21/02/2011

Dear Diary,

I have no idea where to begin except to say in my sons words this week "sucked!"  

The week started off brilliantly I met with my friend Leigh from the 411 in Cardiff he was telling me about the walk he is doing in support of CORE and the memory of his mother.

I got offered a fantastic job with the CEO of the Black International Film Festival and MVSA.

Made arrangements with Blaqbone Media regarding the MOBO'S coming to Wales.

Then boom! Crash! Bang! I received my Statement of Reasons from the Tribunal hearing for my Disability Living Allowance after their decision to support the decsion makers termination of my award following their EMP and Doctors assessments.  The Doctors basically screwed me over because if people are aware of Fibromyalgia there are no physical medical tests that can be carried out to determined one suffers with this condition.  You need to have x-rays, blood tests, etc.  However the tribunal ignored this and went with their verdicts rather than my G.P'S letters, Physiotherapists Reports, Occupational Therapists, Social Workers Care Plans, and Psychologist letters. 

As I read through the Dept of Working Pensions Doctors report I was heart broken, the last report was so full of c**p he reckoned I could walk 200m alone, without pain, stumbling, or repurcussions.  This is craaaaazy.  He said many untruths and I cannot do anything to prove this because the person who was with me was my Mother and they will just think she is saying things to back me up.

I felt so low again that I hit bottom rock, if I didn't know what fibromyalgia was I would have believed what these Doctors were saying.  They actually made me look like I was to use their words "exaggerating" my illness.  This makes me laugh in sarcasim because it took so long to get a diagnosis before which I was imagining my pain, now I have been finally diagnosed I am "exagerating" my pain.

You know they have noo idea of the effect they have on peoples lives, people who genuinely are disabled, people who genuinely have a illness which means, they cannot be hugged without it hurting, they cannot have a relationship intimately because of fear of pain, they cannot wear thier heels because of pain, they cannot go to hte gym, they cannot have their nails done because of the pain. I am crying while I write this but it is true, I cannot have a full-time job because of fatigue and pain.  I have to take soo much medication I cannot drive, and when I do drive I have pain.  My home looks like a freak shop because of all the adjustmenst that have had to be made.  Why?  Why would I want this life?  I was a cute, nice figured, well dressed girl people would look twice when I passed now *tears* they look and feel sorry for me because I look pathetic having to push a zimmerframe at 32 years old!  This is not the life I want and I will get back on my feet!  This is just my testing.

I am so glad today I was feeling like ending it all right in fromt of their offices but you know instead I called my mother and we prayed and the prayer really helped *tears* some hope there maybe an error in law that the Tribunal made when making their decision so watch this space.  If all else fails Jesus never fails!

15/02/11

Dear Diary,

The Red Ball and Red Party was amazing we raised £401.00 at the last count so I am very pleased.

I am proud of my community and people who turned up to support my grandfathers foundation on the night.

I was so glad to see my family turn out.  I had an unexpectingly nice time with my Dad and his wife at the end of the evening too it was so relaxed!

However people, people, people are so not easy for me to deal with, I do not know where to begin.

I feel battered and bruised, I really do not feel I am best equipt when liaising with people as I have a tolerance level of three strikes and out.  I find people demanding.  They are takers, without giving back much.

I have been trying so hard, grieving over my gramps, struggling with my disability, the way in which it slows me down, causes me pain and frustration, and so when I see some people, how they are able bodied and so self absorbed it gets me real frustrated.  Sometimes they just act like it is all about them spitting their dummy out of a pram saying "me, me, me its all about me!"

One of my colleagues said they can tell a few of the people are not here to support the actual cause but for their ten minutes of fame during the event.  That saddens me, a. because I do not want people to have that perception of the people surrounding me (show me your company and all of that) b. because when you give it is not to receive you are just blessed for the fact you gave c. the objective of the foundation is to support people who are less fortunate to achieve their goals by learning about people who are even more less fortunate then them, teaching them the values of health and strength. 

Leading up to the ball I had so many things to do and felt unsupported by the people I most needed support from and supported by the people I least expected to receive support from.  People who really suprised me were one of my fashion designers showcasing her fashions Genaya Parris, my P.A Sarah, my Administrator Soffie, my Events Co-ordinator Lloyd and my Mums husband Barnes.  Everyone did their bit it could not have been a success without ALL of the people who rallied around me.

But for every Ying there is a Yang, I was let down by a couple of people who I have known of since childhood, by certain family members, and by people who I have been nothing but kind, giving and generous to.

I made some lasting friendships out of this however and I have gained valuable experience and knowledge.

On to the next one Comic Relief LEEEGO!

Oops nearly forgot to thank God for keeping me, for blessing me and causing his face to shine upon me, gonna make more time for him today I am not perfect you know just trying and if I am going to be around the public they will keep a close eye on me, they will expect me to conduct myself in a certain way, and they will talk about me if I do not step up my game.

07/02/2011

Dear Diary,

I was feeling a little low this weak fed up of being incapable physically, I feel like it slows me down, fed up of medications, fed up of the pain, and memory issues.  God gave me a dream, my Bishop had his arms open telling me to "be encouraged things are going to get better" I was honoured I knew it was God encouraging me. 

I had to go to a meeting with the team supporting www.theredballandredparty.com, however the manager of the premises was out of town and his assistant had to open up an hour later than planned. I remember feeling frustrated because I knew persons would be waiting outside of the premises in this cold windy weather, my mothers husband was on his way to collect me as I am unable to drive at this moment, in prayer I was inspired to remain calm, getting emotional will not change the facts, no one is there to open the premises, and they will be an hour late, thankfully the Creative Designer Genaya called me when I told her my predicament and suggested tell everybody to wait in McDonalds further up the street. 

I finally arrive to beautiful faces of relief, as I apologise for my lateness a lady from the U.S starts asking if we are from Cardiff, I am so naughty I put on an accent and say no we are from the U.S (lol) then I ask her "sorry, can I help, are you lost?" as she has a paper in her hand, which looks like a map.  

She proceeds to ask me a question "please don't think me rude, but may I ask if you have been in a car accident?" So I start thinking to myself , she may be an insurance claims officer for people who have had car accidents and is about to tell me about her no win no fee claims applications.  

I reply "yes" she then says "I hope you don't think this strange but God told me that today I was going to meet someone in a red hat who was in a car accident and I must pray for them!"  

Now because I am promoting my www.theredballandredparty.com event, I am constantly in red from head to toe.  She then proceeded to show me this papaer in her hand that I had assumed was a map previously, stating the following "God had told her that by a red flag, near a pizza shop, she would see a lady in a red hat, who had been involved in a car accident"  I looked at the paper and it was written down, she then asked "may I pray for you?"  I was in shock, total shock I had no idea what to say or think, I started to fill up with tears, one of my team says let her pray for you, and her Mum with her agrees; "Go on let her pray for you!" One of our designers Managers tells me "let her pray for you" I thought I need to get my team out of the cold and if this lady can come with me to McDonalds sure, as I want to talk with her some more and have her pray with me, but I can feel my legs seizing up in the cold.  

We make our way to McDonalds and it is packed, people are behaving inappropriately, I proceed to sit down to meet the rest of the team, and wait for this lady, but she is kept there talking to the Manager of one of our designers, she comes over giving me her number on a piece of paper, including an email address and says, "I can see you are busy right now so we will arrange to meet again" I later find out from the Manager of one of www.theredballandredparty.com designers that she allowed her to pray for her, she was pouring her heart out crying to her, this woman is an Evangelist from the Florida who is visiting the U.K, she has been preaching and performing miracles in their church The City Temple, I was kinda heated then because, I needed the time with this Evangelist and here is this Manager telling me she got MY prayers (lol) but she seized the moment.

So in church yesterday, the word is being brought to us by Overseer Dexter Edmund who has come over from the U.S, he tells us that this year 2011 theme is "A time to Conquer" we must know all of us have our purpose, we should not pay attention to what people think or are saying focus on our visions "Seize the moment" I was up of my chair at that moment like (poof!) praising God and waving my hands (lol) I must have looked crazy, but I didn't care I knew why I was so happy, my vision is my Gramps foundation to better the lives of people who are less fortunate in society.  I was the first to get to the altar and ask for prayer, but I really wanted to ask Overseer Edmund to pray for me, however I looked at one of the mothers of the church who was looking at me strangely, and I became afraid to ask, that moment although I had heard the words "seize the moment" although I had heard Overseer Edmunds words regarding Peter the disciple seizing the moment he says in Matthew 14; "Peter seized the moment, out of all the disciples he could say I walked on water, I may have sank, but I walked on water, through his faith, none of the other disciples did this".  He also preached that in Luke 13 a blind man cried to Jesus to heal me, that was it I knew that moment that I am going to get better, things are going to get better a change is happening for me

My prayer this week is not to be discouraged to reach my goals because of people or fellow brethren in church, who are people they are all servants of God, lower than the heavens, irrespective of their titles in church, irrespective of their jobs in society, no one is better than anyone here! 

I am reminded of the scripture where Martha had been running around to make preperations for a dinner where Jesus would be present, but all Mary did was buy expensive perfume and bathe his feet John 12:3. There are those who are interested in taking care of the physical needs of the Elders in church, constantly keeping watch over how close people get to the Elders in the church because they are human, and need to rest, and those who are interested in taking care of the spiritual needs, both are valuable needs and can work hand in hand not against one another. 

We each have our use and purpose. 

I pray God teach me from this lesson between Mary and Martha, I am not loved more than the drug addict on the streets, than the murderer in prison, than the prostitute selling her body and than the alcoholic homeless man living on the streets. God is no respector of persons heaven will not have different sections for Bishops, Doctors, Politicians the ONLY hierarchy is GOD himself.

I then went to my Uncle's house for dinner he was quick to let me know what the streets are gossiping of with regard to the members in church, how he doesn't need to go to church, he doesn't want to hear what people have to say.  Well to be honest neither do I, I go to church to hear from God, to have a positive outlook on life, to be around like minded people, in Corinthians 11 Paul states "Follow me as I follow Christ.." in other words if you see me faulter not following Christ don't stop following the ultimate leader after all no one is perfect, we are human, no one in church professes to be perfect, sure you have many characters, and there may be times people being human will say or do things that are discouraging whether they be in church, or not! However, the bible says in Hebrews 11:25 Choosing rather to suffer the afflictions with the people of God than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season.  It is my goal to make heaven sin will not be my key to heavens pearly gates because Romans 6:23 states "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord"

I have been through hell on earth, beaten down till my body can no longer function so like my Overseer Dexter Edmund says "heaven has to be better than this".

In a nut shell, I have been through so much negative things through people in church and out of church, but the worst I have to worry about in church is peoples looks and mouths, I have to worry for my personal safety when not in church, my life, I have experienced being held hostage at gunpoint in my home, being beaten up till my foot was dislocated in three places and broken, I have been spat at, sworn at, had a knife held to my throat.  So if you ask me church is a bed of roses in comparison.  To you Uncle I say Matthew 7 not everyone who says Lord Lord will make it but being in the right place at the right time helps, and church is the right place for me, that's my choice.

Spending time with my Uncle was nice it is strange how much of him reminds me of my Gramps, when Gramps was alive I never noticed how much all my Aunties and Uncles are like my Grandad, the things they say, do the facial expressions.  I felt close to Grandad at that moment.  His wife is an excellent cook OMG she is a chef and OMG I had a 3 course meal lol I felt like a Princess, I was vexed when my Mum came for me to take me home I wanted seconds.

I am thankful for the help of my family and friends truly I am blessed but most of all i am thankful to be in Gods favour, if God is for me then no one can be against me.

02/02/2011

Dear Diary,

God is so good, had a hard day yesterday thankful to my Mum, CJ and Dalisha who helped to push me around in my wheelchair as I had to make requests to local businesses for their support with gifts in kind to contribute for www.theredballandredparty.com.

For the first time since it has been built I got to see the new shopping centre.  It is awesome and I caught up with my old Judo instructor too who is a security guard he has not aged at all!  

To end the evening off my Mum treated CJ and I we went to see "The Mechanic" starring Jason Statham he is a handsome manly man.

Thankful to God for his encouragement this morning on UCB Daily Reading, http://www.ucb.co.uk/word_for_today, talking about God's promises to us, this was my medicine, a promise I'm tired of being let down in life people saying they will be there for you and they are not, granted everyone has responsibilities, but it gets so hard at times to hear the negative no's as a friend of mine calls it.

So for the first time in a long time I had to use a bus, we very nearly missed it my son is soo strong he raced me from the top of Wood street to the gate of the Millenium Stadium.

The bus driver looked a little peeved but he was not rude, he lowered the bus, pulled the ramp down, we got on the bus I tried not to look at the people on the bus so that I would not panick, however then we were on the wrong side of the bus; when you are in a wheelchair you should automatically go the right of the bus.  Well... silly me was on the left, so the driver told me I'd have to move to the other side, but there was a gentleman standing on the right of the bus, he had his headphones on listening to music, so the driver said to him.."Oi mate you need to move to the other side!" so he looked at the driver in an off key manner, the driver then raised his voice in a more commanding manner repeating "You need to move to the other side of the bus, so we can get the wheelchair in there!" so this guy says to the driver "But she is over there?" to which the driver replies to the gentleman "Yes but that side is for pushchairs so you need to move to the other side of the bus!"

I started to feel so embarassed, the bus is packed with people, I have already been a bother because of the time it took to get me on the bus, I just wanted to curl up into a ball.  We finally switch sides, and I just keep my head down, place my parker hood over my head and try to hide till it's time to get off the bus.

When we reached home I was in alot of pain from sitting in the one position for so long, my chair has no cushions or suspension, so I feel the pain of every bump.

When I think my life is hard, I look at what's happening in Egypt and am reminded to be grateful for small pleasures, my life could be worse, I have a warm home, clothes on my back, food on the table, a beautiful son, caring mother and family.  I must just remember not to be anxious, fearful or get panicky to just stay focused everything will be ok, its in my masters hand.