Kirk Franklin - Imagine Me (05/06/2012)

Dear Diary,

I had a lot of pain last night and am still feeling the ramification's today.  Through yesterday day and night I was quite distressed, because it seems my mothers brake pads had worn away on her car and were rubbing metal to metal, this brought back sad memories of my road traffic accidents and the loss of my friend who died following her car accident, anxiety did not stop for me through the night, I kept thinking about what may have happened to my Mum, what would I be without her? I had to have a small drink to calm me down which is not something that's the norm for me, in fact I had to find the last drop in the bottle of rum I use to bake cakes, but I'm not proud of this and don't recommend doing so.

I've had a lot of things on my mind lately, I'm not overly happy about my life, and even though things may be finally progressing for me medically; and financially I seem to be jumping a hurdle, I still find myself feeling anxious and worrying about the negative things in my life more than the positive things that are slowly progressing for me.

Today whilst with my carers I began to reminisce about how blessed I am and have been, how there are other people that are worse off than me, some people live with facial disfigurements, some people live without certain body parts and cope with their disabilities.  So why is it so difficult for me to get over my disabilities??? The truth is apparent to me having a mental disability like PTSD which has symptoms of depression and anxiety then partner it with Fibromyalgia which can cause one to "feel low or weepy" http://www.arthritisresearchuk.org/arthritis-information/conditions/fibromyalgia.aspx and top that off with the side effects of 14 various types of medication including, morphine and it's no wonder I feel so odd at the best of times.

So the question for me now is how am I going to get through this?  What is my master plan?  My plan is to focus, I need to remained focused on what my goals are in life and prepare a plan of action to get there.

Plan of Action

1. PTSD = I need to balance my spiritual beliefs with the "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" I am receiving, my past is what will aid my future I was grown up in a church with faith, and taught that "faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen" Hebrews 11

2. Fibromyalgia = I need to keep talking with people who live with this condition as it truly helps me to feel less alone, like I have friends who understand me, and most importantly I have friends I can open up to.  I need to make weekly visits to my GP, remain on top of health appointments like, physiotherapy, the pain management clinic, the podiatrist, psychiatrist for the PTSD clinic, my occupational therapist and social worker.

4. Personal Care = I need to find an advocate to liaise with my service providers to ensure the smooth running of my care package, as this helps to maintain my home surroundings, my food intake and my personal hygiene which really help me to feel whole.

4. Mother = I need to spend quality time with CJ doing the things that he likes more often than I do now.

5. Career = I'm able to do voluntary work and I'd like to pursue a home study course, I trained as a medical professional but following my accidents I've been a little lost.  However I have new found love for technology and may pursue a career in this field watch this space.

Future Hopes

To:

• Get treatment that can if not cure my Fibromyalgia improve it until i am totally independent.
• Have paid employment and be independent of the benefit system all together.
• Finally have a house that can feel like a home.

Above all things I need to remain close to God as having him in my life really counteracts any negativity I am going through, I recall when I was an in-patient, hearing songs like Kirk Franklin "Imagine Me" on a daily basis helped me to move forward and progress, my knight in shining armour was a good friend of mine Twanna, who gave me Kirk's CD it really did help, and I need to keep faithful words of God close to my heart.  Also reading and studying the 'UCB Media' word for today is literally a life saver and I recommend this to all believers and even non believers as there are times when we all feel isolated and alone, we often at these times find ourselves looking to the wrong people for advice, or vulnerable to negative attacks from people wishing to take advantage of our vulnerable states of mind, but be encouraged to know that no one in this whole wide world is invulnerable to feeling emotion and take solus in the following poster.