20/11/2011

Dear Diary,

Today I should be flying with my mother and son, on my way to the beautiful Island of Jamica.  Unfortunately I was so illl that I could not even move and things just got worse.

My mother had put so much heart and soul into presenting CJ and I with a fantastic christmas present of going to Jamaica for two weeks.  However the last two weeks my health started to deteriorate, I;m not sure whether it was the increased stress from inconsistent care, feeling unsupported by health professionals, financial worries, feeling like a burden to my family, or the change in weather all a combination of everything?  

I feel guilty of how she must be feeling going to Jamaica alone right now, without CJ and I.  She could have taken her husband, but instead she chose to give such a beautiful gift to me, and again this curse of living with Fibromyalgia and PTSD has managed to effect my family.  

As I had cancelled my care my son also had to stay with me.  Things got worse after I had to go and have my jabs to go on holiday, there are significant side effects, joint stiffness, kneck pain etc.  To have these on top of the added pain I already go through was just too much and it was exhausting I just cried and cried.  I was not even able to get up the stairs to go to bed or even be touched to change my clothes for bed.  I slept on my small 2 seater sofa where I have been sleeping for the last week as the bed I have feels too hard and hurts me to sleep on.  Crazy how I have loved my bed all these years but now it causes me pain to sleep on it.

Trying to explain to my parents how ill I was feeling was quite difficult, "...of course I want to go to Jamaica...how will I cope in this much pain doing the journey to Gatwick, then being on a plane then travelling from the Jamaican airport to our destination and being in pain recovering from the travelling..." on top of the pain I am feeling now I just could not cope with more pain not knowing when the pain will end.

Now I have ruined things for everyone, and just want to shut myself off from the world for a while!