Dear Diary,
Talking about when one door closes another door opens!!! God is being so good to me, truly I am blessed!!!
I was, and am often so concerned about being a parent to a young carer, and how much CJ has had to, and is still going through, but God made a way for him to be praised in his efforts, just this month he and his radio co-host were discovered via their social networking page and an email was sent to the station I volunteer at requesting an interview with them.
'Shout Magazine' a national teenage magazine in the UK published a beautiful feature helping to raise awareness of young adult carers roles. I was and am such a proud parent that on the morning it was released I went down to the local shops still in my PJ's (Lol) and bought not 1 but 10 copies!!!! What can I say 'Stage Mom' or what?
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| Shout Magazine page 66-67 |
I gave a copy to my Mum, Dad, his Dad, his school, my G.P's, and the station. All I could think of was how the "stone the builder rejected became the head corner stone" a bible verse my mother used to always encourage me with as a child growing up, it's kind of like saying "every dark cloud has a silver lining".
More good news, I WON!!! Yes WON my DLA tribunal, through the support of my Social Workers, Occupational Therapists, Consultants, Physiotherapist and G.P, the evidence I was able to provide from them to the court meant that they recognise the difficulties I face living with 'Fibromyalgia'. Although I have good and bad days, my condition impacts me severely enough to qualify for support, Glory be to God!!!
With all the good things that have been happening to me and my family one would think I could be happy right? I am but lately I have not been able to shake this depression I've been going through. I feel low and can't even explain why?!?!
My support worker thinks it's because the next battle for me is to be in a home that has adaptations enabling me to be more independent, getting more control over my condition so that I can have a schedule, be more organised and stick to plans when I make them.
I know I have so much to offer career wise and could really get somewhere, but I feel like the 365 days a year I am blessed enough to see, always end up with me having 300 bad days and 65 good days! (That is just an estimate and a feeling of course) the reality is I can't say how many bad days I actually have, as although I make a personal diary, the days I am feeling low in mood, I just seem to feel so numb, that I can't function to read, write or think! I just seem to stare into space. Then there are days when I can function to write a diary but I'm in so much pain that I'm limited in functionability. But my silver lining is the days when I feel on cloud 9, I'm feeling little or controllable pain, I put on my glad rags and my face (thank God for MAC cosmetics), with the support of carers, loved ones and good colleagues, I'm feeling like the old me before I had 'Fibromyalgia'. I can drive, attend media functions, the radio station or other community based projects, be around people without feeling anxious, be in a moving vehicle without thinking about how I may be in a road traffic accident, not be afraid of what people think of me, or what people may do to hurt me. Those days are the days I just can't contain my happiness and wish the whole world to know about it. The best way I can describe this feeling is meeting your baby for the first time after waiting 9 months for their arrival, or graduating from university with honours, or getting a tax rebate cheque in the post instead of another demanding bill payment.
The other morning I was feeling so low, and had been feeling depressed for about 2 weeks, I guess some who don't understand might say "your feeling kind of sorry for yourself", but I couldn't explain for the life of me why? Then I took a moment and stopped to think; suppose I were really going through major problems right now, I have roof over my head and food in my fridge, I have a beautiful son, a loving mother and I have the grace of God!
But do you know what came before all of this deep thinking, I turned my TV on and had an urge to listen to the 'UCB Media Radio' on my sky channel. As soon as I did this the scripture reading that I heard immediately as I had pressed the buttons on the remote was Isaiah 43:2 "When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee."
So now when I'm feeling low I'm going to make a conscious effort to do a small thing for myself to give myself the kick up the butt that I need, my Physiotherapist once told me "even if you set yourself one goal a day, it can be as small as washing your face, it will make a difference to how you feel"
My encouragement to myself, when I'm feeling low again will be, try not to aim for things that are often in-achievable, have them in mind as a goal for the future, but don't ignore the small precious things life has to offer, it's these small things that give the most longevity to happiness! :)
