24/04/2013

Dear Diary,

When you receive a blessing you know there's always going to be a testing afterwards.  

Following my sons award he had a trial having to deal with hatred from someone he would have least expected it from.  But with "God in the vessel we can smile at the storms".

Needless to say this had an effect on my I was extremely depressed and wondered to myself why is it when you do good for people they turn around and be so spiteful and turn into a enemy, but it was quite obvious to me that these young ladies were never friends of my son's to begin with they were 'frenemies'.

Nothing he ever did was good enough for them, if he was getting advertisement for the show on a national scale that was an issue, if he was trying to organise a surprise interview with a celebrity that was an issue, if he was trying to organise a training session for something he didn't feel confident in that was an isssue.

Then they took it a step further to accuse him of 'picking on disabled people' when he gave a compliment on how intelligent people with Autism are in comparison to the average person.  I think they need to take a look at this link:  http://autismmythbusters.com/general-public/famous-autistic-people/

But moving on that made me so ill, I was waking up in sweats, having nightmares and panick attacks about him being safe in the same environment as them because when girls tell lies on boys unfortunately it can be quite dangerous because the boy is seen as guilty until proven innocent.

Glory be to God he has made a way so that my son has to have no contact with these young ladies anymore, and can carry on with his endevours to raise awareness of young carer roles.

Bringing me to today, I'm so low in positive thinking after this happened my belief in human beings being good people went right down hill, the old man of me just wanting to stay at home and shut the outside world out not leaving my home came back, it's so easy to want to fall back into agoraphobia and self pity.  But I felt the strength to fight reciting an old sunday school scripture "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God, Blessed are the pure in heart..." I silently prayed for God to help me and he answered my prayers.

I'm so low on finances it's unbelievable, I have no internet connection, outgoing calls, or TV channels, I had to prioritise food this week.  My son is eating much and growing fast, so fast that he has grown out of his black tie suite jacket and is due to go to an awards ceremony where he will be presenting the cheque to his chosen charity. I prayed and God found a way someone gave me the exact amount of money I needed for the jacket not even knowing my need.

Thank you Daddy Jesus

So even though I feel pain, have days when I'm so depressed I can't get out of the house and all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and cry, I know my redeemer lives.

20/04/2013

Dear Diary,

I had a lot of back and leg pain yesterday, but CJ helped by putting some ointment on called "Rubb" I was then feeling quite low in spirit last night and this morning.

I woke up listened to some gospel music, and asked God to give me a scripture to uplift me for the situation I'm going through at the moment.

It's hard for me to be civil when people are selfish to children, it especially effects me when it's my child they be selfish to.  Yesterday a situation happened that was quite unkind, I'm unsure of the motives behind it, whether I'm reading too much into it or not but you know when you just have a gut feeling.

But God is so continually good to me and my family he opened another door and CJ got an opportunity to meet up with Akai, who was in Cardiff for the debut of his new film "All Stars".

CJ, Akai, Theo and Schwarz

Remember I told you when one door closes another door opens.  We met him last year through my previous employer and friend Dean who is the Director of a music awards ceremony in Birmingham.

As I had not treated myself to a birthday celebration in a long time, I paid for 10 tickets which cost nearly £500.  I wanted to do two things support my friends business, promote the radio station and have a lovely evening, as I'm getting too old for clubbing and it's never really been my thing I'm more of an arts/performing arts person myself. 

The actually people I chose to bring with me were people I admired.  I'm not the best judge of character it would seem, as out of nine of those people I'm only now close to five.  What pains me more as I'm quite a sensitive gal is that, two of those persons are being quite sneaky in their ways and seemingly trying to kill my sons spirit.  I could be wrong as when one has Fibromyalgia are emotions are all over the place, and paranoia can set in. So rather than as I would usually do think negatively, I did as David said in Psalms "Looked to the hills from whence cometh my help, my help cometh from the Lord who created heaven and earth".

I prayed and asked God for an encouraging word and randomly opened my bible to Proverbs 1 and the verse that stayed in my heart was:

"Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.

    Let those with understanding receive guidance

⁶ 

by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables,

    the words of the wise and their riddles.

Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge,

    but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

My child, if sinners entice you,

    turn your back on them!

don’t go along with them!

    Stay far away from their paths.

If a bird sees a trap being set,

    it knows to stay away.

But these people set an ambush for themselves;

    they are trying to get themselves killed.

¹⁹ 

Such is the fate of all who are greedy for money;

    it robs them of life."

I found this encouraging to know that I was not being paranoid people know my character and know how to push my buttons and so for me, the right thing to do is leave it in the master's hand who knows how to still troubled waters.  However God in turn warned me as he loves me so does he love my enemies equally as we are all God's children.  I then had this scripture Proverbs 24  which read: 

"Don’t rejoice when your enemies fall;

    don’t be happy when they stumble.

For the Lord will be displeased with you

    and will turn his anger away from them. 

Don’t fret because of evildoers;don’t envy the wicked.

For evil people have no future;

the light of the wicked will be snuffed out."

God has and is doing so many marvelous things in mine and my son's life I can't afford to doubt his power and abilities my weeping endured for a night but joy came in the morning.  We have had many hard times and there will be more to come which I pray God prepare me for, however when God is ready to bless me and my family the whole world sees it and it's not because of my self promotion it's because all praise all glory for what me and my family receive belongs to God and I thank you Jesus for being there for me when no one else is, when others turn their backs on me and my family.  In times of loneliness at night when I feel like crying in my pillow I feel your warmth and comfort. Even if I feel alone I was raised by a woman of God who has taught me that "you promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone" 

18/04/2013

Dear Diary,

What a difference, I feel like my life has taken a 360.

Pressure became unbearable for me in my voluntary job at the station, not the pressure of the work load, but the pressure of back biting and slander.

The final straw being issues with me taken out on my son.  So before it could get worse I resigned and opted to work solely for my son who appreciates the work I do.  He said "Mum don't worry just work with me, you're good at social networking and you teach me a lot..." He's so encouraging, I feel ashamed to be such a burden to him, but my burden I feel was eased when he received his "Rotary International Britain and Ireland Award".

He was nominated in February and after we discussed it chose to also suggest we nominate his co-host Becki.  To my utter surprise they won out of 75 regions across the UK and Ireland not one but two awards alongside their "Cardiff & Vale Young Carers Interact Club".

I was invited to attend the awards ceremony, but fear overtook me, what if I embarrassed him I thought.  What if I am too ill after the 6 hour journey.  Then him. my mother and father convinced me it would be wrong of me not to go.

Then I was concerned about who would take care of my buppies?  Thankfully my neighbour came to my rescue. there were no excuses left for me not to attend.

I was so anxious the night before that I did not sleep all night, I know when I'm nervous I talk a lot, or become loud.  I was worried about driving in a vehicle and concerned about the fact I may have another road traffic accident.  Still it wasn't about me it was and is about celebrating my son and his co-hosts achievements in trying to raise awareness of young carer issues.

The 6 hour journey did however take a toll on my body.  I was sure to take my medications which caused me to sleep all the way there, so that when the service stiop came I was still fast asleep.  When we finally arrived in North Yorkshire my lower body has seized up and could not manoeuvre out of the car, thankfully

my son, Becki's Dad and the 'Holiday Inn' came to my rescue.  

I was lifted out of the car into a wheel chair at which point it became overwhelming and I cried, I didn't want this to happen to be a burden to anyone, I was ashamed of my position and felt even more silly bursting into tears.  But as usual CJ knew the right thing to say to bring my crying to tears of joy.  He reminded me why he likes to take things slowly and why it's not good to rush; "you see Mum, this is why I take things as slow as a tortoise because you get no where trying to rush..." I could not stop laughing.

The 'Holiday Inn' was quite accommodating  they provided a raised toilet seat, bath slab and bath mat.  The room was comfortable we had heating and they also gave me extra quilts, so that I did not get cold.  The colder it is the more difficult I find it to move around, my body tenses and my muscles contract more and I experience a lot more painful spasms.

Harrogate is such a lovley place, the people are friendly, more friendly than even Cardiff I found.  It was an experience of a lifetime to be around so many positive people in one place at one time.

Becki and CJ with their RIBI YCA

To sit in the crowd watching my son on the stage receiving his awards was a surreal experience, I felt like I was in a dream, with all he has been through to hear his words of encouragement to other young carers made me feel honoured to be his mother.  I am extremely blessed and I know it's because of my mother and church prayers that are keeping us to this day.

Then this morning my scripture reading was from Acts 3 which spoke of "the stone the buliders rejected became the head corner stone" for every person who has oppressed CJ and made him feel like he didn't belong, it was for such a time as this, so that he could be an ambassoder for young carers so as he said "they don't feel isolated or alone".

I just hope I can make him as proud as he makes me by God's grace and keep being a good influence on and in his life.

To watch the young carers show channel/ youth beats road trip click this URL: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apCgewu1Na8

To watch the video of why he received the award click this URL: 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22091432

To watch the video of him accepting his awards click this URL and forward it to 10 mins: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01s23d2/Rotary_Young_Citizen_Awards_2013/

23/01/2013

Dear Diary,

Where do I begin?  *Sighs* I feel like I'm losing myself, I feel like I just give up, no one understands, I'm so lost and can't pick myself up.  God is so good to me and my boy, so many doors he opens up, but I let negativity inside my life it builds up and takes me over and BOOM! Before I know it I self destruct.

I feel like there is no one, NO ONE I can turn to for help and advice, I have many many things going on in my mind, it's like trafalgar square, trying to do so much, and then falling flat on my face.

Childhood is where I believe it started, I had that missing link a father, no sibblings around me just a loving mother, who was sweet kind and gentle and to this day still is.

But somehow, it was not enough, I missed my father.

Then school, not the best years of my life, bullying, name calling, isolation and loneliness.  So I realised being smart was not the answer for me, but rather to fit in, I had to make others laugh as I felt awkward like a joke anyway. So if I made people laugh at me it was better than being laughed at.  That would then cause me to get in with a different crowd who also felt like they didn't fit in, and they had a different culture to my christian penticostal home values, there comfort came inside a rolled up rizzla, music from the underground and a bottle of 'Thunderbirds'.

Then an intervention my father came to take me out of danger, not knowing it was too late, pier pressure had caused me to do all types of things for want, need of fitting in and finding a sense of belonging.

The things I esperienced from living rough, staying at friends houses and some frenemy houses could not be forgotten or forgiven, innocence had been foolishly given to the wolves, wolves in sheeps clothing.

By the time I would arrive in London, the anger that I thought would leave with a change of enviroment, a different city, would only be carried with me, masked by the delight of the bright lights of London.

London, a Welsh girl in London, to suddenly have people interested in me because of a different accent, I could be anyone I wanted to be no one would know me like the people who I left behind in Wales.

I was popular thought of as pretty, no name calling.  I'd have my 1st job a job that brought in £258.00 every two weeks.

But then I met a different crowd, an older crowd of work colleagues who went out on the town on pay day, naivity of a 16 year old was I could do the same, but the concern of a father for my safety never crossed my mind, one night I got so drunk that I didn't go home all night and because I didn't want an ear bashing for being home after kurfew I slept on the front door of the flats.  When I awaoke in the morning, I got the lacing of my life from my Dad and memories of that face were still raw, this being the face I saw when he would hit my Mum.

I decided to leave, it was then I met the father of my only child and beloved son.