06/05/2013

Dear Diary,

This weekend has been a really rough ride. Fibromyalgia won this round.  

I took tramadol, morphine sulphate and could still feel the pain, then had to take tramadol slow release and use ibuprofen gel and Nigerian Rubb. Guess what? Still the pain could be felt like a numb toothache.  I felt like I was in labour with no baby to show at the end of the pain.  But tapping myself on the back because I didn't cry, I just spoke positively to myself and did some breathing exercises and slept right through Sunday.

My champs medal

So thankful for my sons support he went food shopping, made me breakfast and dinner.  My Mum stopped by after church which I didn't even recall because I was dosed up to the eyeballs she had a plate of Chicken, Rice & Peas, she said she spke with me but all I did was mumble.  My carers came too, which I didn't recall till I saw one of them today, she said I was out of it.

On the Sunday CJ had a martial arts tournament in Swansea, his first one I wanted to be there so much but was too ill too travel.  Needless to say I was and am so proud of him, he's my piece of heaven, he makes me laugh when I want to cry and he is determine to try.  When one door closes God opens another one and although so many sad things have happened over these past few weeks/months for him, but he never gives up.  He got a bronze medal.

I actually hope that one day if he ever reads these diary entries he'll know just how proud of him I am, and how much I love him.

Still feeling the burn today but I hope I'm through the worst of it as I have a sweet 16 birthday to plan in only 10 days my little big man will be 16.  Where have all the years gone?  I remember talking to him in my belly, giving birth, his first steps, his first words, his first smile, his first day at school, and his first fall, when he needed me.  Now as the years go on I feel like I need him more and more, I look forward to the day I will not be a burden to him and he either goes to college or university and can lead a life as a young man instead of a young carer.  But until then I'm grateful, eternally grateful for every little thing he does to help and support me. :)

03/05/2013

Dear Diary,

Things have gotten worse again, I wish I had good news to report my life just seems to be a tale of misery with little happy moments.

The Dinner.

I couldn't just let things go I hadn't eaten all day and so didn't take any medications.  I saw one of the young ladies and tried to find a way to resolve things which just caused another plane to crash and burn.

She was in tears and my son refused to apologies, the gist of things being, they've been working together on a project for 2 years, no major issues until a 3rd party came into the mix you know when they say "two's company, three's a crowd" well boy if ever this was a case of that.

Every time I would see this young lady she'd ignore me, to my knowledge I was unsure of what I had done, so I first said "Hello ignorant [name of person]" to which she responded "excuse me?" and continued walking.  I waited until an adult was near by and asked "I know you have issues with CJ but what have I done?" she responded "CJ told me you posted a comment about "Mean Girls" (the movie that is) "yes because I thought you girls were acting mean, I said look can we just apologise and move on can we go outside and talk because this is awkward" I made sure another adult was there I didn't want to be accused of anything, the girl began to cry and called her Mum I could see she was upset.  The adult involved then said "I can't make her apologise" at that point I thought, I'm not asking you to do that nor am I thinking that, I'd like my son and I to make amends so that we can all sit down and have a meal.  I just can't eat when upset, with my IBS it comes either up or put the other end.

When CJ saw she didn't wish to come out he just point blank refused to apologise, I said "CJ as your mother I'm asking you to do something 'blessed are the peacemakers' please or I cannot be fake and stay here." He said "Mum I'm sorry, I just can't right now".  So as far as I was concerned I was not going to condone any ill behaviour on my son's part and left, in a dinner dress and an empty stomach.

Caught a taxi to the young ladies parents house to explain what had happened.  Then went home.

When I got home I just cried, why am I such an abnormal person, why do things effect me so emotionally, why can't I just ignore and move on with my life?

I finally cried myself to sleep.

When CJ came home he said "Mum I'm sorry, I didn't listen to you.."as he stood there with a bunch of white roses "I've taken their BS for so long everything is always an issue with them if I don't communicate there's a problem, when I do there's a problem, they've said things about you, horrible things, I kept my cool and tried to remain professional, but I had enough". I couldn't be too mad at him but I did tell him "thank you but you're grounded for not listening to me, I'm your mother and whether you agree with me or not if I tell you to do something you must do it" I made him handwash his socks the next day.

Needless to say things have become like WW3, and I have no way of fixing anything.  All week my body has been seized up in the morning, the stress is taking a toll on me. I'm still losing my hair, and it feels like the drugs don't work they just make me worse.

*Sighs* then comes the mail in the post you never want incapacity benefit is changing to ESA, I have to have a new WCA.  Then the next hit my housing benefit is not being paid in full as I have an extra room in my home, regardless of the fact I have carers who have to stay over and help me when I'm at my worst.

So it seems like my good intentions to support my son in promoting awareness of young carer roles has really bitten me right on the a** he has left one of the shows, another show has been cancelled and I have no idea how to pursue producing something with him for 'Carers Week'.

But you know what I realised this is the time for me to just trust in God.  When there seems like there is no way he provides a way.

I don't hate the people involved who've contributed to this mess I actually forgive them, because they have their reasons are human and have feelings too. I just hope that one day they realise it was never meant for the glorification of my son but to support and highlight what young people who care for their loved ones and take on the role of an adult in the home go through.

Whatever happens that was achieved with the piece in a national magazine and on the news channels internationally that will never be forgotten and we were able to raise money for two good causes also.

Flowers CJ got me :)

So although I feel depressed I'm at peace knowing no more bad fruit can spoil the good fruit in my fruit bowl and certain persons are not in mine and my sons life anymore.

With God in the vessel I can smile at the storm.  I just have to realise I'm not the captain of this ship, I can'y control everything.