28/11/2011

Dear Diary,

I have not written here for a long while because I have been afraid to!

One of the care agencies I was assigned to reported me using social networking sites and threatened me with legal action.  But now I just don't believe it's a good thing for me to be quiet and keep taking all that I have to deal with in silence.

The systems that are in place, educational institutions, certain healthcare government agencies feel like they are in place to just tick the boxes, dot their i's and cross their t's.

For example care plans that are put in place for clients how well or often are they adhered to?

Do people really know if Care Agencies really care of if it is about the money at all times?

I am grateful for the little help I receive which is better than nothing at all, but what compromises do I have to make to receive this help, how much do I have to suffer in silence, how much do I have to take?

People in authority positions of power, people with money they get away with what they want I have witnessed this with my own eyes.  There is no justice for people like me, like my son, nobody cares, nobody is interested, a friend told me "...stop fighting everyone...choose your battles..."  So now I'm done fighting!

I'm getting my son out of this country before his education gets ruined, he has been so disappointed in the systems they have slowly taken pieces of his spirit.  Watching me with my disability is frustrating for him.  Truly he has lost his sympathy at times, and just mocks me for crying, by saying "stop being a baby" but if only he knew the burdens I bare truly, trying to go to college in pain, trying to do buses in pain, trying to walk up and down hills with my sides and hip feeling like I have a open wound someone is shoving their fist in.  Being in college in all that pain and being judges by Tutors who have no clue of what I am feeling the frustration of not being normal, being afraid, standing out like a sore thumb because of how I look.  I tick every equal opportunity box, female, black, disabled.  Struggling financially to catch taxi's home, worrying I may be late for carers.

then there is the memories of accidents gone by being afraid whilst in carers cars while they drive being behind lorries and feeling fear, remembering when I look out of my window I was assaulted there and no one did anything to stop it.  Living with painful childhood memories, I know other peoples lives have been worse but I feel like the cards life has dealt me have been so unfair.

Then I see the light, I see the blessings God has bestowed upon me, my writing, my Radio volunteering job, my beautiful son, my lovely mother, my home, my dogs and life is not so hard to deal with after all, I have to live to fight another day and try to get over my self pity!