Dear Diary,
This week has been one of the worst weeks I have EVER had, physically, mentally, emotionally I am drained and feel like I have nothing more to give!
I started off the week with hopes and aspirations of it being better than the one before however little did I know what the devil had in store for me....
I was supposed to attend the Ethnic Minorities Communities First Health Fair, I had been so unwell my Fibromyalgia has been at one of it's worst weeks, got myself ready did some work for the proposal of a pilot show to run on the station I work at! When I finally got around to reading my emails I had missed the opportunity to attend a Heritage Funding Application Business training day and an art class because of all the pain meds I am on it causes me to take a while coming around in the morning and I lose my chain of thought.
This would have been the opportunity I needed to pick myself up financially, support my BME community and alleviate my stress grrr!!!!
The next day I read my emails to my dismay I find out that I missed the opportunity to review WESTLIFE concert in Cardiff I was bummed out then to add fuel to my fire I receive a call from the rheumatologist at my hospital to say that they will have to cancel my appointment due to the Consultants ill health! I was like I sympathise with the position of the Doc but "WHAAAAT I have been waiting for over a year and a half for this appointment and this is the second week they have rang to cancel!" So then I had to get and get advice from a solicitor as following the DLA reduction and loss, my social worker is stopping my direct payment scheme, and is only giving me 7 hours care in place of my normal 25 hours, CJ is not receiving the support he needs, we are struggling over here!
I then recieve a call from one of my volunteers to say a training session I have been waiting 2 years for has to be postponed by this time I had become numb you know when you are receiving blows and you lose sensation in your body that was me.
So the Wednesday is here that I was dreading and we have an appointment at CJ'S new school with the head and her colleague, she was a little narcy because she was curious as to why her school is the closest in my encatchment area and I have not sent my son there? I replied her received a scholarship and that opportunity could not be missed, CJ and I were both suprised at the low expectations for pupils academically but not to worry he will breeze through just have to give him lots of home study.
So I am a day away from a job interview that I feel may change my life and I open an email that someone didn't mean to copy me in on and they are typing about me in a very negative way. This shocked me and threw me as I thought this person was genuinely so nice, understood me and cared. I believed in them and what they stood for, I trusted because they had a disability they knew where I was coming from, however this was not the case. I was so emotional and thought what should I do I have a presentation to finish for a job interview but all of me just wanted to give up and stay in bed, but I thought no you need something good to happen. So I looked up the travel times for where I was heading and it stated there were three morning trains I could get in order to arrive for my 09:30am interview..the 07:20am , the 08:00am and the 09:20am. Even though I would have a change with the 8:00am and it would cost me peak fare I had to take this train.
When I get into my taxi to go to Cardiff train station he tells me that it is all locked off at the front due to the Rugby so I will have to go the opposite entrance, this I was not looking forward to as it means walking in and around the station to get to the lifts! I finally get to the ticket desk to hear that there is no 8:00am train anymore and the next train will leave at 09:20am, so I call the management with whom I will be meeting with to inform them of my late arrival.
I finally arrive at my destination in Pontypool there is nooo lift just a bunch of stairs and no taxi rank thankfully a colleague Malcolm collects me from the station but I am not dressed in my winter best because I cannot have too much heavy clothing on in order to manoevre on crutches, and assumed I would be ok as I was only to be in taxis to the stations and destinations (ooh dat rhymed) anyhooow?!?! Going down these steps was sheer agaony I was soo anxious as I was not good on my feet that day and thought I may fall my hip was messed up!
Whilst on my way to my interview I discover this post I am applying for has someone acting in the role and (bamm!) I was like I'm not getting this job because they are also applying for the job, then without meaning to a conversation arises about that email I saw, (umm helllooo I am already a wreck why are you talking about emotional stuff before an interview Annika somebody shoot me now!?!?) The interview was neve wracking I was being rushed, I felt intimidated and just wanted to get out! After all I was late and they had others to interview. I felt disappointed in myself, I messed up spent £40.00 to get to an interview that I should not even be applying for I thought look at me physically who would want to employ a cripple like me? A colleague decides to take me back to Cwmbran train station as he is aware of it being easier for disabled peope (ohh how wrong he was).
I got to the train station to go back home and as I was arriving my train was leaving, then there is more...the platform I need to catch my train from is on the opposite side there are no lifts at the God forsaken strain station (yes I said strain instead of train) and I have to go up not one but two flights of stairs to get to a bridge walk over the rail lines and go back down to flights of stairs, I go into the office of the station and ask if there is another route I can take she said "yes it is about a 2 mile walk though!" I was miffed!!! I see a taxi dropping off a woman and think can I get to him in time before he pulls away to leave? Thankfully I do I explain my dilemma "Hi I wonder if you can help me? I need to go to the other side of the train station to catch my train I know it is not a large fare but I'm not gonna make it" he turns his face away looks at the lady she was talking to and then tells me to jump in. I am so relieved!
I get to the other side of the station and I have a 40mins wait it is freeaing I can't feel my feet all I have on is a blazer, t-shirt, silk Mc-Hammer trousers and my primsoles definately not winter clothing. I try to think of hot countries while i am waiting for the train, I am soo late for my next appointment so I ring to cancel it this was another funding support application meeting. The train is finally coming (yay) I go to get on, sit down and Jheeze I can see my breath, they have the air conditioning on. I say to the trolley lady "Are you able to turn the air conditioning off please?" she replies "the guard has gone to try and fix it because it is broken I do apologise" I was like is this a freaking joke, it has got to be a joke I am having a really bad day by now.
I arrive back at Cardiff to the disorganised caos of the building changes due to the rugby, I plan to get to the cashpoint, then get a taxi to my next appointment. As I look at the distance I have to walk to get there I start to cry and can't stop thank God for my glasses don't wish anyone to see. I am finally by the lifts to go down to the ground floor of the train station after stopping and starting on the long platform mile. The doors open everyone gets in the lift \i am trying to get to the doors of the lift and it closes, my tears are now streaming down my face. When I finally get to the entrance where they are making all the changes for the rugby they have re-diverted the walking path,well I cannot walk all that way so I notice a gap and start heading for it, one of the builders tells me to go the other way please, I'm like "I can't make it you don't understand I just need to walk in a straight line to the cashpoint there is nothing happening in this direction" he replies "there will be soon it is the same distance just go the other way!" I started thinking is he serious? That would mean turning around following the path I just took then going another direction to get back into the train station, exiting the station the opposite end and then having to stand in a queue to use the cashpoint! I responded "Look I'm a woman on the edge right about now, I'm in alot of pain, I just need to get to the cashpoint and go to get a taxi to go home..every time there is a match on Cardiff re-arrange the train station and do not consider people who may be disabled...now let me through" he started trying to quarrel, people started to protest and his collegue was like let her through, people started to clap, but I was so emotional that I did not care I just needed to get my cash and go but wait there is more....I have to make my way to the other side of the station for a taxi, this took me anout 20mins to walk 7 metres thats not a long distance trust me it is when you are on crutches and exhausted. When I finally get to the other side of the train station there are NOOOO TAXIS ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!! I just start to bawl like a baby!
What will I do now? I look over and see a man in a car eating his lunch and I ask if I can just sit in his car while I phone a taxi because I am freezing cold, he lets me in, now I do not recommend getting into cars with strangers but he was from a taxi firm that does not have contracts to be collecting fares from the train station and he rang another taxi firm for me. As I get to the office 3 and a half hours late, freezing, exhausted and cried out, I finally get to sit down, then it comes....I need the ladies (for God sake!) My mum is not around there is no one I can ask for help, I sit there for an hour and thankfully my girl Genaya arrives giving me a hand to the loo (you lose all inhibitions when you are desperate!)
I receive a call to say I did not get the job just as I sit back down, my lip quivers, I start to cry I expected it but with all I am going through I needed it truly I did, I could have got a car, a mobility scooter regained my independence got CJ back on track, we would have full cupboards of food again.
I just came home and bawled like a baby crying myself to sleep I was happy for who got it as he had been in the role and needed the job also but still I was just soo frustrated after all I had been through!
When one door closes another door opens to be continued.....
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