low in mood I feel another symptom of #Fibromyalgia and #PTSD, I'm playing my music, singing enjoying the company of my carer and doing little jobs from home.  My Physiotherapist says sometimes I just need to tick off little things that I do, like I was able to get up wash my face, and have breakfast today instead of laying in bed depressed.  

My Wednesday words of wisdom to encourage myself are "Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12  

To everything there is a season "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance," Ecc 3:4

"A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life. A gracious word may soothe the way, a joyous word may light the day. A timely word may lessen stress, a loving word may heal and bless" #UCB Media 

06/08/2012

Dear Diary,

Words cannot describe how I'm feeling so much has been going on, that I could not even focus enough to enjoy the Jamaican Independence or Olympics like I would have wished.

Been feeling the #PTSD blues really badly lately and it's not helping having negative persons around me, so I seperated myself from someone who I have known for 8 years, I just could not tolerate the nonsense any longer. It hurt initially especially as this ex-friend has now made an ally of someone who I consider to be dishonest. However 'birds of a feather flock together' and there are qualities in this person which are admiral to the naked eye, so I understand the attraction.  

I've been quite concerned about how swollen my joints keep getting, not sure if this is a symptom of Fibromyalgia or the falls I have.  My right hand, right knee and left foot have been so swollen my skin feels tight.  I've also been struggling turning to the left.  However my mobility has been quite good over the last couple of days.  I've tried to keep moving irrespective of the pain, I also believe the change from not so cold to, not too hot weather has helped. I'm not looking forward to winter though. 

My emotions have been all over the place, not sure if it's due to my medications and their negative side effects, or the politics of having to work alongside people with different personalities.  Many times I still find myself longing to not leave the house, and stay away from the public, the fear of unfamiliar people and harm is constant and it raises it's ugly head often when triggered by malicious actions.  I've become weepy and had anxiety attacks.  An example would be what I have been through this weekend.

I volunteer in various community roles to encourage my son not to fall into a negative stereotype, to persevere for success, irrespective of your inabilities or colour of skin.  I believe that every time one door closes God will open another door.

I find it hard to cope with a huge circle of friends, trust is not easy to come by when you have been through various incidents of abuse.  So I can count my friends on one hand.

This weekend negative actions have stirred up negative reactions from me especially as I do not have the advantage that other people who are able have.  I've had to pull on so much encouragement from my carers, mother and son in order to not self-harm.  I did slip up, I'm not perfect, however the milestone I reached was, I didn't accept the negative words that were being spoken to me!  I also chose to withdraw myself from the situation that was the trigger, even when these people intentionally placed themselves into my working space to cause a negative situation, having full knowledge of my disabilities, and the affects their behaviour could have on my mental well-being.  Pleased to say, I handled myself with some dignity and remained calm, I tried to look at it like a comedy.  

The good news is, now looking back on the situation, I think I'm finding the old me again, one day at a time, but I think I may be on the road to recovery, in the sense of coping with traumatic situations.  I didn't hold my feelings in and let things fester and bottle up I released them and it helped.

I also drew on encouragement from the Olympics, facebook friends, UCB Media and quotes from posters.

Olympics: Watching Felix Sanchez win a Gold medal although I am Jamaican will stay in my memory forever, I was irratated by seeing him cry for so long because he had won, he had looked so manly when he raced to victory, and screamed with delight.  But it was my son who pointed out "Mum you don't know what he has been through, people could have told him he's too old..." I thought he's right we just know what we see, him at the starting line, running, and winning the race; we don't see the mental endurance it takes to come thorugh irrespective of peoples negativity, the discipline and focus, the time away from family and friends, the loss before the win. 

UCB Media: "Be an example in conduct... 

govern my life and thoughts as though the world were to see one and read the other..." Quotes: "What ever you do may seem insignificant, but it is most important that you do it" Ghandi Mum:  "no one is perfect and people with good intentions are also prone to make mistakes they're human after all. 'Must Jesus bare the cross alone and all the world go free? There's a cross for everyone and there's a cross for me'  CJ: "Maybe it's time to move on" Carers: "Try not to get stressed, it's not good for your health" Friend: "Maybe it would be good for you to break away" The word:   'Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? There is more hope of a fool than of him' (Proverbs 29:20) These precepts were ingrained in me when growing up with my mother and due to various accidents I forget them, I cannot afford to lose them for a second, as it lets down all her hard work.  When discussing the Jamaica 50th independence with her we came to the conclusion that it's a strength of character that is the common denominator in Jamaicans that will never pass or go away. So  I hope these words will continue to remain in my heart and encourage me through my darkest times, as I believe the less stressed I am, the more able I am to function.