06/08/2012

Dear Diary,

Words cannot describe how I'm feeling so much has been going on, that I could not even focus enough to enjoy the Jamaican Independence or Olympics like I would have wished.

Been feeling the #PTSD blues really badly lately and it's not helping having negative persons around me, so I seperated myself from someone who I have known for 8 years, I just could not tolerate the nonsense any longer. It hurt initially especially as this ex-friend has now made an ally of someone who I consider to be dishonest. However 'birds of a feather flock together' and there are qualities in this person which are admiral to the naked eye, so I understand the attraction.  

I've been quite concerned about how swollen my joints keep getting, not sure if this is a symptom of Fibromyalgia or the falls I have.  My right hand, right knee and left foot have been so swollen my skin feels tight.  I've also been struggling turning to the left.  However my mobility has been quite good over the last couple of days.  I've tried to keep moving irrespective of the pain, I also believe the change from not so cold to, not too hot weather has helped. I'm not looking forward to winter though. 

My emotions have been all over the place, not sure if it's due to my medications and their negative side effects, or the politics of having to work alongside people with different personalities.  Many times I still find myself longing to not leave the house, and stay away from the public, the fear of unfamiliar people and harm is constant and it raises it's ugly head often when triggered by malicious actions.  I've become weepy and had anxiety attacks.  An example would be what I have been through this weekend.

I volunteer in various community roles to encourage my son not to fall into a negative stereotype, to persevere for success, irrespective of your inabilities or colour of skin.  I believe that every time one door closes God will open another door.

I find it hard to cope with a huge circle of friends, trust is not easy to come by when you have been through various incidents of abuse.  So I can count my friends on one hand.

This weekend negative actions have stirred up negative reactions from me especially as I do not have the advantage that other people who are able have.  I've had to pull on so much encouragement from my carers, mother and son in order to not self-harm.  I did slip up, I'm not perfect, however the milestone I reached was, I didn't accept the negative words that were being spoken to me!  I also chose to withdraw myself from the situation that was the trigger, even when these people intentionally placed themselves into my working space to cause a negative situation, having full knowledge of my disabilities, and the affects their behaviour could have on my mental well-being.  Pleased to say, I handled myself with some dignity and remained calm, I tried to look at it like a comedy.  

The good news is, now looking back on the situation, I think I'm finding the old me again, one day at a time, but I think I may be on the road to recovery, in the sense of coping with traumatic situations.  I didn't hold my feelings in and let things fester and bottle up I released them and it helped.

I also drew on encouragement from the Olympics, facebook friends, UCB Media and quotes from posters.

Olympics: Watching Felix Sanchez win a Gold medal although I am Jamaican will stay in my memory forever, I was irratated by seeing him cry for so long because he had won, he had looked so manly when he raced to victory, and screamed with delight.  But it was my son who pointed out "Mum you don't know what he has been through, people could have told him he's too old..." I thought he's right we just know what we see, him at the starting line, running, and winning the race; we don't see the mental endurance it takes to come thorugh irrespective of peoples negativity, the discipline and focus, the time away from family and friends, the loss before the win. 

UCB Media: "Be an example in conduct... 

govern my life and thoughts as though the world were to see one and read the other..." Quotes: "What ever you do may seem insignificant, but it is most important that you do it" Ghandi Mum:  "no one is perfect and people with good intentions are also prone to make mistakes they're human after all. 'Must Jesus bare the cross alone and all the world go free? There's a cross for everyone and there's a cross for me'  CJ: "Maybe it's time to move on" Carers: "Try not to get stressed, it's not good for your health" Friend: "Maybe it would be good for you to break away" The word:   'Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? There is more hope of a fool than of him' (Proverbs 29:20) These precepts were ingrained in me when growing up with my mother and due to various accidents I forget them, I cannot afford to lose them for a second, as it lets down all her hard work.  When discussing the Jamaica 50th independence with her we came to the conclusion that it's a strength of character that is the common denominator in Jamaicans that will never pass or go away. So  I hope these words will continue to remain in my heart and encourage me through my darkest times, as I believe the less stressed I am, the more able I am to function.