02/03/2011

Dear Diary,

I have not been myself for the past week, I've been really ill physically and mentally.  Have you ever been so depressed that you couldn't focus to pray, or to read your bible? Well that was me, I've had no idea what I am going to do? My DLA has stopped and it feels like there is nothing I can do, I have contacted the Fibromyalgia Association to see if I can get some support from them but they are all the way in Cwmbran! I could re-apply but to go through medical tests and be right back at square one this I don't have the energy for, I need to find a way to move forward.

This weekend will be a huge milestone in my life CJ will be spending the weekend with his brother and he will see his father for the first time in many years!  I have mixed emotions about this, but I am grateful to my son's brothers mother who has been quite helpful, my anxiety struck and then I channelled it differently I thought of how my son might be feeling this is so new to him?  He will be meeting strangers who are his family, and they will not be strangers any more but a beautiful relationship will be forged, it really is not about me it is about the children.  His father also has girls and girls grow up to be women who need to be protected and looked after until they are able to find their soul mate to do so, far from women being the weaker sex however I know that I would like my son to understand that woman are not to be taken advantage of but rather respected, I love the fact that he is so caring with me and hope that he will follow this through not only with his sisters but with his wife when he is of age.  I hope he settles down with the right woman who will not abuse his kind nature although I do not think he would allow himself to be abused nor be the abuser!  I've realised I have sooo many hopes and aspirations for my son and wish to support his dreams fully and give him the expertise of where I went wrong in life so that he does not make those same mistakes.  He is growing into a lovely young man and growing ever so quickly too, can't think where all the years have gone just yesterday I was giving birth and he was a tiny baby in my arms, now he is a 5"10 size 13 shoe 13 year old with younger sibblings to be an example to responsibility has been something he learned from a young age so I have faith in God that he will cope well with this change.