31/01/2011

Dear Diary,

It has been such a long time since my last article.  I recorded wwwtheredballandredparty.com advert afterwards John Lenney is a saint thankful for him.

So much has happened don't know where to begin, I have not been writing in my diary due to me being soooo busy and if not busy too poorly, but God as my Elder would say!

Things have been difficult financially since the DLA pulled my mobility component.  I had just about given up all hope however I finally received a rheumatology appointment for the 1st March 2010 maybe they can give me some excellent medical advice to help me get better, I am fed up of the pain, the medications and frankly looking and feeling like a 70 year old, I wouldn't mind but I am just 32 years old!

Had a fantastic meeting with various voluntary organisations in Wales they are so kind and supportive of the foundation starting up it is awesome.  I've been working hard I have 1 week and 5 days left to get soo much done arghhhh lol!

I just need to make sure I stay calm and rest otherwise I will not be going to any www.theredballandredparty.com

Nitey Night xx

14/01/2011 01:47am

Dear Diary,

I am exhausted it has been a long day, did alot of emailing, social networking for The Red Ball and Red Party, my body is in absolute agony, and I need to rest.

I am thankful today for my sone because I had nooo clue how to do something on my computer and he was my tutor bless.  He also had a good day Action For Young Carers came to take him for lunch he had a Pizza Buffet.

My body is aching all over so I am gonna call it a night.

Nighty Nite! xx

20:51pm

Been a wierd day today I woke up at 5:30am Mum helped me to shower and dress I was in pain, did my devotional daily great scripture reading, her hubby came with the car and I dropped him home after his shift bless he was so tired he barely missed bumping the car in a tree by his front garden when parking.

Came back home, did some stuff for the red ball and red party, then got ready to go to an appointment with a specialist Doctor following my road traffic accident, it was all the way in a town called Risca time has stood still there lol went to the local shop and post office and saw all the penny sweets my Gramps used to buy me as a kid from the shop at the end of his street, black jacks, fruit salads, bubalicious, dip lollipop with popping candy loved it. 

I was so ill could hardly walk my kneck, back, arms, could not support me. 

Came home called BT my phone has a fault spoke to a lovely customer service agent in India they are coming to fix it tomorrow.  I then had a meeting with the manager of the venue for the ball.

Im proud though because I drafted an article to write tomorrow after I go to record the advert for my Gramps Ball and after party.

So you know that saying when I try to do good evil presents itself, the devil tried to raise his ugly head today but I am going to ignore it focus on the important things in life and move on with God my saviours help.

Nitey Nite xx

12/01/2011 21:00pm

Dear Diary,

Things were hectic today, woke up with numbness in my left hand fingertips my left wrist was aching, I made sure to carry out my daily devotional, CJ went to the Games Workshop early today he will so pay double study for him tomorrow. 

I managed to make an event page for 'The Red Ball' on facebook, spoke with the British Heart Foundation Events Co-ordinator what a lovely lady she wants us to collaborate our event next year. BVSNW have been soo supportive they have helped me loads today.  Able Radio and the 411 club agreed the use of their logo for offering to support the event which is fabulous, what else oh yes Nathan and Genaya will be showcasing their fashion designs at the event in a fashion show, and the lovely Mr Professor Catwalk might be there too.  Garfield at 'The Voice Newspaper' says he is tempted to come, Richard from 'UCB Gospe'l on Sky loves the idea, I am just quite the cat that got the cream.

Then it got a little sad, speaking with a friend of mine regarding my DLA case got me really down, I realised just how worrying my financial situation is since they stopped my DLA and took my car.  So I did what I never thought I would do and had to get a loan, it was embarassing for me because I just want to be financially free.  But I have to thank God because I am in a country which helps those in need.

I then needed to get some food shopping so I had to call my Mums hubby to help me, and do you know he did, God bless him he came and collected me to get my cheque, cash it, and then go get some food shopping and then took me home.  However I learned something today Cardiff has these mobility rides in the town centre, Barnes was like "you can go in one of them" I thought it was a joke or you had to pay and right he was the driver was from Italy, he called his colleague who took us in the buggy ride thingy around town, my back was aching, the suspension was sooo bad I felt every bump and knock, however I could never have walked around town.

So I come to the door of the house and as I get in CJ pulls a 'kato' from 'The Pink Panther' and scares me half to death with a loud "BOO!!" Well if I never I screamed so loud, my heart leapt out of my chest, little grrrr!! Lol, then we just laughed I was like "you got me". 

I just had a shower still got my towel on the water ran cold again I don't know why and my house phone is playing up.

Other than the pain in my back, neck and wrists, I'm good well gonna pray with CJ and go to bed tomorrow is another day.

Nitey night xx

11/01/2011 20:33

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a difficult day I was in pain all over, but what stunned me was motability coming to collect the car there was some confusion with the date, not sure how I will get to Manchester to review Drake concert, or how I will take CJ on play date tomorrow.  The best was I didn't cry or become emotional had God whispering in my ear to remain calm and think of how I behave in front of CJ, if I am ok he is, he said the sweetest thing he was like 'Mum if you need to go anywhere except on the 13th I will help you' such a sweet son, I thank God for him.

So I'm one month away from 'The Red Ball and Red Party' a little concerned about the support I will receive but I pray for the help of friends, family and church members, when I was on the British Heart Foundation website learned that this is their 50th anniversary and that February is 'National Heart Month' so I am looking forward to raising funds for this charity.  Finished designing my invites for the ball, and got in contact with the BHF they are excited about this event, especially as I hope to make this an anual event.  I just hope I do my Gramps proud never want him to be forgotten and this event will have his name to it, he was the kindest man, always cooking and entertaining others, so I think he will be proud of what I am doing in his name.

Tim Westwood is following me on twitter so I am actually buzzing about that met him at the MOBO launch party and he was a sweety.  Not happy he got to interview Drake before I did no fair.  Also got UCB Gospel DJ Richard Kays twittering with me too, I am not hooked on social networking it is just my way of communicating when I am unable to move around and socialise outside the house, I am able to communicate with people that way.  Also it is good for me with my profession keeps people up to date.

I love the music on UCB Gospel they are playing Cece Winans 'Pray' love luv lurrrve this song. 

Overall today has been a good day, gonna read and pray with my boy before we go to bed truly I am blessed

I need to finish writing my article on New Years Eve Celebrations

Nighty Night xx

09/01/2011 03:10am

Dear Diary,

I cannot sleep I'm in so much pain in my legs and right arm, right side of my back, I'm not happy about this because I must go to church today so I'm gonna have to take some strong pain meds.

08/01/2011 09:27

Dear Diary,

I had a better sleep last night only woke up twice with pain, the pain was not so bad this morning I know somebody somewhere is praying for me.

Feeling toothache pain all over my body, I call it toothache pain it is the annoying throbbing pain.

Yesterday I was too ill to go to Able Radio, jsut spent all day in bed dosed up on pain medication.  however I was able to do some work from my laptop.  Little is much for me right now, no matter how ill I am I must try to do something.  I am ashamed however of my behaviour at times the medication makes me snappy, moody, and I was not very nice to my Mum when she was telling me she had contacted my housing to find out about me moving home, to tell you the truth I am put off moving because of all the work that would entail, packing, cleaning, decorating, shopping for new furniture, grant applications, I just would like to get a stair lift in my home, and Bob is my Uncle I have been waiting to move since 2006 and nothing has happpened.  Do you know they had me down for a one bedroom flat aswell crazy, I have a son, insane no I have a beautiful home I just need it to be adapted for me.

When I woke up this morning I nearly fell into my old ways of laptop first, but I thank God he reminded me about my daily devotional, and to do it with CJ.  Just read a scripture and talk about the meaning with him then end with a prayer precious as he is he chose a scripture to read also Psalms 128, I am so proud of him he is a precious boy.

Had a craaazy dream last night too, I was a teenager searching for something and going on little missions in my community on the streets, then we were held up to be robbed at knife point and the persons robbing us wanted us to take off our clothes I kneeled down and prayed and told them to kill me because i am not going to do it.  they threw the knife passed me and I then was let go but the friend with me stayed with them because she ended up liking them.  Crazy dream.

Just listening to Sunday's message from Bishop so beautiful to know true men of God take the time to study the word of God, live the word of God and deliver wonderful messages to God's people to encourage us. Church is a blessing to my spirit, I must make the effort to go at least twice a month because of my health I cannot always be in church but I will try.

Alot has had me down, the loss of my pastors wife, my Grandad passing away, my rabbit passing away, I just became limp and numb.  But by god's grace strength in him will restore me.

07/01/2011 01:33am

Dear Diary,

Awake in pain again is it possible to be punished for spending quality time with my mother.  I'm frustrated just wish to live my life normally never knew how much I would miss normality.  My Dad just came to mind trying to hink about other stuff other than the pain right now before I take some pain medication, :) he bought my brother a contract phone, but my brother has not phoned him over the festive season, he would have been better to buy it for my sister or I as we would find use for it lol, but then I was thinking maybe that's why he didn't because he knows we would run up a bill, but my brother absolutely hates talking on the phone, lol teenage boys.  I love my family.  Just had a look at my sisters twitter page glad she is well, a little annoyed at her for believing I could be jealous of her if anything I am proud of her because she has not followed in my foot steps making the same mistakes I did she is married has her children with the same man and settled down, I have never ever been jealous of my sibblings, only ever been insecure of step brothers or sisters being treated better than me by my parents, I love when my father loves my sibblings because they deserve all the love they can get from him, and the same goes with my Mum I love when she loves my half brothers and sisters, isn't it crazy how one piece of bad fruit spoils the rest of fruit in a bowl.  One person has obviously aimed to cause trouble and stirred up contention, which has led to this ugly feud but it is ok because time will tell and show the truth I will wait on God to reveal all.

Well thinking about other stuff eased the pain I am feeling in my ankle, lower back, hips, and right wrist., gonna take some pain meds and rest big day today need some sleep, went to bed watching "Fawlty Towers" so funny he cracks me up Basil, it was the episode with the American guest who wanted a Waldorf salad lol.

06/01/2011 06:23am

Dear Diary,

I woke up in pain again this morning in my lower back, hips, knees, right buttock and right thigh.  Thankful that I was only awake twice through the night in pain, compared to last night that is much better.  I had a dream about my ex, his mother and girlfriend he left me for it was not a nice dream didn't know what it meant but they were being quite mean to me, making fun of how fat I was.

I keep playing Bishop Edmunds message from this Sunday service it really is so encouraging "where there is a will there is a way" he said, God is so good when I read what the UCB Daily Devotional reading scripture was Habukuk 2:2 "Write your vision and make it plain" I know God is encouraging me to stay focused, and to keep thinking positive.

I really had a bad day yesterday, which took its toll on the family (my Mum and son).  Bless her my Mum tried sooo hard to help me yesterday she called my social worker, support worker, and tenancy support worker, today i plan to spoil her and get her a thank you card I just hope her hubby doesn't throw this one away as he hates clutter.  I want her to know that I love and appreciate her, I am also going to send CJ a text to let him know i thank God for him he truly is a blessing and a good boy, he doesn't give me any trouble.

I am really concerned because this is the fourth day I have been bed ridden i need to get well soon.

21:31pm

Just got back from My Mums house fell asleep there by the fireplace and even though I was wrapped up still felt cold and in pain all over, enjoyed going into town with her I felt normal we had a McDonalds, I was nervous being arouns so many people who I didn't know but I felt safe with my Mum.  Going to take some pain meds and sleep hopefully the pain will ease up.  Proud of my boy he won 5 games at Warhammer World little star, loves him to bits.  I will miss my car when it goes back to motability next week but God provided once he will provide again.

05/01/2011 04:08am

Dear Diary,

Went to bed in pain last night wokr up twice through the night in pain, my kneck, left shoulder and left shoulder blade are in pain, left side of my back by my ribs, my feet are numb, and I have pain in my left ankle.

Feeling the stress at the present so I just keep playing the message from church on Sunday.

Will try to finish writing up my articles today, and go to Able Radio to write up my show proposal.

Feeling a little down as my friends don't seem to understand me right now, wish they could see I am trying to make a profession for myself, once I am there I will be in a position to help them more until then it's about me and my immediate family.

06:58am

This is my third time awake in pain tonight will read Isaiah 53 and take some Oramorph as it is so painful in my kneck and both shoulders, my left bicep and lower back.  

14:31pm

Today has been a stressful day, I really feel sorry for service users it is so frustrating working with the social services at times it's like if you want a job done good you have to do it yourself.  Yet I am in no physical or mental condition to keep this up, however I need support and feel like I am having to fight a battle in order to get the support I need.  For example I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2008, my care plan still states medics are reviewing my condition with an aim of finding a diagnosis, we are now in 2010, I sent this with my DLA claim it gives contadiction to my other medical reports which strengthened the medical assesors claims.  Quite frustrating.  Today I have learned that the government is to abolish DLA and introduce PIP, I feel like a crash test dummy, this means we will all receive medical assesments again expect backlash from this because there is going to be a whole new can of worms opened.

04/01/2011 11:51am

Dear Diary,

I am feeling very frustrated today have just been in tears.  Woke up in pain again, had a rough night was up 4 times during the night with no one to help me.  The pain is really bad in my left hip, lower back, right shoulder, kneck, my right hand is numb, and my right foot is numb, my spasms are increasing.

Called the Heath Hospital rheumatology department today to see where I am on the waiting list, they said they needed a letter from my GP stating it was a priority for me to be seen, I found this quite strange as when I called them about a month ago they said the same thing so I telephoned my GP who faxed through the letter to them.  I just feel like I am being messed about, so I explained to the secretary this had already been done, she then proceeded to say that she is not a Doctor when I was explaining my issues and pain, I stated that I understand she is not a Doctor however "as you have explained that I need a letter from my GP stating I am a priority I was just advising you of my condition so that you could reiterate it to the Rheumatologist" she then replied oh yes I can do that.  I was so angered and frustrated that I could not say Goodbye.

I then telephoned my Consultant Psych who was unavailable so I was put through to a duty officer and advised her of my frustration, my DLA has been stopped, this means I am unable to pay for other carers to take care of me, I had to wake my son up to help me this morning with my medication, it is not fair to him.

I feel as though I am beating my head against a brick wall all of these services are in place and yet nothing seems to be moving forward.  I feel so frustrated all I can do is cry to God and pray.

12:30

Made a call to my Physiotherapist to see when she will give me therapy this month and tried to contact my Occupational Therapist too both not available, will get a call back so they say lets hope so anyway it is so hard for me to be positive right now, with so much going wrong, I wish I could go private.


There must be some hope and trust I need to focus on my prize being fit and healthy, working and being normal.

16:28

I am woken up by my mobility social worker, she has been able to find grant application from for me to be able to purchase a mobility scooter when my car is taken from me on the 14th that is great news thanks be to God.  The sad news is I applied for a membership at the charity itself.  She then proceeded to ask about my care plan from the homecare received, I requested a copy of this so that I can send this along as extra evidence with my case, they are able to show how ill I am and how many days and what they have to do for me.  However the ending of the conversation ticked me off as she said she had sent a form to my GP to find out exactly what I suffer with, although my diagnosis's were given to me in 2008 and have not changed.  I know my GP gets rather irratated by the paper work he is expected to fill out, one time he stated "I am not a social worker."    


It is in the file, it has not changed Fibromyalgia and Sickle Cell Trait along with Adjustment Reaction Disorder and depression there you have it.


My pain is still agonising thank God for my Mum and son he went to the shops and we all had chips and beef that my Mum cooked delicious.

Gonna say our family prayers now and off to the land of Nod.

Neither my Mum or son can hear me when I call so I used my community alarm to reach them, my Mum is asleep bless still jet lagged, my son came to me though, and helped me with a pain patch and prayer Isaiah 53 being our scripture tonight


Nighty Nite xx

03/01/11 10:20am

Dear Diary,

Feeling alot of pain this morning, the pain is worst in my left side on my waist and lower back. I also have pain in my left ankle, left calf, left big toe and inner left sole. There is less pain in myright hip, although my right thigh at the front and side are painful too.  At the moment I am typing with my left hand as my right hand is numb, I also have pins and needles in my left foot.

Mentally I feel better because I was able to go to church and receive prayer.  Praising God and having a cry about my situation to him always makes me feel better. I can't hold my right arm up to write for too long it hurts my left shoulder, left bicep and forearm.  It hurts to talk or shout for my son, I regrettably need his help this morning with my medication.  If the DLA did not stop my money I would be able to pay a nurse to give me my medication. I have to keep makin breaks when typing, my right wrist is hurting now too.


15:58

Woke up from a nap after taking my medication this morning, still in pain on my left side of my lower back, my right hand is numb, and feeling numb pains in my left foot.  Just responding to my emails at the moment got a lovely one from Sis Simone our Young Peoples President in church.  I am excited as I am about to finish typing my 2010-2011 articles, exciting stuff.  I need to take it easy though as I can feel my inner part of my left elbow hurting, my kneck on the left side and my left shoulder and shoulder blade are becoming irratated with pain, my left knee hurts and so does my left buttock and hip have to move as when I sit in the same position for too long that does not help.

On a happier note the fasting is going alright, I read the bible with CJ we read from the scripture preached Joshua 3.  Had some testings food wise I fancied some Quality Streets CJ eating them in front of me was not easy, and then he offered to buy me chips he never offers that to me when I want it.


I also had an intimate dream I thank the Lord because remembering the preaching from Bishop yesterday about keeping our dignity helped reinforce my spritual strength after all I am a young lass and have needs, but having a church that does not ignore this helps.

I put alot of pics up from yesterdays service so getting a request to tag it at the moment I need to focus though otherwise I will never finish my articles. 

21:07

Still in alot of pain broke my fast at 19:40 this evening, read Psalms 124 had a cup of green tea with sasparilla, scrambled egg, bacon rapped around chees and brown bread.


Limping because of the pain in my achillies heel, the soles of my feet are throbbing pain still in my left hip, my lower left side of my back, now my right side of my rib cage, both knees, both wrists, and right hand.

Say a prayer with my son and will have to crawl up the stairs to go to bed.


Good Night

23:54

I'm still awake taken my sleeping tablets, senna and pain medication slow release tramadol 150mg, just got off the fone to my girl Simmy, she is well thank the Lord she is still flat hunting she asked how my mate Camilla was I said to her same old same old, Junior talk.  The love of her life she will be will him till the day she dies, she loves him to death!