20/08/12

Dear Diary,

I've been going through a lot of changes lately, changes with my medications, changes with my finances, changes with my volunteer roles, changes with my living circumstances and changes as a parent.

Let's start with my concerns about my medical conditions, Fibromyalgia - I know the winter is fast approaching and anticipate being more housebound, this is concerning to me and I am doing my best to plan ahead.  I have a car but it's due for an MOT and the tax has to be renewed.  My back-up plan to that is my mobility scooter.  However, I'm concerned that I'll be so ill, I will not be able to function from the side effects of having to take morphine based pain meds.

My finances, I'm currently going through a tribunal with the DLA and am concerned following the 'Panorama' and 'Dispatches' expose of how the new government intitiative called "Working Capability Assesment" may effect the results.  It has been reported that there is a million pound contract between the company contracted to provide Doctor's who carry out these "Medical Assesments" and rigid guidelines have been set in place by them inhibiting the amount of people they qualify for DLA on a point scoring system.  I'm trying to keep an open mind but predict that even if my DLA is reinstated through the "Tribunal" I'll be sent to take another WCA and have to go through the whole draining and frankly incapacitating procedure again.

I had arranged to take a vacation with CJ, my Mum and I to Jamaica, the persons we booked through were bogus and we lost our money this was quite distressing, and because of my "Adjustment Reaction Disorder" it led me to be quite ill mentally. I let down the place where I volunteer I had arranged to get voice overs from Jamaica and left me looking like an idiot, and I lost the respect of my managers. I'm trying to keep an open mind about getting my monies back but the likelihood is slim.

Following this my son also volunteers with a friend of his who happens to be a young carer, they have been making such an effort to get things right over the past couple of months and have progressed, however due to 'office politics' which they are far too young to understand, they were really let down.  However I was encouraged by the UCB reading today. 

"Is your goal to restore prodigals, or do you have a hidden agenda to elevate yourself by condemning those around you?"  I believe there was a mole behind all of this who indirectly did all they could to sabotage a young persons dreams not mine, but a young persons, which is quite sad and cowardly, I wonder if they realise that children are not always going to be children and will grow up one day! I tried my hardest to explain myself to someone I considered to be a colleague and a friend who sadly got caught in the crossfire, but due to his various other commitments and work load, he just could not understand where I was coming from, I tried various different approaches, talking to him alone, sending emails, and confiding in him with my carers present, but even they observed that he just doesn't seem to understand where "you are coming from or what you're trying to say... you both have different opinions and just have to agree to disagree." However there are many other organisations my son can seek support from and many other people too so he will progress with God's help. I'm still finding it hard to cope at home, I'm desperate for adaptations, I'm also desperate for support with parenting, I'm missing the old me and CJ is too, but my medical consultants have advised my conditions are long term and will not improve but get worse. I feel like such a burden to CJ I've tried so hard to get things right for him but seem to fail each time, his future was so bright until he became a young carer and as much as it breaks my heart he may be better off elsewhere with someone who can give him what he needs? Thoughts of self harming came thick and fast all of last week and the week before, so I had to start smoking again.  I can't take certain medications when driving because my responses are not as quick, so I'll visit my G.P today and ask for advice. Needless to say this had an impact on my mobility, stress effects Fibromyalgia but stress isn't avoidable at all times, and the support I'm having through "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" is helpful. I will not give up where there is a will there is a way and I am a firm believer that when one door closes another door opens.