26/11/2012

Dear Diary,

Talking about when one door closes another door opens!!! God is being so good to me, truly I am blessed!!!

I was, and am often so concerned about being a parent to a young carer, and how much CJ has had to, and is still going through, but God made a way for him to be praised in his efforts, just this month he and his radio co-host were discovered via their social networking page and an email was sent to the station I volunteer at requesting an interview with them.

'Shout Magazine' a national teenage magazine in the UK published a beautiful feature helping to raise awareness of young adult carers roles.  I was and am such a proud parent that on the morning it was released I went down to the local shops still in my PJ's (Lol) and bought not 1 but 10 copies!!!!  What can I say 'Stage Mom' or what?

Shout Magazine page 66-67

I gave a copy to my Mum, Dad, his Dad, his school, my G.P's, and the station.  All I could think of was how the "stone the builder rejected became the head corner stone" a bible verse my mother used to always encourage me with as a child growing up, it's kind of like saying "every dark cloud has a silver lining".

More good news, I WON!!! Yes WON my DLA tribunal, through the support of my Social Workers, Occupational Therapists, Consultants, Physiotherapist and G.P, the evidence I was able to provide from them to the court meant that they recognise the difficulties I face living with 'Fibromyalgia'.  Although I have good and bad days, my condition impacts me severely enough to qualify for support, Glory be to God!!! 

With all the good things that have been happening to me and my family one would think I could be happy right? I am but lately I have not been able to shake this depression I've been going through.  I feel low and can't even explain why?!?!

My support worker thinks it's because the next battle for me is to be in a home that has adaptations enabling me to be more independent, getting more control over my condition so that I can have a schedule, be more organised and stick to plans when I make them.

I know I have so much to offer career wise and could really get somewhere, but I feel like the 365 days a year I am blessed enough to see, always end up with me having 300 bad days and 65 good days!  (That is just an estimate and a feeling of course) the reality is I can't say how many bad days I actually have, as although I make a personal diary, the days I am feeling low in mood, I just seem to feel so numb, that I can't function to read, write or think!  I just seem to stare into space.  Then there are days when I can function to write a diary but I'm in so much pain that I'm limited in functionability.  But my silver lining is the days when I feel on cloud 9, I'm feeling little or controllable pain, I put on my glad rags and my face (thank God for MAC cosmetics), with the support of carers, loved ones and good colleagues, I'm feeling like the old me before I had 'Fibromyalgia'.  I can drive, attend media functions, the radio station or other community based projects, be around people without feeling anxious, be in a moving vehicle without thinking about how I may be in a road traffic accident, not be afraid of what people think of me, or what people may do to hurt me.  Those days are the days I just can't contain my happiness and wish the whole world to know about it.  The best way I can describe this feeling is meeting your baby for the first time after waiting 9 months for their arrival, or graduating from university with honours, or getting a tax rebate cheque in the post instead of another demanding bill payment.

The other morning I was feeling so low, and had been feeling depressed for about 2 weeks, I guess some who don't understand might say "your feeling kind of sorry for yourself", but I couldn't explain for the life of me why?  Then I took a moment and stopped to think; suppose I were really going through major problems right now, I have roof over my head and food in my fridge, I have a beautiful son, a loving mother and I have the grace of God!

But do you know what came before all of this deep thinking, I turned my TV on and had an urge to listen to the 'UCB Media Radio' on my sky channel.  As soon as I did this the scripture reading that I heard immediately as I had pressed the buttons on the remote was Isaiah 43:2  "When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee."  

So now when I'm feeling low I'm going to make a conscious effort to do a small thing for myself to give myself the kick up the butt that I need, my Physiotherapist once told me "even if you set yourself one goal a day, it can be as small as washing your face, it will make a difference to how you feel"

My encouragement to myself, when I'm feeling low again will be, try not to aim for things that are often in-achievable, have them in mind as a goal for the future, but don't ignore the small precious things life has to offer, it's these small things that give the most longevity to happiness! :)

20/08/12

Dear Diary,

I've been going through a lot of changes lately, changes with my medications, changes with my finances, changes with my volunteer roles, changes with my living circumstances and changes as a parent.

Let's start with my concerns about my medical conditions, Fibromyalgia - I know the winter is fast approaching and anticipate being more housebound, this is concerning to me and I am doing my best to plan ahead.  I have a car but it's due for an MOT and the tax has to be renewed.  My back-up plan to that is my mobility scooter.  However, I'm concerned that I'll be so ill, I will not be able to function from the side effects of having to take morphine based pain meds.

My finances, I'm currently going through a tribunal with the DLA and am concerned following the 'Panorama' and 'Dispatches' expose of how the new government intitiative called "Working Capability Assesment" may effect the results.  It has been reported that there is a million pound contract between the company contracted to provide Doctor's who carry out these "Medical Assesments" and rigid guidelines have been set in place by them inhibiting the amount of people they qualify for DLA on a point scoring system.  I'm trying to keep an open mind but predict that even if my DLA is reinstated through the "Tribunal" I'll be sent to take another WCA and have to go through the whole draining and frankly incapacitating procedure again.

I had arranged to take a vacation with CJ, my Mum and I to Jamaica, the persons we booked through were bogus and we lost our money this was quite distressing, and because of my "Adjustment Reaction Disorder" it led me to be quite ill mentally. I let down the place where I volunteer I had arranged to get voice overs from Jamaica and left me looking like an idiot, and I lost the respect of my managers. I'm trying to keep an open mind about getting my monies back but the likelihood is slim.

Following this my son also volunteers with a friend of his who happens to be a young carer, they have been making such an effort to get things right over the past couple of months and have progressed, however due to 'office politics' which they are far too young to understand, they were really let down.  However I was encouraged by the UCB reading today. 

"Is your goal to restore prodigals, or do you have a hidden agenda to elevate yourself by condemning those around you?"  I believe there was a mole behind all of this who indirectly did all they could to sabotage a young persons dreams not mine, but a young persons, which is quite sad and cowardly, I wonder if they realise that children are not always going to be children and will grow up one day! I tried my hardest to explain myself to someone I considered to be a colleague and a friend who sadly got caught in the crossfire, but due to his various other commitments and work load, he just could not understand where I was coming from, I tried various different approaches, talking to him alone, sending emails, and confiding in him with my carers present, but even they observed that he just doesn't seem to understand where "you are coming from or what you're trying to say... you both have different opinions and just have to agree to disagree." However there are many other organisations my son can seek support from and many other people too so he will progress with God's help. I'm still finding it hard to cope at home, I'm desperate for adaptations, I'm also desperate for support with parenting, I'm missing the old me and CJ is too, but my medical consultants have advised my conditions are long term and will not improve but get worse. I feel like such a burden to CJ I've tried so hard to get things right for him but seem to fail each time, his future was so bright until he became a young carer and as much as it breaks my heart he may be better off elsewhere with someone who can give him what he needs? Thoughts of self harming came thick and fast all of last week and the week before, so I had to start smoking again.  I can't take certain medications when driving because my responses are not as quick, so I'll visit my G.P today and ask for advice. Needless to say this had an impact on my mobility, stress effects Fibromyalgia but stress isn't avoidable at all times, and the support I'm having through "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" is helpful. I will not give up where there is a will there is a way and I am a firm believer that when one door closes another door opens.

09/08/2012

Dear Diary,

Woke up this morning with swollen right hand and numbness in my finger tips and left foot.  I spent a couple of hours with my friend and her new-born baby girl yesterday, I took so many photos, I felt like the paparazzi LOL. I realised when I am focused on other things, I become distracted from the pain I'm in which helps me to relax.  Also I didn't wish to have any negative vibes around this angel from heaven.

It was nice to be around positive people I will miss her as she lives far away, and is like a footballers wife constantly having to relocate.  I made sure to take plenty of pictures so I can reminisce when she's gone, it also helped me to remember what CJ was like when he was a baby, how vulnerable children are and why they rely on us as parents to give good direction.

It was encouraging reading my UCB daily devotional yesterday, I've been going through so much turmoil mentally with the turn of events this weekend, yesterday I just took a me day.

I couldn't go into the radio station as I was still quite emotional.  However I completed little tasks as my physiotherapist has advised and it really helped.  I was able with my carers support to shower and dress.  Put some clothes on and go outside in the sun.  I really thank God that I have my legs back as I call them, a mobility scooter and car, because I am able to drive to my Mum's and enjoy the freedom and I can walk the dogs, whilst in my scooter, which is fantastic.  I'm trying to focus on the things I can do, and less on the things I can't and, I wish to enjoy life.

My good day yesterday, has really helped my mood today, it was just what the doctor ordered, talking with my carer, family and friends, really has helped to uplift me, and although I am in pain, my spirit is well. Ultimately my mothers constant prayers are keeping me.  So I also did what she advised and cried out in prayer telling God, "you said a broken and a contrite heart you will not despise and I'm broken Lord please fix me" the darkness overshadowing the home was lifted.  I felt better.  I am most proud of the fact I didn't self harm at all yesterday too, I listened to the advice of my Occupational Therapist, and found another way to cope.  I just hope I will always be able to cope in this way, with God's help.

I'm looking forward to today, my aim is to enjoy the sun as it should be a hot day today.  Chill with the puppies and my son, and do some more writing.

UCB Words of Encouragement: 

"You can be purpose-driven and convince people that their only value to you is in what they contribute. When it comes to your 'spirit,' you need a regular check-up." 'Love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be the sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful' (Luke 6:35-36 NKJV). Such words bring us to our knees, for we fall far short of practising them. "Little is much in the eyes of God...Less is sometimes more...cheap is often more expensive...ah no everyting good fi eat good fi talk" Mum

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA HONORED - HILL HARPER, FANTASIA, JULIAN BOND

Dear Diary,

I remember as a young child my mother would tell me a bible story of how long it took to build a temple that David dreamed of but Solomon completed.  Thinking back to this story I look at how well I was doing over the last couple of weeks, and how easily my spirits were crushed, my boss  encouraged me in love and said that I "have to toughen up" and I so wish I could, but years of being broken down has taken a toll on me mentally.  Each time I go a step forward, I'm pulled back 10 steps.  At times I feel like a tortoise slowly moving, when danger comes, I retract into a shell and stay there for safety, then slowly come out and start moving again.

The encouragement I needed to come out of my shell came when I turned the T.V on, and saw my Mum on the local 6:00pm news, I was actually on the phone to her and we screamed together because of what a pleasant surprise it was.

Following this last night although going through the #PTSD blues again, where negative thoughts and memories encircle your mind, I took to Youtube and found the above footage of President Obama.  It uplifted me to see someone who had a dream, and carried it through.  However he was not an island he had to have the support of the public, friends, work collegues and business associates.  I remember reading his book during my 3 month stay in hospital, so I'm going to take time out to read "Dreams Of My Father" again, because my mother has a dream for me too, just as do I for my son CJ.

I've been talking a lot to my Mum about her heritage, and journey to Wales from #Jamaica.  What it was like for her coming to a place so far away. I wonder why even though she has lived here since she was 13, still refers to Jamaica as "back home".

She says: "it was hard for me coming to Wales, the weather was cold, people in school were not very nice, often mimicking my accent and these were people who were of mixed Black heritage themselves, I used to have to defend myself physically because before I was a christian fear was the only way you could gain respect, problems were resolved with street fights, and if you lost you let it go."

She would often find solus in cooking she worked in the first Caribbean cafe to my knowledge to open in Wales, owned by my Grandfather Lionel Nation.  Reminiscing my Mum recalls "he would have many Domino evenings there, but I would only work in the day and my brother Freddy would work in the night.  It was lonely for me I missed my Mum and other brothers and sisters, but I enjoyed studying in school and focused on that."

It was interesting for me to learn of how my Mum met my Dad, "there was a couple of us living by the embankment, your Dad used to talk to me but I didn't really fancy him, one day I was so ill I couldn't move, I'd caught flu, he looked after me made me soup and 33 years later here you are" she laughs.

I often admire my mother for her strength of character and all she has achieved, her going from Waitress to a qualified Computer Tutor with an honorable degree to show for her perseverance.  She was and is a fantastic mother. Something I questioned was why after she finished with my father she waited 9 years before another relationship, she says "I wanted to wait on the Lord, I didn't want to bring someone into the home who would not be a good father to you, I wanted the best for you"

I think my happiest memories will be standing at a bus stop in the freezing cold weather waiting for a bus to take us home, my mother would try to keep my skinny body warm in her long coat given to her by my Aunty who lived in Switzerland, she would sing Jamaican songs to me like "Carry me ackee go ah Linstead market... and Get jungle get jungle fresh..."  

I'm actually in tears thinking of about this, and although I was unable to function to make it into Radio Cardiff today because of how weepy and low in mood I feel another symptom of #Fibromyalgia and #PTSD, I'm playing my music, singing enjoying the company of my carer and doing little jobs from home.  My Physiotherapist says sometimes I just need to tick off little things that I do, like I was able to get up wash my face, and have breakfast today instead of laying in bed depressed.  

My Wednesday words of wisdom to encourage myself are "Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12  

To everything there is a season "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance," Ecc 3:4

"A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life. A gracious word may soothe the way, a joyous word may light the day. A timely word may lessen stress, a loving word may heal and bless" #UCB Media 

06/08/2012

Dear Diary,

Words cannot describe how I'm feeling so much has been going on, that I could not even focus enough to enjoy the Jamaican Independence or Olympics like I would have wished.

Been feeling the #PTSD blues really badly lately and it's not helping having negative persons around me, so I seperated myself from someone who I have known for 8 years, I just could not tolerate the nonsense any longer. It hurt initially especially as this ex-friend has now made an ally of someone who I consider to be dishonest. However 'birds of a feather flock together' and there are qualities in this person which are admiral to the naked eye, so I understand the attraction.  

I've been quite concerned about how swollen my joints keep getting, not sure if this is a symptom of Fibromyalgia or the falls I have.  My right hand, right knee and left foot have been so swollen my skin feels tight.  I've also been struggling turning to the left.  However my mobility has been quite good over the last couple of days.  I've tried to keep moving irrespective of the pain, I also believe the change from not so cold to, not too hot weather has helped. I'm not looking forward to winter though. 

My emotions have been all over the place, not sure if it's due to my medications and their negative side effects, or the politics of having to work alongside people with different personalities.  Many times I still find myself longing to not leave the house, and stay away from the public, the fear of unfamiliar people and harm is constant and it raises it's ugly head often when triggered by malicious actions.  I've become weepy and had anxiety attacks.  An example would be what I have been through this weekend.

I volunteer in various community roles to encourage my son not to fall into a negative stereotype, to persevere for success, irrespective of your inabilities or colour of skin.  I believe that every time one door closes God will open another door.

I find it hard to cope with a huge circle of friends, trust is not easy to come by when you have been through various incidents of abuse.  So I can count my friends on one hand.

This weekend negative actions have stirred up negative reactions from me especially as I do not have the advantage that other people who are able have.  I've had to pull on so much encouragement from my carers, mother and son in order to not self-harm.  I did slip up, I'm not perfect, however the milestone I reached was, I didn't accept the negative words that were being spoken to me!  I also chose to withdraw myself from the situation that was the trigger, even when these people intentionally placed themselves into my working space to cause a negative situation, having full knowledge of my disabilities, and the affects their behaviour could have on my mental well-being.  Pleased to say, I handled myself with some dignity and remained calm, I tried to look at it like a comedy.  

The good news is, now looking back on the situation, I think I'm finding the old me again, one day at a time, but I think I may be on the road to recovery, in the sense of coping with traumatic situations.  I didn't hold my feelings in and let things fester and bottle up I released them and it helped.

I also drew on encouragement from the Olympics, facebook friends, UCB Media and quotes from posters.

Olympics: Watching Felix Sanchez win a Gold medal although I am Jamaican will stay in my memory forever, I was irratated by seeing him cry for so long because he had won, he had looked so manly when he raced to victory, and screamed with delight.  But it was my son who pointed out "Mum you don't know what he has been through, people could have told him he's too old..." I thought he's right we just know what we see, him at the starting line, running, and winning the race; we don't see the mental endurance it takes to come thorugh irrespective of peoples negativity, the discipline and focus, the time away from family and friends, the loss before the win. 

UCB Media: "Be an example in conduct... 

govern my life and thoughts as though the world were to see one and read the other..." Quotes: "What ever you do may seem insignificant, but it is most important that you do it" Ghandi Mum:  "no one is perfect and people with good intentions are also prone to make mistakes they're human after all. 'Must Jesus bare the cross alone and all the world go free? There's a cross for everyone and there's a cross for me'  CJ: "Maybe it's time to move on" Carers: "Try not to get stressed, it's not good for your health" Friend: "Maybe it would be good for you to break away" The word:   'Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? There is more hope of a fool than of him' (Proverbs 29:20) These precepts were ingrained in me when growing up with my mother and due to various accidents I forget them, I cannot afford to lose them for a second, as it lets down all her hard work.  When discussing the Jamaica 50th independence with her we came to the conclusion that it's a strength of character that is the common denominator in Jamaicans that will never pass or go away. So  I hope these words will continue to remain in my heart and encourage me through my darkest times, as I believe the less stressed I am, the more able I am to function.

26/07/2012

Dear Diary,

I'm so heated right now I feel like I need to scream.  I'm so confused and not sure if this is a symptom of PTSD or just a normal reaction to stressful situations.

I'm so fed up of con artists, I've been duped out of a holiday to Jamaica, I'm having trouble coping with a situation, I can't abide people who hurt my mother or son, why do people think it necessary to lie on individuals, and try to ruin their reputation? Just do you get on with your life!

This person took advantage of my family during their bereavement, abused my trust by claiming to be all about the community, when really that was a half truth in actual fact they delight in money and self accolade.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm perfect, I enjoy what money can do, however I couldn't enjoy the spoils of someone else's misery.  I also enjoy hearing good things from people about me it makes my day, I enjoy admiration, however I need the love of God, my mother and son more than anything in this world nothing else matters as much as this because when I react in emotion because of how passionate I become about a cause for justice, my son will speak logical and my mother spiritual they balance me.

So when I know someone is hurting them knowing what good people they are it disturbs me and I ask myself how can someone harm a child and a community elderly and claim to be all about their heritage and for empowering the community?

But then my mother told me something "hurting people hurt people" and that calmed my stormy waters.  

I just want to tell it from the roof tops and let everyone know what a lying con artist this person is, but my Mum told me "anything done in secret comes out in the end, it may take years but the truth will prevail!" and that's a true JAMAICAN woman right there.

So I leave you with this a wolf in sheep clothing has to come out in the end, as it cannot survive on the nutrients of grass all it's life, it will need to prey on meat sooner or later, and that's when I will be there by the grace of God to witness your true colours.

24/07/12

Dear Diary,


In agony right now but it may be self inflicted as Sunday night I supported the "Radio Cardiff Youth Beats" team to go along to the "BiggaFish Champions Tour" . 


Their brief was to set up interview questions, take photos, and enjoy.  I wanted them to gain work experience but also enjoy themselves, especially as this was a teen spirit building inspired event.

However I didn't plan for one thing, I'm a little out of touch with teenage girls and my son's co-host Becki H did the whole "OMG it's Karis from Stooshe... OMG Flow Dem... OMG ... OMG" it's quite amusing now I think about it at the time it drove my son bonkas LOL!  But I adore her she's a sweet heart, and I'm so glad she actually came out of herself and serenaded Karis, who told her she was "gifted" a kind word goes a long way.


Artists on the night were "Flow Dem", "Chip" a.k.a "Chipmunk", "Roxanne" (I love her btw) "Lady Leshurrr" there were quite a few local acts supporting this event too.

I was extremely impressed with one guy in particular and that was "Mizzy" he's on point.  I was also charmed by "Evander K" a part of the "Hypeon TV" family, I can't beleive he is related to Monica and Nadine Kennedy, small world, very lovely 
young man.
Pic courtesy of: http://www.facebook.com/HypeOnTV

I was also touched by the fact local MC's/DJ's/Singers took the time to have banter with my son, he often looks forward to being around positive young men who are also aspiring to achieve their goals.  My son was looking forward to watching the 
masters in action, he had arranged to get some tips from the "Urban Fusion Crew" however he realised he needed to keep watch over his co-host and not leave her behind :).

The truth be known, I was not well enough to take on this task, my fibromyalgia symptoms have been quite erratic and because I've been driving I've not been able to take certain medications which have had a negative effect on me.  However when you're at these media events 
you can't afford to show it, you just press along and putting other peoples needs before your own becomes natural, you're there to catch moments for the fans who can't get up close and personal with their favourite artists, the questions you ask represent the community you serve. Imagine what the world would be like with no media? No radio, no papers, no online media social networks, no journalists looking for the truth!

The downside of the night is the after effects for me, my hands are so swollen, my feet are the size of party balloons, and physically I'm a mess.  But you know emotionally I'm blessed because Becki's father told me how she had a permanent smile on her face when she went home, CJ had an awesome time with "SneakBo" and I had an awesome time around a lot of positive people.

All of the above could not have been possible without Schwarz believing in my sons capabilities he is an amazing young man and he has a good heart! "Blaqbone Media" I salute you.

20/06/2012

Dear Diary,

These past couple of weeks have been awful, I've been bedridden for about 6 days, and in recovery from the pain, and the cruel side effects of morphine and cocaine based medications have taken their toll on me.  They make you feel so groggy, I have been thinking more and more about people who are addicts to certain drugs and all I can say is, "the drugs don't work they just make you worse" and they're disgusting! I hate how they make you feel, and how they change your functionability.  

It's in times like these I find myself feeling so grateful for the support of my son, I am truly blessed, I pray God continue to watch over him.  I felt so bad for him because of all the times for me to be extremely ill, it was during his GCSE examinations, when he needed me the most, however I tried so hard to pull the last bits of energy and strength I had and press through the pain, having a child is often the best way to get over ones self.  

Although I felt like I was dying literally because of how much pain I was in, my back, my kneck, my hip, my hands even my gums, I managed with the support of carers to still make it into the Radio Cardiff studios 2 weeks ago, although I needed quite a bit of assistance and had to use the dreaded old lady helper my zimmer frame, which is just yucky I hate it!  It's so ugly.  I don't think i would hate it so much if it I was pimped out or blinged up, but it's just an awful shade of grey.  However I must have looked awful because even my manager Tubbs, and Marketing Manager Loretta noticed that I was not myself.  

I've had a lot of time to think, whilst in bed staring at the bedroom ceiling on my worst days, and realised there's little I can do to change my situation, however from watching reality TV and looking at the houses, cars and clothes people have it is a motivator to try and strive for better, even when I feel like I've lost a fibromyalgia war today, I can't give up, I try tomorrow, I'm hoping to build a foundation for my son so that he will not have to struggle later on in life, but build on the structures set by me, my mother and my grand father.

So, I've been handling my business so to speak.  I've felt quite challenged in a situation at work, this issue may be in my mind, or it actually may be existent, either way, I was completely out of my comfort zone. There are times when I may seem annoying because of the passion I have inside me and the need to forge ahead with projects; however I appreciate I'm not an island and need the support of others for things to work, especially because I feel at a disadvantage having a limiting medical condition and disabling diagnosis.  I cannot always control my frustrations of wanting to get things done quickly because I don't have time on my side, I never know how long I actually have before I will be completely incapacitated again because of the excruciating pain I have to live with.  However, when one requires the assistance of others there are times when you have to be still.

That being said I'm proud of how I allowed Jesus to take the wheel, I prayed about this particular situation, and thought the best thing to do was face it head on, and do you know what? I think things may actually be stabilising!  Humiliation needs to be my addiction and I pray I marry and lay down with patience day in day out. 

Changes are taking place in my life, I feel like things may slowly but surely be getting better.  I'm adjusting to my new care agency, the change of routine has not been as bad as I thought it would be, the staff are all lovely, glory be to God, I'm grateful for their support.  Just having their help every day twice a day is motivation in itself, I can't get lost in my own thoughts and, I got to keep the progress train moving. 

I'm not going to lie, I've had to kick myself up the buttocks to get past my worst moments in a day.  That has been the hardest especially when the PTSD blues kick in.  I find when you hold on to the negative words people have said to you, like people who actually mean something to you in your life, people who you thought of as a friend, at times they were more than a friend they were like family; then there are the people who you respect professionally, who turn around and disappoint you with their self absorbed behaviour.  Then you begin to question if maybe you're actually the one who has PTSD or if all the people around you who are causing you distress have mental issues themselves as their behaviour is quite unsound.  Then I found this poster online: 

and do you know after reading this I realised I've had all but one of them said to me. When these words have been uttered to me I've felt like someone was being patronising, insensitive, discriminative, emotionally abusive and just down right mean.  I became enraged because when people have said these things to me I began to second guess myself, and find it difficult to move on mentally.

But then I found solus, here's the good news I read UCB Media's "Word For Today", how Jesus made himself the servant, he washed his disciples feet, he was born in a stable with animals, can you imagine the smell?  Yet he always remained humble.  I do believe the latter gets to me because of pride, I know how hard I try to keep up and be a normal part of society so to speak and yet people are saying such insensitive things to me?  Well who am I?  What makes me so special that life should not be tough for me? This is my cross and I must bare it.  I need to man up!

I began soul searching, I've been hurt a lot in life, and maybe I have hurt a lot of people unintentionally? But he who feels it knows it.  I especially feel the hurt more now I think, because I literally feel at a disadvantage, I do not feel like an equal to other people when I'm around them, especially those who have no disabilities.  So there are times when I am in excrutiating pain and I put a brave smiling face on, try to make jokes as seeing other people laugh and happy eases the sadness I feel about my situation.  Momentarily I'm taken away from what is going on with my body, and the thoughts in my head are silenced, all I can see is the beauty of a smile, and the music of laughter.  Then I return home, where I am forced to face my reality, which is exhaustion, pain, and  a set of stairs to climb up that often feel like Mount Everest.

However I sat down and thought of all the positive things people are saying, how I'm a lovely person, how I make them laugh, how glad they are that we met, some have even told me I inspire them, but the reality is I can't take credit for the good I'm able to produce, because it is a mothers prayers, a fathers love, and a son's care that keep me going; and although I often feel sorry for myself because of the Fibromyalgia trap I am in, I know deep down inside I am blessed.  Do you know what? That felt good, I smiled, I'll say it again I AM BLESSED.  

There is the key to reversing the sting of PTSD, I need to exercise a opposite action, every time a negative thought comes into my mind, I need to search my memory vault for a positive thought and combat the PTSD blues with that.  In time this should help to heal my mind.

Although I complain, and often feel miserable, the fact remains life moves forward with each day, I'm not getting any younger.  You know I was talking with my mother the other day, she truly is an angel in my life I am so sure, she said something to me that I don't think I will ever forget, she said to me "Annika, let go of the past and let the rest of your years be the best of your years!"

07/06/2012

Me after the carers helped me to face the day ahaead :)

Dear Diary,

I was feeling rather anxious yesterday, I had a bit of a panic attack about leaving the house but I'm grateful to my carers for their support and encouragement, which help me to get through.  

It's not been such a bad day today, I woke up with the same aches and pains, numbness in my hands and feet, and feeling like I'd had no sleep.  But I didn't have nightmares.  However things have been bothering me, I just wish I had a magic wand to fix my state of mind when living with PTSD you often worry about things, I'm a perfectionist and hate it when things are not going right, for instance I like to have all the tins in my cupboard with the labels facing me like when you're in the supermarkets, however having carers means that never happens it irritates me.  I also like to wash my hands after using the bathroom, but won't touch the handle of the taps, or door handles after doing so! 

When it comes to my work I want to be able to do my best or not do it at all.

But one thing my mother says I need to understand is I can't make people like me, and I if someone has a certain opinion of you the more you try to change it, the more they are convinced of the same, it's best to leave things to God trying to fix things myself can make things worse.

But when you have PTSD letting go of anxious thoughts about peoples perceptions is not as easy as it sounds, negative thoughts constantly plague your mind, you often wonder what they meant by something they said and what are they going to do or say to you next, you also worry about the conversations behind closed doors and often feel as if they are out to sabotage you.

This anxiety leads to fear, which then leads to panic, panic then inhibits your ability to function, a non ability to function then leads to depression, and the depression then in turn leads to self-harm.

If you have both PTSD and Fibromyalgia this then has a knock on effect with the symptoms from fibromyalgia leading to global pain from stress, which then leads to a physical inability to function.  It's a vicious cycle which has a knock on effect to your well-being as you then need to increase pain relief which then involves being subjected to the negative side effects of analgesia medications the main one being fatigue.

This is why for me it is essential I see my G.P on a weekly basis to get things off my chest and learn how to cope independently as I can't be with my G.P, Consultants and other healthcare professionals 24/7.  However there is the joy of social networking where I am able to communicate with various other people about how I am feeling and it truly does help, because I feel they understand me, and are not alienated by me and my multiple short comings.

I also have gospel music and the UCB media word for today to keep me going, spiritual strength is so important for natural growth.  

Kirk Franklin - Imagine Me (05/06/2012)

Dear Diary,

I had a lot of pain last night and am still feeling the ramification's today.  Through yesterday day and night I was quite distressed, because it seems my mothers brake pads had worn away on her car and were rubbing metal to metal, this brought back sad memories of my road traffic accidents and the loss of my friend who died following her car accident, anxiety did not stop for me through the night, I kept thinking about what may have happened to my Mum, what would I be without her? I had to have a small drink to calm me down which is not something that's the norm for me, in fact I had to find the last drop in the bottle of rum I use to bake cakes, but I'm not proud of this and don't recommend doing so.

I've had a lot of things on my mind lately, I'm not overly happy about my life, and even though things may be finally progressing for me medically; and financially I seem to be jumping a hurdle, I still find myself feeling anxious and worrying about the negative things in my life more than the positive things that are slowly progressing for me.

Today whilst with my carers I began to reminisce about how blessed I am and have been, how there are other people that are worse off than me, some people live with facial disfigurements, some people live without certain body parts and cope with their disabilities.  So why is it so difficult for me to get over my disabilities??? The truth is apparent to me having a mental disability like PTSD which has symptoms of depression and anxiety then partner it with Fibromyalgia which can cause one to "feel low or weepy" http://www.arthritisresearchuk.org/arthritis-information/conditions/fibromyalgia.aspx and top that off with the side effects of 14 various types of medication including, morphine and it's no wonder I feel so odd at the best of times.

So the question for me now is how am I going to get through this?  What is my master plan?  My plan is to focus, I need to remained focused on what my goals are in life and prepare a plan of action to get there.

Plan of Action

1. PTSD = I need to balance my spiritual beliefs with the "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" I am receiving, my past is what will aid my future I was grown up in a church with faith, and taught that "faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen" Hebrews 11

2. Fibromyalgia = I need to keep talking with people who live with this condition as it truly helps me to feel less alone, like I have friends who understand me, and most importantly I have friends I can open up to.  I need to make weekly visits to my GP, remain on top of health appointments like, physiotherapy, the pain management clinic, the podiatrist, psychiatrist for the PTSD clinic, my occupational therapist and social worker.

4. Personal Care = I need to find an advocate to liaise with my service providers to ensure the smooth running of my care package, as this helps to maintain my home surroundings, my food intake and my personal hygiene which really help me to feel whole.

4. Mother = I need to spend quality time with CJ doing the things that he likes more often than I do now.

5. Career = I'm able to do voluntary work and I'd like to pursue a home study course, I trained as a medical professional but following my accidents I've been a little lost.  However I have new found love for technology and may pursue a career in this field watch this space.

Future Hopes

To:

• Get treatment that can if not cure my Fibromyalgia improve it until i am totally independent.
• Have paid employment and be independent of the benefit system all together.
• Finally have a house that can feel like a home.

Above all things I need to remain close to God as having him in my life really counteracts any negativity I am going through, I recall when I was an in-patient, hearing songs like Kirk Franklin "Imagine Me" on a daily basis helped me to move forward and progress, my knight in shining armour was a good friend of mine Twanna, who gave me Kirk's CD it really did help, and I need to keep faithful words of God close to my heart.  Also reading and studying the 'UCB Media' word for today is literally a life saver and I recommend this to all believers and even non believers as there are times when we all feel isolated and alone, we often at these times find ourselves looking to the wrong people for advice, or vulnerable to negative attacks from people wishing to take advantage of our vulnerable states of mind, but be encouraged to know that no one in this whole wide world is invulnerable to feeling emotion and take solus in the following poster.

31/05/2012

Dear Diary,

Yucky!

Feeling extremely sh**ty today!  My neck, and hands are hurting so badly, I'm trying to go as long as possible without touching the Fibromyalgia pain meds as I hate the negative side effects, but I can only rub so much Ibuprofen gel into my hands and I'll look like a patch quilt if i put anymore Lidocaine patches on.

I had a really rough night and I think all the stress of yesterday did not help.  I woke up feeling like I had not slept at all, I don't know why I allow people to really get to me, but I do!  My step-mother always used to say to me "never allow people to draw you into their madnesses" easier said than done at times, especially as we need every kind of people to make the world go around.

I'm really considering living the remainder of my years as a recluse, in my home with my dogs and never going out again! I absolutely find it unbearable to be around negative people, however, negative people have needs to and they need to be encouraged and the positivity that exists deep inside them persuaded to come forth. My Mum always tells me to "kill em with kindness" and that's exactly what I intend to do!

In times like this when I'm going through feeling like the people surrounding me are not working with me, but against me I think of the Sunday school story of Joseph and his technicoloured dream coat, how jealousy made his own brothers sell him out! How he still succeeded but then when he was regaining some type of life he was innocently thrown into jail for an alleged sexual assault! Irrespective he rose to the top, by thinking of others and not himself, when the opportunity arose for him to take revenge against his brothers with all the wealth and power he had he forgave them, loved them and embraced them into his kingdom.

I do believe that a change will come for me I just have to remain faithful that Jehovah my God, my Lord, my King my everything will watch over me and see me through, after all "his eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches over me"

29/05/2012

Dear Diary,

What a weekend it has been!  I'm still in recovery!

It's been a blast in Cardiff with the Olympic torch relay and all the celebrations going on throughout Wales in preparation for the Olympics.

I really wanted to be out watching the torch but I knew that I had to be in Caerphilly the next day volunteering with the BBC learning production team for the "Blue Peter Olympic Tour".

So I pleaded with my son to go and grab a photo for me in Cardiff town as this was history in the making the whole world would be watching Cardiff on the BBC Torch Cam.

I was sooo excited, I'm also one of the social networking assistants for Radio Cardiff so I was trying to watch, tweet and cheer all at the same time!  My hands were in agony from typing, and my right hand began to swell.  But I can't explain how happy and proud I was that the Olympic Torch was in Wales, I had tears in my eyes I was so proud of how well everything had been organized in Wales with the coverage on the internet, the people lining the streets to greet torch bearers, it was truly an amazing feeling.

Being in Caerphilly the following day was just what the doctor had ordered I felt like somebody had just paid my rent for the whole year and given me food shop vouchers at Tesco for the next 12 months! LOL! (I wish).  The view and scenery was indescribable, the air even smells different there!

Not pretty

Now for the bad news the repercussions of a fun in the sun weekend, I was aching all over, my foot and ankle swelled up like a balloon, my back and hip aching and my hands were throbbing constantly.

I felt quite down because I would like to apply for a job and work but with my Fibromyalgia not being under control, it holds me back, right now the best I can realistically offer is voluntary work.

I discussed this with my O.T who helped me to realize there are other ways I can feel independent, empowered and enabled at home, by just having a little tidy up, taking care of my needs and sorting little spaces at a time.  Having not been born with a disability I'm used to either tidying up the house in a day or two, but he taught me that I can still achieve something by pacing myself.

He made this analogy imagine you had to eat an elephant (I was like ewwwwww! No thanks" what would you do? You'd have to capture it, and cut it into small pieces!  Your home is the same, it's as huge as an elephant, so do sections of a room at any given time so not to wear yourself out.

It worked!!! I felt like I had accomplished something. :) I suppose this is any situation in life pace yourself and you can accomplish much more.  

He also suggested I speak to my G.P about water tablets grrrrr!!!! In the words of my son "Fibromyalgia sucks!"