21/02/2011

Dear Diary,

I have no idea where to begin except to say in my sons words this week "sucked!"  

The week started off brilliantly I met with my friend Leigh from the 411 in Cardiff he was telling me about the walk he is doing in support of CORE and the memory of his mother.

I got offered a fantastic job with the CEO of the Black International Film Festival and MVSA.

Made arrangements with Blaqbone Media regarding the MOBO'S coming to Wales.

Then boom! Crash! Bang! I received my Statement of Reasons from the Tribunal hearing for my Disability Living Allowance after their decision to support the decsion makers termination of my award following their EMP and Doctors assessments.  The Doctors basically screwed me over because if people are aware of Fibromyalgia there are no physical medical tests that can be carried out to determined one suffers with this condition.  You need to have x-rays, blood tests, etc.  However the tribunal ignored this and went with their verdicts rather than my G.P'S letters, Physiotherapists Reports, Occupational Therapists, Social Workers Care Plans, and Psychologist letters. 

As I read through the Dept of Working Pensions Doctors report I was heart broken, the last report was so full of c**p he reckoned I could walk 200m alone, without pain, stumbling, or repurcussions.  This is craaaaazy.  He said many untruths and I cannot do anything to prove this because the person who was with me was my Mother and they will just think she is saying things to back me up.

I felt so low again that I hit bottom rock, if I didn't know what fibromyalgia was I would have believed what these Doctors were saying.  They actually made me look like I was to use their words "exaggerating" my illness.  This makes me laugh in sarcasim because it took so long to get a diagnosis before which I was imagining my pain, now I have been finally diagnosed I am "exagerating" my pain.

You know they have noo idea of the effect they have on peoples lives, people who genuinely are disabled, people who genuinely have a illness which means, they cannot be hugged without it hurting, they cannot have a relationship intimately because of fear of pain, they cannot wear thier heels because of pain, they cannot go to hte gym, they cannot have their nails done because of the pain. I am crying while I write this but it is true, I cannot have a full-time job because of fatigue and pain.  I have to take soo much medication I cannot drive, and when I do drive I have pain.  My home looks like a freak shop because of all the adjustmenst that have had to be made.  Why?  Why would I want this life?  I was a cute, nice figured, well dressed girl people would look twice when I passed now *tears* they look and feel sorry for me because I look pathetic having to push a zimmerframe at 32 years old!  This is not the life I want and I will get back on my feet!  This is just my testing.

I am so glad today I was feeling like ending it all right in fromt of their offices but you know instead I called my mother and we prayed and the prayer really helped *tears* some hope there maybe an error in law that the Tribunal made when making their decision so watch this space.  If all else fails Jesus never fails!