PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA HONORED - HILL HARPER, FANTASIA, JULIAN BOND

Dear Diary,

I remember as a young child my mother would tell me a bible story of how long it took to build a temple that David dreamed of but Solomon completed.  Thinking back to this story I look at how well I was doing over the last couple of weeks, and how easily my spirits were crushed, my boss  encouraged me in love and said that I "have to toughen up" and I so wish I could, but years of being broken down has taken a toll on me mentally.  Each time I go a step forward, I'm pulled back 10 steps.  At times I feel like a tortoise slowly moving, when danger comes, I retract into a shell and stay there for safety, then slowly come out and start moving again.

The encouragement I needed to come out of my shell came when I turned the T.V on, and saw my Mum on the local 6:00pm news, I was actually on the phone to her and we screamed together because of what a pleasant surprise it was.

Following this last night although going through the #PTSD blues again, where negative thoughts and memories encircle your mind, I took to Youtube and found the above footage of President Obama.  It uplifted me to see someone who had a dream, and carried it through.  However he was not an island he had to have the support of the public, friends, work collegues and business associates.  I remember reading his book during my 3 month stay in hospital, so I'm going to take time out to read "Dreams Of My Father" again, because my mother has a dream for me too, just as do I for my son CJ.

I've been talking a lot to my Mum about her heritage, and journey to Wales from #Jamaica.  What it was like for her coming to a place so far away. I wonder why even though she has lived here since she was 13, still refers to Jamaica as "back home".

She says: "it was hard for me coming to Wales, the weather was cold, people in school were not very nice, often mimicking my accent and these were people who were of mixed Black heritage themselves, I used to have to defend myself physically because before I was a christian fear was the only way you could gain respect, problems were resolved with street fights, and if you lost you let it go."

She would often find solus in cooking she worked in the first Caribbean cafe to my knowledge to open in Wales, owned by my Grandfather Lionel Nation.  Reminiscing my Mum recalls "he would have many Domino evenings there, but I would only work in the day and my brother Freddy would work in the night.  It was lonely for me I missed my Mum and other brothers and sisters, but I enjoyed studying in school and focused on that."

It was interesting for me to learn of how my Mum met my Dad, "there was a couple of us living by the embankment, your Dad used to talk to me but I didn't really fancy him, one day I was so ill I couldn't move, I'd caught flu, he looked after me made me soup and 33 years later here you are" she laughs.

I often admire my mother for her strength of character and all she has achieved, her going from Waitress to a qualified Computer Tutor with an honorable degree to show for her perseverance.  She was and is a fantastic mother. Something I questioned was why after she finished with my father she waited 9 years before another relationship, she says "I wanted to wait on the Lord, I didn't want to bring someone into the home who would not be a good father to you, I wanted the best for you"

I think my happiest memories will be standing at a bus stop in the freezing cold weather waiting for a bus to take us home, my mother would try to keep my skinny body warm in her long coat given to her by my Aunty who lived in Switzerland, she would sing Jamaican songs to me like "Carry me ackee go ah Linstead market... and Get jungle get jungle fresh..."  

I'm actually in tears thinking of about this, and although I was unable to function to make it into Radio Cardiff today because of how weepy and low in mood I feel another symptom of #Fibromyalgia and #PTSD, I'm playing my music, singing enjoying the company of my carer and doing little jobs from home.  My Physiotherapist says sometimes I just need to tick off little things that I do, like I was able to get up wash my face, and have breakfast today instead of laying in bed depressed.  

My Wednesday words of wisdom to encourage myself are "Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12  

To everything there is a season "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance," Ecc 3:4

"A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life. A gracious word may soothe the way, a joyous word may light the day. A timely word may lessen stress, a loving word may heal and bless" #UCB Media