12/04/2011

Dear Diary,

Life has been unbearable, currently I am all over the place, I feel sad most of the time, I miss my independence!  

Today I made a stand, I refused to not have a bath, the carers want me to wash in the bathroom sink, where my son washes his face and brushes his teeth, how can they expect me to wash my whole body as a female in there in this heat, I understand the whole health and saafety issues as I have had x2 including today 3 falls but I just needed a bath desperately, I needed to feel clean, I cried and cried sobbing myself to the Lord for help, just some help so that I can be independent without people bathing me, seeing me naked, strangers in and out of my home all the time people who I do not know, looking at my naked body, it is humiliating, being told when I must eat I have no apetite when I am feeling like this, I have lost alot of weight, but I still feel bloated, I miss going to the gym! Today for the first time I missed being in a loving relationship having someone to protect me so I called on God and sobbed to him!

I will be heading to Coleg Glan Hafren to enrol on an online ECDL course also English and Maths! I just need to refresh my memory what I have lost since the RTA and with one of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia being 'foggy brain' I thought it would be a good start, they are all home study courses through 'Learn Direct' so I don't have to worry about being able to travel there and the fatigue from a journey, plus I am no longer driving, so I'm reliant on carers for support again which I am grateful for at times, even if it seems I am not!

I am looking forward to the 'One Love Peace Festival' got an email to say I will be interviewing Aswad so I'm looking forward to that!

Tomorrow, will be better I hope going to my 'Dart' photography course so that might cheer me up!

I had a prayer with CJ today and read the UCB 'Word For Today', it made reference to how we need to be honest with God talk to him and tell him our issues even if we argue with him he likes us to be honest with him, I want to be healed and I need a vehicle to get from a to b, I need to get back to my studies, get a job and be financially independent again! That's my prayer!

CJ and I had a prayer together a family that prays together stays together after all, we had Isaiah 6 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=isaiah%206&version=KJV this helped me expecially because I had bad dreams throught the night, I think I lose focus on what is important at times there has been so much discouragement lately doors closing left right and centre, and I have not had the strength to fight.  But I pray that God be my strength my shield and my buckler to keep moving!

05/04/2011

Dear Diary,

So much has been happening this week it has been hectic!

I started off the week with my new carers and Home Start carers supporting me, all was going well until I had a few falls in the shower now I have to wait till I get an OT assesment before they will help me in the shower.  On top of that I have a social networking critique making accusations of me faking my illness WHY???

It's not enough that I have to live with Fibromyalgia but I have to cope with accusations of faking an illness insane people are absolutely insane anyone who knows me understands I live in fear of God and pretending to have an illness could just lead to actually being ill so I try to be positive and push myself by doing the best I can to pretend to be well and live as normal a life as possible I like my independence and hate needing help, hate being pushed in a wheelchair, hate being stuck in bed because of pain, medications because of pain.

Today I went to see a Rheumatologist at the University Hospital of Wales Professor Choy he said that once my depression gets better my fibromyalgia should get better he also said there are many different forms of fibromyalgia and the one form I suffer with is effected by my depression, so he is gonna refer me to a counsellor or psychologist.

Got alot of pain in my neck at the moment especially after being prodded and poked by the Rheumatologist during my examination gonna hit the sack now! xx