20/06/2012

Dear Diary,

These past couple of weeks have been awful, I've been bedridden for about 6 days, and in recovery from the pain, and the cruel side effects of morphine and cocaine based medications have taken their toll on me.  They make you feel so groggy, I have been thinking more and more about people who are addicts to certain drugs and all I can say is, "the drugs don't work they just make you worse" and they're disgusting! I hate how they make you feel, and how they change your functionability.  

It's in times like these I find myself feeling so grateful for the support of my son, I am truly blessed, I pray God continue to watch over him.  I felt so bad for him because of all the times for me to be extremely ill, it was during his GCSE examinations, when he needed me the most, however I tried so hard to pull the last bits of energy and strength I had and press through the pain, having a child is often the best way to get over ones self.  

Although I felt like I was dying literally because of how much pain I was in, my back, my kneck, my hip, my hands even my gums, I managed with the support of carers to still make it into the Radio Cardiff studios 2 weeks ago, although I needed quite a bit of assistance and had to use the dreaded old lady helper my zimmer frame, which is just yucky I hate it!  It's so ugly.  I don't think i would hate it so much if it I was pimped out or blinged up, but it's just an awful shade of grey.  However I must have looked awful because even my manager Tubbs, and Marketing Manager Loretta noticed that I was not myself.  

I've had a lot of time to think, whilst in bed staring at the bedroom ceiling on my worst days, and realised there's little I can do to change my situation, however from watching reality TV and looking at the houses, cars and clothes people have it is a motivator to try and strive for better, even when I feel like I've lost a fibromyalgia war today, I can't give up, I try tomorrow, I'm hoping to build a foundation for my son so that he will not have to struggle later on in life, but build on the structures set by me, my mother and my grand father.

So, I've been handling my business so to speak.  I've felt quite challenged in a situation at work, this issue may be in my mind, or it actually may be existent, either way, I was completely out of my comfort zone. There are times when I may seem annoying because of the passion I have inside me and the need to forge ahead with projects; however I appreciate I'm not an island and need the support of others for things to work, especially because I feel at a disadvantage having a limiting medical condition and disabling diagnosis.  I cannot always control my frustrations of wanting to get things done quickly because I don't have time on my side, I never know how long I actually have before I will be completely incapacitated again because of the excruciating pain I have to live with.  However, when one requires the assistance of others there are times when you have to be still.

That being said I'm proud of how I allowed Jesus to take the wheel, I prayed about this particular situation, and thought the best thing to do was face it head on, and do you know what? I think things may actually be stabilising!  Humiliation needs to be my addiction and I pray I marry and lay down with patience day in day out. 

Changes are taking place in my life, I feel like things may slowly but surely be getting better.  I'm adjusting to my new care agency, the change of routine has not been as bad as I thought it would be, the staff are all lovely, glory be to God, I'm grateful for their support.  Just having their help every day twice a day is motivation in itself, I can't get lost in my own thoughts and, I got to keep the progress train moving. 

I'm not going to lie, I've had to kick myself up the buttocks to get past my worst moments in a day.  That has been the hardest especially when the PTSD blues kick in.  I find when you hold on to the negative words people have said to you, like people who actually mean something to you in your life, people who you thought of as a friend, at times they were more than a friend they were like family; then there are the people who you respect professionally, who turn around and disappoint you with their self absorbed behaviour.  Then you begin to question if maybe you're actually the one who has PTSD or if all the people around you who are causing you distress have mental issues themselves as their behaviour is quite unsound.  Then I found this poster online: 

and do you know after reading this I realised I've had all but one of them said to me. When these words have been uttered to me I've felt like someone was being patronising, insensitive, discriminative, emotionally abusive and just down right mean.  I became enraged because when people have said these things to me I began to second guess myself, and find it difficult to move on mentally.

But then I found solus, here's the good news I read UCB Media's "Word For Today", how Jesus made himself the servant, he washed his disciples feet, he was born in a stable with animals, can you imagine the smell?  Yet he always remained humble.  I do believe the latter gets to me because of pride, I know how hard I try to keep up and be a normal part of society so to speak and yet people are saying such insensitive things to me?  Well who am I?  What makes me so special that life should not be tough for me? This is my cross and I must bare it.  I need to man up!

I began soul searching, I've been hurt a lot in life, and maybe I have hurt a lot of people unintentionally? But he who feels it knows it.  I especially feel the hurt more now I think, because I literally feel at a disadvantage, I do not feel like an equal to other people when I'm around them, especially those who have no disabilities.  So there are times when I am in excrutiating pain and I put a brave smiling face on, try to make jokes as seeing other people laugh and happy eases the sadness I feel about my situation.  Momentarily I'm taken away from what is going on with my body, and the thoughts in my head are silenced, all I can see is the beauty of a smile, and the music of laughter.  Then I return home, where I am forced to face my reality, which is exhaustion, pain, and  a set of stairs to climb up that often feel like Mount Everest.

However I sat down and thought of all the positive things people are saying, how I'm a lovely person, how I make them laugh, how glad they are that we met, some have even told me I inspire them, but the reality is I can't take credit for the good I'm able to produce, because it is a mothers prayers, a fathers love, and a son's care that keep me going; and although I often feel sorry for myself because of the Fibromyalgia trap I am in, I know deep down inside I am blessed.  Do you know what? That felt good, I smiled, I'll say it again I AM BLESSED.  

There is the key to reversing the sting of PTSD, I need to exercise a opposite action, every time a negative thought comes into my mind, I need to search my memory vault for a positive thought and combat the PTSD blues with that.  In time this should help to heal my mind.

Although I complain, and often feel miserable, the fact remains life moves forward with each day, I'm not getting any younger.  You know I was talking with my mother the other day, she truly is an angel in my life I am so sure, she said something to me that I don't think I will ever forget, she said to me "Annika, let go of the past and let the rest of your years be the best of your years!"