20/04/12

Dear Diary,

I had my first PTSD session yesterday, it was not easy opening up to a stranger and I knew I'd struggle with this so I was glad to have a carer with me.

I had to talk about my childhood, my family unit and incidents that had caused an impact on me mentally and physically.  This would have been difficult had I not had sessions with my O.T in CBT.

The saddest part for me was being told that I would have to wait another year before my next appointment because of the NHS waiting list, after opening up "Pandora's Box" that was it.  I asked if there were any support groups or something that could help me in the meantime, and he knew of only one called "Woman In Mind" 

But I tackled a huge milestone if someone had said to me 4 years ago that, I would be out of my home, in an office, getting therapy, talking to a male doctor, opening up and not afraid, I would never have believed it!


Also the Psychiatrist believes that if I can learn to cope with the PTSD, it will have a positive effect on my pain management and other symptoms of Fibromyalgia, I needed to hear some good news and that was like someone had given me a 100 thousand pounds! :)

God is good I finally see his beauty in me, and his grace through other people!

"Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking, when there are clouds in the sky you'll get by if you just smile"

14/04/12

Dear Diary,

Things have been extremely stressful these last couple of weeks, I feel quite angered by being disabled now, it's really taking a toll on me emotionally.  It's an extremely unforgiving society and working in media can be quite gruelling for people who do not live with a disability let alone for me.

I never chose to be involved in media it sort of fell into place.  I worked as a nurse caring for people who needed and wanted my help, it was such a rewarding job because I could give my all and it never mattered to me about what anyone else said or did, once I was in that environment with a caring mindset, working closed off from the cares of the world which are so minor when you see someone near the end of life, or living with dementia, my life had so much meaning I understood where I was going, who I was and where I wanted to be in the future.

I had one issue and one issue only I was struggling with depression.  The depression came from hard childhood memories that I could not escape unless I was working.

I was independent, driving, studying, working, a mother and in my opinion a real woman, I could be proud to look at myself in the mirror.

In a moment my whole world turned around, I'm no longer independent - I'm dependent, I'm no longer the nurse - I'm now the patient, I'm no longer studying - medical students study me, I'm no longer working - I'm a volunteer, I'm no longer looking after my son as I did - he looks after me.

So much loss!  

When you lose a person you grieve and get over things eventually because life goes on.  But when you lose your life, in the sense of what defines you as a person, who you are, and everyday something else slips away from you regaining your independence physically and mentally you are forever in a state of grief, a piece of you is constantly dying until you begin to feel like I can't do this anymore I just want it to end, and if it can't end you have shameful thoughts of ending it yourself.


Saturday Night


After a long day of mixed emotions and tears I sat down with my son, who said to me "Mum imagine I'm not your son for a minute, I'm gonna write a list of all the things you do, and we're going to figure out all the things you need to do...being a Mum is the most important one on the list nothing else really matters!" We then watched "Wall-E" a story of a robot who had overwhelming emotions of love towards another robot, this made it do stupid things but it's passion was to love.  We then watched "The Voice UK" and Will.i.am had to make tough decisions when the other judges seemingly in their facial expressions thought him foolish.  Jessie J was so angry at one point that she said "I can't even speak right now" following Will.i.am being the last judge to have the pick from singing contestants.  They kept telling him to "push the button, push the button!" but he could not be swayed, even I was screaming at my bedroom TV!  He ignored them and followed his heart or "gut which is my Mom" he said, waiting for the best, and do you know what?  The best came! Jazz blew us all away with his rendition of "Ordinary People" I was in tears, it trended on twitter for so long and was the best TV I've watched in along time. 


Then there was "Britain's Got Talent" and a dancing pair, one disabled in a wheelchair doing what she loved to do and you could see the sheer happiness in her face.


Why am I telling you all of this?  Well I had to make a tough decision today to follow my heart (gut) and not my head, there are things I want to do in life, there are things I want to be a part of but my reality is, I'm a mother, I live with a disability that is so uncontrollable, and although I'd like to give my all to good causes sometimes I may not be the best person for that cause but someone else is!  Alot of people really don't understand me, but one thing is for sure I have to follow my heart and the hardest thing to do is LOVE when you are faced by a lot of hate.


My father used to tell me that people view kindness as a weakness, but I think being selfish is actually a sign of weakness and fear.  A wise person once told me "it's so easy to hate when you are hated but to Love when you're hated that's true strength!".


I know what I am capable of and not capable of, and I know what to accept that comes from people's lips and what not to accept.  I can't change who I am, but I can change the way I feel about situations and how I cope with them. 


Whatsoever is good, pure and honest I will dwell on these things, otherwise I'll let go of what is not good for me to hold on to!


I'm the proud mother of a beautiful 14 year old son, my disability does not define me or make me what I am.  I will learn to focus on the good days and let go of the bad days.  I will be a strong, independent woman once again and embrace those who help me to maintain my strengths and let go of my weaknesses. I will love people who hate me from a distance, I will let go of all painful past memories so that I can move forward to make beautiful memories for my future, God willing.


Midnight


I found it hard to sleep so much is going through my mind, things that I can't explain in detail, every dog will have their day, but my mother phrases it even better for me "everything that is done in secret must be openly revealed."


I watched "Game On" a portrayal of the life of Sarah Pailin during her election and she reminded me of a woman I know, who is ambitious, smart, kind, but has an unlikable factor to her persona.  I then had an urge to read http://www.ucb.co.uk/index.cfm?itemid=88&testdate=15%20Apr%202012 and http://www.ucb.co.uk/index.cfm?itemid=88&testdate=16%20Apr%202012 it helped to ease my fears.  It's okay to have a goal of just wanting to help someone for the sake of helping them, if the Good Samaritan had stopped to think before helping the injured man on the road what would have happened?


I know there is a meaning to all that has happened to me today.  I just need to assess things and figure it out, or maybe I don't maybe I just need to leave yesterday alone and concentrate on tomorrow.


Either way I can find solus in my bible for tonight.


Good night