20/06/2012

Dear Diary,

These past couple of weeks have been awful, I've been bedridden for about 6 days, and in recovery from the pain, and the cruel side effects of morphine and cocaine based medications have taken their toll on me.  They make you feel so groggy, I have been thinking more and more about people who are addicts to certain drugs and all I can say is, "the drugs don't work they just make you worse" and they're disgusting! I hate how they make you feel, and how they change your functionability.  

It's in times like these I find myself feeling so grateful for the support of my son, I am truly blessed, I pray God continue to watch over him.  I felt so bad for him because of all the times for me to be extremely ill, it was during his GCSE examinations, when he needed me the most, however I tried so hard to pull the last bits of energy and strength I had and press through the pain, having a child is often the best way to get over ones self.  

Although I felt like I was dying literally because of how much pain I was in, my back, my kneck, my hip, my hands even my gums, I managed with the support of carers to still make it into the Radio Cardiff studios 2 weeks ago, although I needed quite a bit of assistance and had to use the dreaded old lady helper my zimmer frame, which is just yucky I hate it!  It's so ugly.  I don't think i would hate it so much if it I was pimped out or blinged up, but it's just an awful shade of grey.  However I must have looked awful because even my manager Tubbs, and Marketing Manager Loretta noticed that I was not myself.  

I've had a lot of time to think, whilst in bed staring at the bedroom ceiling on my worst days, and realised there's little I can do to change my situation, however from watching reality TV and looking at the houses, cars and clothes people have it is a motivator to try and strive for better, even when I feel like I've lost a fibromyalgia war today, I can't give up, I try tomorrow, I'm hoping to build a foundation for my son so that he will not have to struggle later on in life, but build on the structures set by me, my mother and my grand father.

So, I've been handling my business so to speak.  I've felt quite challenged in a situation at work, this issue may be in my mind, or it actually may be existent, either way, I was completely out of my comfort zone. There are times when I may seem annoying because of the passion I have inside me and the need to forge ahead with projects; however I appreciate I'm not an island and need the support of others for things to work, especially because I feel at a disadvantage having a limiting medical condition and disabling diagnosis.  I cannot always control my frustrations of wanting to get things done quickly because I don't have time on my side, I never know how long I actually have before I will be completely incapacitated again because of the excruciating pain I have to live with.  However, when one requires the assistance of others there are times when you have to be still.

That being said I'm proud of how I allowed Jesus to take the wheel, I prayed about this particular situation, and thought the best thing to do was face it head on, and do you know what? I think things may actually be stabilising!  Humiliation needs to be my addiction and I pray I marry and lay down with patience day in day out. 

Changes are taking place in my life, I feel like things may slowly but surely be getting better.  I'm adjusting to my new care agency, the change of routine has not been as bad as I thought it would be, the staff are all lovely, glory be to God, I'm grateful for their support.  Just having their help every day twice a day is motivation in itself, I can't get lost in my own thoughts and, I got to keep the progress train moving. 

I'm not going to lie, I've had to kick myself up the buttocks to get past my worst moments in a day.  That has been the hardest especially when the PTSD blues kick in.  I find when you hold on to the negative words people have said to you, like people who actually mean something to you in your life, people who you thought of as a friend, at times they were more than a friend they were like family; then there are the people who you respect professionally, who turn around and disappoint you with their self absorbed behaviour.  Then you begin to question if maybe you're actually the one who has PTSD or if all the people around you who are causing you distress have mental issues themselves as their behaviour is quite unsound.  Then I found this poster online: 

and do you know after reading this I realised I've had all but one of them said to me. When these words have been uttered to me I've felt like someone was being patronising, insensitive, discriminative, emotionally abusive and just down right mean.  I became enraged because when people have said these things to me I began to second guess myself, and find it difficult to move on mentally.

But then I found solus, here's the good news I read UCB Media's "Word For Today", how Jesus made himself the servant, he washed his disciples feet, he was born in a stable with animals, can you imagine the smell?  Yet he always remained humble.  I do believe the latter gets to me because of pride, I know how hard I try to keep up and be a normal part of society so to speak and yet people are saying such insensitive things to me?  Well who am I?  What makes me so special that life should not be tough for me? This is my cross and I must bare it.  I need to man up!

I began soul searching, I've been hurt a lot in life, and maybe I have hurt a lot of people unintentionally? But he who feels it knows it.  I especially feel the hurt more now I think, because I literally feel at a disadvantage, I do not feel like an equal to other people when I'm around them, especially those who have no disabilities.  So there are times when I am in excrutiating pain and I put a brave smiling face on, try to make jokes as seeing other people laugh and happy eases the sadness I feel about my situation.  Momentarily I'm taken away from what is going on with my body, and the thoughts in my head are silenced, all I can see is the beauty of a smile, and the music of laughter.  Then I return home, where I am forced to face my reality, which is exhaustion, pain, and  a set of stairs to climb up that often feel like Mount Everest.

However I sat down and thought of all the positive things people are saying, how I'm a lovely person, how I make them laugh, how glad they are that we met, some have even told me I inspire them, but the reality is I can't take credit for the good I'm able to produce, because it is a mothers prayers, a fathers love, and a son's care that keep me going; and although I often feel sorry for myself because of the Fibromyalgia trap I am in, I know deep down inside I am blessed.  Do you know what? That felt good, I smiled, I'll say it again I AM BLESSED.  

There is the key to reversing the sting of PTSD, I need to exercise a opposite action, every time a negative thought comes into my mind, I need to search my memory vault for a positive thought and combat the PTSD blues with that.  In time this should help to heal my mind.

Although I complain, and often feel miserable, the fact remains life moves forward with each day, I'm not getting any younger.  You know I was talking with my mother the other day, she truly is an angel in my life I am so sure, she said something to me that I don't think I will ever forget, she said to me "Annika, let go of the past and let the rest of your years be the best of your years!"

07/06/2012

Me after the carers helped me to face the day ahaead :)

Dear Diary,

I was feeling rather anxious yesterday, I had a bit of a panic attack about leaving the house but I'm grateful to my carers for their support and encouragement, which help me to get through.  

It's not been such a bad day today, I woke up with the same aches and pains, numbness in my hands and feet, and feeling like I'd had no sleep.  But I didn't have nightmares.  However things have been bothering me, I just wish I had a magic wand to fix my state of mind when living with PTSD you often worry about things, I'm a perfectionist and hate it when things are not going right, for instance I like to have all the tins in my cupboard with the labels facing me like when you're in the supermarkets, however having carers means that never happens it irritates me.  I also like to wash my hands after using the bathroom, but won't touch the handle of the taps, or door handles after doing so! 

When it comes to my work I want to be able to do my best or not do it at all.

But one thing my mother says I need to understand is I can't make people like me, and I if someone has a certain opinion of you the more you try to change it, the more they are convinced of the same, it's best to leave things to God trying to fix things myself can make things worse.

But when you have PTSD letting go of anxious thoughts about peoples perceptions is not as easy as it sounds, negative thoughts constantly plague your mind, you often wonder what they meant by something they said and what are they going to do or say to you next, you also worry about the conversations behind closed doors and often feel as if they are out to sabotage you.

This anxiety leads to fear, which then leads to panic, panic then inhibits your ability to function, a non ability to function then leads to depression, and the depression then in turn leads to self-harm.

If you have both PTSD and Fibromyalgia this then has a knock on effect with the symptoms from fibromyalgia leading to global pain from stress, which then leads to a physical inability to function.  It's a vicious cycle which has a knock on effect to your well-being as you then need to increase pain relief which then involves being subjected to the negative side effects of analgesia medications the main one being fatigue.

This is why for me it is essential I see my G.P on a weekly basis to get things off my chest and learn how to cope independently as I can't be with my G.P, Consultants and other healthcare professionals 24/7.  However there is the joy of social networking where I am able to communicate with various other people about how I am feeling and it truly does help, because I feel they understand me, and are not alienated by me and my multiple short comings.

I also have gospel music and the UCB media word for today to keep me going, spiritual strength is so important for natural growth.  

Kirk Franklin - Imagine Me (05/06/2012)

Dear Diary,

I had a lot of pain last night and am still feeling the ramification's today.  Through yesterday day and night I was quite distressed, because it seems my mothers brake pads had worn away on her car and were rubbing metal to metal, this brought back sad memories of my road traffic accidents and the loss of my friend who died following her car accident, anxiety did not stop for me through the night, I kept thinking about what may have happened to my Mum, what would I be without her? I had to have a small drink to calm me down which is not something that's the norm for me, in fact I had to find the last drop in the bottle of rum I use to bake cakes, but I'm not proud of this and don't recommend doing so.

I've had a lot of things on my mind lately, I'm not overly happy about my life, and even though things may be finally progressing for me medically; and financially I seem to be jumping a hurdle, I still find myself feeling anxious and worrying about the negative things in my life more than the positive things that are slowly progressing for me.

Today whilst with my carers I began to reminisce about how blessed I am and have been, how there are other people that are worse off than me, some people live with facial disfigurements, some people live without certain body parts and cope with their disabilities.  So why is it so difficult for me to get over my disabilities??? The truth is apparent to me having a mental disability like PTSD which has symptoms of depression and anxiety then partner it with Fibromyalgia which can cause one to "feel low or weepy" http://www.arthritisresearchuk.org/arthritis-information/conditions/fibromyalgia.aspx and top that off with the side effects of 14 various types of medication including, morphine and it's no wonder I feel so odd at the best of times.

So the question for me now is how am I going to get through this?  What is my master plan?  My plan is to focus, I need to remained focused on what my goals are in life and prepare a plan of action to get there.

Plan of Action

1. PTSD = I need to balance my spiritual beliefs with the "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" I am receiving, my past is what will aid my future I was grown up in a church with faith, and taught that "faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen" Hebrews 11

2. Fibromyalgia = I need to keep talking with people who live with this condition as it truly helps me to feel less alone, like I have friends who understand me, and most importantly I have friends I can open up to.  I need to make weekly visits to my GP, remain on top of health appointments like, physiotherapy, the pain management clinic, the podiatrist, psychiatrist for the PTSD clinic, my occupational therapist and social worker.

4. Personal Care = I need to find an advocate to liaise with my service providers to ensure the smooth running of my care package, as this helps to maintain my home surroundings, my food intake and my personal hygiene which really help me to feel whole.

4. Mother = I need to spend quality time with CJ doing the things that he likes more often than I do now.

5. Career = I'm able to do voluntary work and I'd like to pursue a home study course, I trained as a medical professional but following my accidents I've been a little lost.  However I have new found love for technology and may pursue a career in this field watch this space.

Future Hopes

To:

• Get treatment that can if not cure my Fibromyalgia improve it until i am totally independent.
• Have paid employment and be independent of the benefit system all together.
• Finally have a house that can feel like a home.

Above all things I need to remain close to God as having him in my life really counteracts any negativity I am going through, I recall when I was an in-patient, hearing songs like Kirk Franklin "Imagine Me" on a daily basis helped me to move forward and progress, my knight in shining armour was a good friend of mine Twanna, who gave me Kirk's CD it really did help, and I need to keep faithful words of God close to my heart.  Also reading and studying the 'UCB Media' word for today is literally a life saver and I recommend this to all believers and even non believers as there are times when we all feel isolated and alone, we often at these times find ourselves looking to the wrong people for advice, or vulnerable to negative attacks from people wishing to take advantage of our vulnerable states of mind, but be encouraged to know that no one in this whole wide world is invulnerable to feeling emotion and take solus in the following poster.