Dear Diary,
So where was I ....ah yes..I remember now bawling like a baby is where we left off!
So I get home and just can't wait to get to my bedroom, I am meant to be going to my Dad's 50th Birthday Celebrations and my Uncle's 65th Birthday Celebrations they are having a double birthday party, the dress code is caribbean.
I feel pathetic, I have no transportation to get there, I have no money left for a taxi there, I have not heard from my Dad and frankly I am such a mess emotionally I would probably spoil the party.
I just lock my door, put a pillow over my face and start to cry uncontrollably like a baby. when you are feeling this low, worthless all sorts of crazy thoughts go through your head about you life not being worth living, the only thing sustaining me is the thought of how my beautiful son would feel if I were not around.
I telephone his father and ask what he would do if I was ever unable to look after his son, he responds with all the wrong answers which adds to the need for me to keep fighting and pressing toward the mark of the higher calling which is in Christ Jesus.
I cry so hard that when I wake up the next morning I can hardly move I am stiff all over, and low and behold my mother is here, every time I am really ill God sends her to me. She comes and tells me that CJ said to her in a whispering voice so that i could not hear or wake up "Nan Mum is a little bit upset right now she has been crying because she didn't get the job..." We laughed and I thought bless him he is so sweet, I explained it was a combination of everything the assault that first caused my disability, the car accidents that finished me off so to speak, the discrimination CJ suffered in The Cathedral School, the loss of my disability living allowance and now not getting a job!
THE GOOD NEWS
Here is the happy ending I open my emails and in my inbox it reads ONE LOVE PEACE FESTIVAL! When I get around to finally looking at the flyer I see artists such as BUSTA RHYMES, SHAGGY, SEAN PAUL, GYPTIAN, KY-MANI MARLEY well I am so happy to know I will be a part of this it makes my day, I telephone the PR company SHILOH-PR and thank them for including me on their mailing list.
When I go to church the next day God is really speaking through our Elder he encourages us and stops the service and says before we go any further we are all going to lay hands and pray for Sis Annika, he comes over and asks me where the pain is I tell him it is in my kneck, at this point I am in agony my kneck cannot hold my head up it is just flopping everywhere, he begins to pray and i kid you not I feel as if someone has turned the shower on my kneck and the hot water has been turned on but the cold water comes first and towards the end you feel the hot water thats the best way I can describe it then the pain in my kneck is gone.
Now some of you may say she is a loon, some of you may not believe me but from the heart it is true a miracle happened to me! He ends the service bu summarising in his preaching that some of us are not having the right faith, he tells us there are two types of faith, he defines right faith as faith in Jesus Christ, and misplaced faith as a failure to believe in Jesus and putting your trust in another person. He emplores us not to let nothing rob our faith and reassures us with the promise left by God that we must proclaim "I will never leave you nor forsake you" John 10:28 as I wrte this I think of the poem "Footprints"
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
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