07/06/2012

Me after the carers helped me to face the day ahaead :)

Dear Diary,

I was feeling rather anxious yesterday, I had a bit of a panic attack about leaving the house but I'm grateful to my carers for their support and encouragement, which help me to get through.  

It's not been such a bad day today, I woke up with the same aches and pains, numbness in my hands and feet, and feeling like I'd had no sleep.  But I didn't have nightmares.  However things have been bothering me, I just wish I had a magic wand to fix my state of mind when living with PTSD you often worry about things, I'm a perfectionist and hate it when things are not going right, for instance I like to have all the tins in my cupboard with the labels facing me like when you're in the supermarkets, however having carers means that never happens it irritates me.  I also like to wash my hands after using the bathroom, but won't touch the handle of the taps, or door handles after doing so! 

When it comes to my work I want to be able to do my best or not do it at all.

But one thing my mother says I need to understand is I can't make people like me, and I if someone has a certain opinion of you the more you try to change it, the more they are convinced of the same, it's best to leave things to God trying to fix things myself can make things worse.

But when you have PTSD letting go of anxious thoughts about peoples perceptions is not as easy as it sounds, negative thoughts constantly plague your mind, you often wonder what they meant by something they said and what are they going to do or say to you next, you also worry about the conversations behind closed doors and often feel as if they are out to sabotage you.

This anxiety leads to fear, which then leads to panic, panic then inhibits your ability to function, a non ability to function then leads to depression, and the depression then in turn leads to self-harm.

If you have both PTSD and Fibromyalgia this then has a knock on effect with the symptoms from fibromyalgia leading to global pain from stress, which then leads to a physical inability to function.  It's a vicious cycle which has a knock on effect to your well-being as you then need to increase pain relief which then involves being subjected to the negative side effects of analgesia medications the main one being fatigue.

This is why for me it is essential I see my G.P on a weekly basis to get things off my chest and learn how to cope independently as I can't be with my G.P, Consultants and other healthcare professionals 24/7.  However there is the joy of social networking where I am able to communicate with various other people about how I am feeling and it truly does help, because I feel they understand me, and are not alienated by me and my multiple short comings.

I also have gospel music and the UCB media word for today to keep me going, spiritual strength is so important for natural growth.