01/04/2011

Dear Diary,

I am unable to sleep, so much is happening in my life that is effecting my mental stability and I do not have the strength to deal with it all alone, and I do not know how to pray anymore?

At the moment I am listening to the UCB Gospel channel and appreciating the songs they are so encouraging songs of assurance that everything is ok, and everything will be alright and as I type I actually believe it, all things that seem impossible for me to solve are because i am actually not meant to solve them God will sort it out, there are certain situations I am just not in control of and that is because God expects me to exercise my faith muscles my trust in him the real question is do I really trust God will do right by me and my family?  I am smiling while I type this I do, I know he created me in his image, he loves me, he has saved my life on numerous occasions I should not be here, be alive today, but against all odds Hello, I am here a living testimony of miracles being able to still happen in 2011, so you know what he is taking care of my loved ones and we will all see heaven together with his help.

I am really looking forward to the future it is bright, blessings are in store!  I have a new TV show in the works yes online TV I will be working on the Black International Film Festival and supporting my son's school to start a PTA life is looking up with new possibilities.  I appreciate my Pastors they are wonderful and my friends and immediate family there is alot of love and I need to project that love and stop feeling negatively!

30/03/2011

Dear Diary,

CJ starts his new school on Monday I hope he does well I will support him all I can, I wish for him to be successful have a good happy life, and move far away from here!

We are blessed in this country so not too far away but far enough so that the negative labelling that is happening with our family will never effect him.  My mum and I have been through soo much some self inflicted and some uncalled for backlash from alleged family, friends and brethren.  

I pray God tell me what one is to do when the ones who you turn to for help turn against you, who can one run to?  I can only think of the psalmist David who says "I will look to the hills from whence cometh my help, my help cometh from the Lord" knowing that a great sacrifice as an innocent life was made on that old rugged cross, I must live!  I must try to overcome thoughts of self harm, thoughts of suicide, thoughts of doubt.  My success will encourage others to succeed and break this continuous negative cycle.

It is time for me to take life seriously, stop moping around feeling sorry for myself and do better God has given me sooo much to be happy about, I am blessed!  

I have a magnificient mother, a wondeful son, and good friends who care about me and love me, I am thankful!

It is time to claim 2011 as my year of victory and success not be a vicitm to failure keep knocking on doors they will open, and if they do not open, ask God to give me the key for the earth is the Lords and the fullness there of I am looking forward to spending time with my family I enjoy movie night and games night hopefully we will have more happy times never forgetting a family that prays together stays together!

29/03/2011

Dear Diary,

It has been a difficult couple of weeks, I feel so alone, like nobody actually gives a darn!

I have a social worker, support worker, G.P, consultant, occupational therapist, physiotherapist and carers but I feel like I am just a number, a list they go through ticking their boxes do they really care?

My social worker I only see her when she has to keep her records updated, my support worker has been ill for about two months and soon because of funding will be leaving, my G.P is a star bless but he has soo many patients to see, my consultant I can hardly understand what she says I see her every 3 months, my occupational therapist is a star but they change so often I never know where I am and my physiotherapist thinks I can do all these exercises and must work through the pain.

It is fast becoming too much I just wish to find a cure so I can have a normal life.

The pain has been unbearable this week and I have been going through issues with my work that have really not helped.

Not having that extra support with my disability living allowance has not helped but there is nothing I can do except re-apply and get updated support letters in with my application.  I am due to have HOME START in as of Friday and extra support from a carers agency as my mobility has been really bad, I do think it is because of all the mental stress I am under.  I really have been down and not able to pick myself up, I am putting my mother in charge of my affairs she is the only one I can trust.

I've had to put in for a drivers license change as I cannot drive a manual car anymore and I will have to put other modifications in.  This made me feel the pressure, I cannot believe that things have become so difficult I never thought my life was going to be like this at 32.  I spend alot of time in bed, not being able to do much, I can't even make it to the local shop on foot anymore.  That has been a hard pill to swallow.

I was thinking the other day that if an animal was suffering they would think it cruel and want to put them out of their misery, who will put me out of mine?

15/03/2011 cont.....from 14/03/2011

Dear Diary,

So where was I ....ah yes..I remember now bawling like a baby is where we left off!

So I get home and just can't wait to get to my bedroom, I am meant to be going to my Dad's 50th Birthday Celebrations and my Uncle's 65th Birthday Celebrations they are having a double birthday party, the dress code is caribbean.

I feel pathetic, I have no transportation to get there, I have no money left for a taxi there, I have not heard from my Dad and frankly I am such a mess emotionally I would probably spoil the party.

I just lock my door, put a pillow over my face and start to cry uncontrollably like a baby.  when you are feeling this low, worthless all sorts of crazy thoughts go through your head about you life not being worth living, the only thing sustaining me is the thought of how my beautiful son would feel if I were not around.

I telephone his father and ask what he would do if I was ever unable to look after his son, he responds with all the wrong answers which adds to the need for me to keep fighting and pressing toward the mark of the higher calling which is in Christ Jesus.

I cry so hard that when I wake up the next morning I can hardly move I am stiff all over, and low and behold my mother is here, every time I am really ill God sends her to me.  She comes and tells me that CJ said to her in a whispering voice so that i could not hear or wake up "Nan Mum is a little bit upset right now she has been crying because she didn't get the job..."  We laughed and I thought bless him he is so sweet, I explained it was a combination of everything the assault that first caused my disability, the car accidents that finished me off so to speak, the discrimination CJ suffered in The Cathedral School, the loss of my disability living allowance and now not getting a job!

THE GOOD NEWS

Here is the happy ending I open my emails and in my inbox it reads ONE LOVE PEACE FESTIVAL!  When I get around to finally looking at the flyer I see artists such as BUSTA RHYMES, SHAGGY, SEAN PAUL, GYPTIAN, KY-MANI MARLEY well I am so happy to know I will be a part of this it makes my day, I telephone the PR company SHILOH-PR and thank them for including me on their mailing list.

When I go to church the next day God is really speaking through our Elder he encourages us and stops the service and says before we go any further we are all going to lay hands and pray for Sis Annika, he comes over and asks me where the pain is I tell him it is in my kneck, at this point I am in agony my kneck cannot hold my head up it is just flopping everywhere, he begins to pray and i kid you not I feel as if someone has turned the shower on my kneck and the hot water has been turned on but the cold water comes first and towards the end you feel the hot water thats the best way I can describe it then the pain in my kneck is gone.

Now some of you may say she is a loon, some of you may not believe me but from the heart it is true a miracle happened to me!  He ends the service bu summarising in his preaching that some of us are not having the right faith, he tells us there are two types of faith, he defines right faith as faith in Jesus Christ, and misplaced faith as a failure to believe in Jesus and putting your trust in another person.  He emplores us not to let nothing rob our faith and reassures us with the promise left by God that we must proclaim "I will never leave you nor forsake you" John 10:28 as I wrte this I think of the poem "Footprints"

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

14/03/2011

Dear Diary,

This week has been one of the worst weeks I have EVER had, physically, mentally, emotionally I am drained and feel like I have nothing more to give!

I started off the week with hopes and aspirations of it being better than the one before however little did I know what the devil had in store for me....

I was supposed to attend the Ethnic Minorities Communities First Health Fair, I had been so unwell my Fibromyalgia has been at one of it's worst weeks, got myself ready did some work for the proposal of a pilot show to run on the station I work at!  When I finally got around to reading my emails I had missed the opportunity to attend a Heritage Funding Application Business training day and an art class because of all the pain meds I am on it causes me to take a while coming around in the morning and I lose my chain of thought. 

This would have been the opportunity I needed to pick myself up financially, support my BME community and alleviate my stress grrr!!!!  

The next day I read my emails to my dismay I find out that I missed the opportunity to review WESTLIFE concert in Cardiff I was bummed out then to add fuel to my fire I receive a call from the rheumatologist at my hospital to say that they will have to cancel my appointment due to the Consultants ill health!  I was like I sympathise with the position of the Doc but "WHAAAAT I have been waiting for over a year and a half for this appointment and this is the second week they have rang to cancel!"  So then I had to get and get advice from a solicitor as following the DLA reduction and loss, my social worker is stopping my direct payment scheme, and is only giving me 7 hours care in place of my normal 25 hours, CJ is not receiving the support he needs, we are struggling over here!

I then recieve a call from one of my volunteers to say a training session I have been waiting 2 years for has to be postponed by this time I had become numb you know when you are receiving blows and you lose sensation in your body that was me.

So the Wednesday is here that I was dreading and we have an appointment at CJ'S new school with the head and her colleague, she was a little narcy because she was curious as to why her school is the closest in my encatchment area and I have not sent my son there?  I replied her received a scholarship and that opportunity could not be missed, CJ and I were both suprised at the low expectations for pupils academically but not to worry he will breeze through just have to give him lots of home study.

So I am a day away from a job interview that I feel may change my life and I open an email that someone didn't mean to copy me in on and they are typing about me in a very negative way.  This shocked me and threw me as I thought this person was genuinely so nice, understood me and cared.  I believed in them and what they stood for, I trusted because they had a disability they knew where I was coming from, however this was not the case.  I was so emotional and thought what should I do I have a presentation to finish for a job interview but all of me just wanted to give up and stay in bed, but I thought no you need something good to happen.  So I looked up the travel times for where I was heading and it stated there were three morning trains I could get in order to arrive for my 09:30am interview..the 07:20am , the 08:00am and the 09:20am.  Even though I would have a change with the 8:00am and it would cost me peak fare I had to take this train.

When I get into my taxi to go to Cardiff train station he tells me that it is all locked off at the front due to the Rugby so I will have to go the opposite entrance, this I was not looking forward to as it means walking in and around the station to get to the lifts!  I finally get to the ticket desk to hear that there is no 8:00am train anymore and the next train will leave at 09:20am, so I call the management with whom I will be meeting with to inform them of my late arrival.  

I finally arrive at my destination in Pontypool there is nooo lift just a bunch of stairs and no taxi rank thankfully a colleague Malcolm collects me from the station but I am not dressed in my winter best because I cannot have too much heavy clothing on in order to manoevre on crutches, and assumed I would be ok as I was only to be in taxis to the stations and destinations (ooh dat rhymed) anyhooow?!?!  Going down these steps was sheer agaony I was soo anxious as I was not good on my feet that day and thought I may fall my hip was messed up!

Whilst on my way to my interview I discover this post I am applying for has someone acting in the role and (bamm!) I was like I'm not getting this job because they are also applying for the job, then without meaning to a conversation arises about that email I saw, (umm helllooo I am already a wreck why are you talking about emotional stuff before an interview Annika somebody shoot me now!?!?)  The interview was neve wracking I was being rushed, I felt intimidated and just wanted to get out!  After all I was late and they had others to interview.  I felt disappointed in myself, I messed up spent £40.00 to get to an interview that I should not even be applying for I thought look at me physically who would want to employ a cripple like me?  A colleague decides to take me back to Cwmbran train station as he is aware of it being easier for disabled peope (ohh how wrong he was).

I got to the train station to go back home and as I was arriving my train was leaving, then there is more...the platform I need to catch my train from is on the opposite side there are no lifts at the God forsaken strain station (yes I said strain instead of train) and I have to go up not one but two flights of stairs to get to a bridge walk over the rail lines and go back down to flights of stairs, I go into the office of the station and ask if there is another route I can take she said "yes it is about a 2 mile walk though!" I was miffed!!!  I see a taxi dropping off a woman and think can I get to him in time before he pulls away to leave?  Thankfully I do I explain my dilemma "Hi I wonder if you can help me? I need to go to the other side of the train station to catch my train I know it is not a large fare but I'm not gonna make it"  he turns his face away looks at the lady she was talking to and then tells me to jump in.  I am so relieved! 

I get to the other side of the station and I have a 40mins wait it is freeaing I can't feel my feet all I have on is a blazer, t-shirt, silk Mc-Hammer trousers and my primsoles definately not winter clothing.  I try to think of hot countries while i am waiting for the train, I am soo late for my next appointment so I ring to cancel it this was another funding support application meeting.  The train is finally coming (yay) I go to get on, sit down and Jheeze I can see my breath, they have the air conditioning on.  I say to the trolley lady "Are you able to turn the air conditioning off please?" she replies "the guard has gone to try and fix it because it is broken I do apologise"  I was like is this a freaking joke, it has got to be a joke I am having a really bad day by now.

I arrive back at Cardiff to the disorganised caos of the building changes due to the rugby, I plan to get to the cashpoint, then get a taxi to my next appointment.  As I look at the distance I have to walk to get there I start to cry and can't stop thank God for my glasses don't wish anyone to see.  I am finally by the lifts to go down to the ground floor of the train station after stopping and starting on the long platform mile.  The doors open everyone gets in the lift \i am trying to get to the doors of the lift and it closes, my tears are now streaming down my face.  When I finally get to the entrance where they are making all the changes for the rugby they have re-diverted the walking path,well I cannot walk all that way so I notice a gap and start heading for it, one of the builders tells me to go the other way please, I'm like "I can't make it you don't understand I just need to walk in a straight line to the cashpoint there is nothing happening in this direction" he replies "there will be soon it is the same distance just go the other way!" I started thinking is he serious?  That would mean turning around following the path I just took then going another direction to get back into the train station, exiting the station the opposite end and then having to stand in a queue to use the cashpoint!  I responded "Look I'm a woman on the edge right about now, I'm in alot of pain, I just need to get to the cashpoint and go to get a taxi to go home..every time there is a match on Cardiff re-arrange the train station and do not consider people who may be disabled...now let me through" he started trying to quarrel, people started to protest and his collegue was like let her through, people started to clap, but I was so emotional that I did not care I just needed to get my cash and go but wait there is more....I have to make my way to the other side of the station for a taxi, this took me anout 20mins to walk 7 metres thats not a long distance trust me it is when you are on crutches and exhausted.  When I finally get to the other side of the train station there are NOOOO TAXIS ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!! I just start to bawl like a baby!

What will I do now?  I look over and see a man in a car eating his lunch and I ask if I can just sit in his car while I phone a taxi because I am freezing cold, he lets me in, now I do not recommend getting into cars with strangers but he was from a taxi firm that does not have contracts to be collecting fares from the train station and he rang another taxi firm for me.  As I get to the office 3 and a half hours late, freezing, exhausted and cried out, I finally get to sit down, then it comes....I need the ladies (for God sake!)  My mum is not around there is no one I can ask for help, I sit there for an hour and thankfully my girl Genaya arrives giving me a hand to the loo (you lose all inhibitions when you are desperate!)

I receive a call to say I did not get the job just as I sit back down, my lip quivers, I start to cry I expected it but with all I am going through I needed it truly I did, I could have got a car, a mobility scooter regained my independence got CJ back on track, we would have full cupboards of food again.

I just came home and bawled like a baby crying myself to sleep I was happy for who got it as he had been in the role and needed the job also but still I was just soo frustrated after all I had been through!

When one door closes another door opens to be continued.....

07/03/2011

Dear Diary,

It has been one heck of a week, I started the week off in tears discussing how best my son can go forward with Chidren Social Services following the discrimination he recieved whilst attending 'The Cathedral School'.  As he is registered as a young carer he is considered a 'Child In Need' however there has been minimal support from them in my opinion they could do better.  So I was anxious but relieved about my son travelling to London to spend time with his father and sibblings. 

I had the opportunity to meet and interview the R&B superstar Mario who was cheeky and delightful, the crowd were going crazy over him, this always concerns me as these stars are just human they eat and use the bathroom like every other person does if you cut them they bleed the same.  For me though I was attracted to his bodyguard who was a dark chocolate delight to look at muscles in all the right places I was in a dilemma with my faith however, and pondered; it's human for me to be attracted to males its animal instinct nature however am I lusting? So I called my Pastor today for clarification and what she told me was it is ok to admire and think "wow he is beautiful" and pray to God saying Lord when I have a husband if it be your will let him look like him, however to crave and desire to be sexual with them is the actual sin of lusting but looking and admiring is not actual lust. But either way I must be careful, cos I might find myself staring at pics of Chris Brown all day Lol!

So it was the 54th Ghana Independence Celebrations I fell asleep and missed covering the Part 1 for my blog 'Black Britian is Beautiful' however, I went to the Part 2 celebrations in the ONLY African restaraunt in Cardiff  'TRIBE TRIBE' and it was so delightful there I am making that my regular spot fortnightly; the service, the decor, the atmosphere and the food were all fantastic. I have never really been one for wanting to try African food I had my reservations but for journalistic purposes once I saw there 'Goat Pepper Soup' come through the doors I just had to try it and it was yummy, peppery but lovely I was braving the pepper because it tasted soo good lol.

Then I headed to 'The Cougar Lounge' to support my mate Schwarz who was organising the Ghana Independence celebrations for his company 'Blaqbone Media' I went there with my girl Nat and we had a blast after which we all headed down to the 411 for Part 3 I was being offered Champagne so I thought half a glass may not be an issue well I was tipsy so no alcohol for me ever again and I just remember swaying my head and all my hair falling out and sharing a celebratory kiss (no tongues) with my Mums ex-student which was sweet he is a dream but must never happen again dangerous ground.

Once we left it was a nightmare to get my very tipsy friend Nat to the car she became 'Chun Li' when this guy made a threat to another one of our entourage and was about to drop kick this guy, I quickly realised this would not be happening if I were in church and I felt a little guilty the next day for not representing God better, but I know he understands I am human however I will try to do better in the future.

Sadly things did not go to plan for my son due to personal circumstances of sleeping arrangements but hopefully next month will go ahead and he will get the opportunity to be with his family in London again.  Part of me was glad to have him home with me because I would have missed my munchkin too much, however part of my was annoyed and started to regret being dependant on people for support at times because of the fact when they let you down it is hurtful but when they let your children down it has a knock on effect CJ has been through so much I just want him to have stability! 

Anyway just gonna keep playing the UCB Gospel channel and it is so motivational and helps me to see the positives always put your trust in God he knows best everything happens for a reason whatever will be will be and all of that.  I wish I could see the future and what it holds for my son I just want things to be perfect for him, I wish I could turn back the clock and give him the perfect life he deserves, he is growing so fast and I am trying to stop the years from going by sooo quickly but he is a sweetheart and deserves the best life can offer.  So Lord please keep your eyes on him and send you angels to keep him in all your ways xx

02/03/2011

Dear Diary,

I have not been myself for the past week, I've been really ill physically and mentally.  Have you ever been so depressed that you couldn't focus to pray, or to read your bible? Well that was me, I've had no idea what I am going to do? My DLA has stopped and it feels like there is nothing I can do, I have contacted the Fibromyalgia Association to see if I can get some support from them but they are all the way in Cwmbran! I could re-apply but to go through medical tests and be right back at square one this I don't have the energy for, I need to find a way to move forward.

This weekend will be a huge milestone in my life CJ will be spending the weekend with his brother and he will see his father for the first time in many years!  I have mixed emotions about this, but I am grateful to my son's brothers mother who has been quite helpful, my anxiety struck and then I channelled it differently I thought of how my son might be feeling this is so new to him?  He will be meeting strangers who are his family, and they will not be strangers any more but a beautiful relationship will be forged, it really is not about me it is about the children.  His father also has girls and girls grow up to be women who need to be protected and looked after until they are able to find their soul mate to do so, far from women being the weaker sex however I know that I would like my son to understand that woman are not to be taken advantage of but rather respected, I love the fact that he is so caring with me and hope that he will follow this through not only with his sisters but with his wife when he is of age.  I hope he settles down with the right woman who will not abuse his kind nature although I do not think he would allow himself to be abused nor be the abuser!  I've realised I have sooo many hopes and aspirations for my son and wish to support his dreams fully and give him the expertise of where I went wrong in life so that he does not make those same mistakes.  He is growing into a lovely young man and growing ever so quickly too, can't think where all the years have gone just yesterday I was giving birth and he was a tiny baby in my arms, now he is a 5"10 size 13 shoe 13 year old with younger sibblings to be an example to responsibility has been something he learned from a young age so I have faith in God that he will cope well with this change.