20/04/12

Dear Diary,

I had my first PTSD session yesterday, it was not easy opening up to a stranger and I knew I'd struggle with this so I was glad to have a carer with me.

I had to talk about my childhood, my family unit and incidents that had caused an impact on me mentally and physically.  This would have been difficult had I not had sessions with my O.T in CBT.

The saddest part for me was being told that I would have to wait another year before my next appointment because of the NHS waiting list, after opening up "Pandora's Box" that was it.  I asked if there were any support groups or something that could help me in the meantime, and he knew of only one called "Woman In Mind" 

But I tackled a huge milestone if someone had said to me 4 years ago that, I would be out of my home, in an office, getting therapy, talking to a male doctor, opening up and not afraid, I would never have believed it!


Also the Psychiatrist believes that if I can learn to cope with the PTSD, it will have a positive effect on my pain management and other symptoms of Fibromyalgia, I needed to hear some good news and that was like someone had given me a 100 thousand pounds! :)

God is good I finally see his beauty in me, and his grace through other people!

"Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking, when there are clouds in the sky you'll get by if you just smile"

14/04/12

Dear Diary,

Things have been extremely stressful these last couple of weeks, I feel quite angered by being disabled now, it's really taking a toll on me emotionally.  It's an extremely unforgiving society and working in media can be quite gruelling for people who do not live with a disability let alone for me.

I never chose to be involved in media it sort of fell into place.  I worked as a nurse caring for people who needed and wanted my help, it was such a rewarding job because I could give my all and it never mattered to me about what anyone else said or did, once I was in that environment with a caring mindset, working closed off from the cares of the world which are so minor when you see someone near the end of life, or living with dementia, my life had so much meaning I understood where I was going, who I was and where I wanted to be in the future.

I had one issue and one issue only I was struggling with depression.  The depression came from hard childhood memories that I could not escape unless I was working.

I was independent, driving, studying, working, a mother and in my opinion a real woman, I could be proud to look at myself in the mirror.

In a moment my whole world turned around, I'm no longer independent - I'm dependent, I'm no longer the nurse - I'm now the patient, I'm no longer studying - medical students study me, I'm no longer working - I'm a volunteer, I'm no longer looking after my son as I did - he looks after me.

So much loss!  

When you lose a person you grieve and get over things eventually because life goes on.  But when you lose your life, in the sense of what defines you as a person, who you are, and everyday something else slips away from you regaining your independence physically and mentally you are forever in a state of grief, a piece of you is constantly dying until you begin to feel like I can't do this anymore I just want it to end, and if it can't end you have shameful thoughts of ending it yourself.


Saturday Night


After a long day of mixed emotions and tears I sat down with my son, who said to me "Mum imagine I'm not your son for a minute, I'm gonna write a list of all the things you do, and we're going to figure out all the things you need to do...being a Mum is the most important one on the list nothing else really matters!" We then watched "Wall-E" a story of a robot who had overwhelming emotions of love towards another robot, this made it do stupid things but it's passion was to love.  We then watched "The Voice UK" and Will.i.am had to make tough decisions when the other judges seemingly in their facial expressions thought him foolish.  Jessie J was so angry at one point that she said "I can't even speak right now" following Will.i.am being the last judge to have the pick from singing contestants.  They kept telling him to "push the button, push the button!" but he could not be swayed, even I was screaming at my bedroom TV!  He ignored them and followed his heart or "gut which is my Mom" he said, waiting for the best, and do you know what?  The best came! Jazz blew us all away with his rendition of "Ordinary People" I was in tears, it trended on twitter for so long and was the best TV I've watched in along time. 


Then there was "Britain's Got Talent" and a dancing pair, one disabled in a wheelchair doing what she loved to do and you could see the sheer happiness in her face.


Why am I telling you all of this?  Well I had to make a tough decision today to follow my heart (gut) and not my head, there are things I want to do in life, there are things I want to be a part of but my reality is, I'm a mother, I live with a disability that is so uncontrollable, and although I'd like to give my all to good causes sometimes I may not be the best person for that cause but someone else is!  Alot of people really don't understand me, but one thing is for sure I have to follow my heart and the hardest thing to do is LOVE when you are faced by a lot of hate.


My father used to tell me that people view kindness as a weakness, but I think being selfish is actually a sign of weakness and fear.  A wise person once told me "it's so easy to hate when you are hated but to Love when you're hated that's true strength!".


I know what I am capable of and not capable of, and I know what to accept that comes from people's lips and what not to accept.  I can't change who I am, but I can change the way I feel about situations and how I cope with them. 


Whatsoever is good, pure and honest I will dwell on these things, otherwise I'll let go of what is not good for me to hold on to!


I'm the proud mother of a beautiful 14 year old son, my disability does not define me or make me what I am.  I will learn to focus on the good days and let go of the bad days.  I will be a strong, independent woman once again and embrace those who help me to maintain my strengths and let go of my weaknesses. I will love people who hate me from a distance, I will let go of all painful past memories so that I can move forward to make beautiful memories for my future, God willing.


Midnight


I found it hard to sleep so much is going through my mind, things that I can't explain in detail, every dog will have their day, but my mother phrases it even better for me "everything that is done in secret must be openly revealed."


I watched "Game On" a portrayal of the life of Sarah Pailin during her election and she reminded me of a woman I know, who is ambitious, smart, kind, but has an unlikable factor to her persona.  I then had an urge to read http://www.ucb.co.uk/index.cfm?itemid=88&testdate=15%20Apr%202012 and http://www.ucb.co.uk/index.cfm?itemid=88&testdate=16%20Apr%202012 it helped to ease my fears.  It's okay to have a goal of just wanting to help someone for the sake of helping them, if the Good Samaritan had stopped to think before helping the injured man on the road what would have happened?


I know there is a meaning to all that has happened to me today.  I just need to assess things and figure it out, or maybe I don't maybe I just need to leave yesterday alone and concentrate on tomorrow.


Either way I can find solus in my bible for tonight.


Good night

12/03/12

Dear Diary,

It has been a tough weekend for me, I was bedridden most of Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  The frustration set in on Sunday as I was supposed to interview Romeo and Lisa Maffia from So Solid Crew on the Friday, then visit Roath Lock on the weekend of their tours open to lucky ticket winners.  But I was not physically strong enough, and could not cope with the pain I was in.  This morning my son had to help me to get out of bed, I was seized up and could not pry my legs apart from the foetal position I had slept in all night, my legs ache terribly this morning and my son had to support me to walk to the bathroom, as my left leg was numb, I could feel pins and needles in the foot but nothing in the leg itself it kept giving out on me.

Times like this are quite frustrating.  I don't know what brought this on as the weather was hot this weekend. I do know I am worse for wear the week before menstruation, the week during and a couple of days after so it may be this.

My memory has also not been it's best I was convinced my carers had misplaced my brush for the dustpan, and it was so weird because I was reminded that I had broken it previously, this morning. 

I don't really have much planned for this week other than getting my home in order.  Sorting paperwork and tidying up as when I am ill there is a build up of housework to do.

So thankful for the support of my Mum and son, my Mum bought us Chinese on Saturday and had it delivered and CJ put up with my mood swings did the bins this morning and walked the puppies over the weekend. 

My frustrations are that I want to be well and have some more knowledge as to how I can control my Fibromyalgia instead of feeling like it controls me.


Afternoon Feelings


Dear Diary,


Following the reading from the UCB Word For Today, my mother's inspirational words, I had a rest and made an application to college.  I cannot feel defeated, I must keep kicking, keep trying! So I wrote a personal statement and can only hope for the best.



"As a child I was always good at two things the Arts and caring for people.  I could never have enough Crayola sets, and I would love spending time with the elderly.


Once I became a mother and I experienced complications during my pregnancy, I had a desire to learn more about Health Care Sciences and pursue a career in Medicine.


However following a road traffic accident I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and PTSD.  I spent 9 weeks in hospital learning how to do simple things like walking, opening a door, dressing and transferring from one place to another.  I found that Art aided my recovery as I was able to express my inner emotions through drawings and poetry. I also had to battle Agoraphobia following my discharge.  I had a fear of how people would perceive me now that I was disabled.  I remembered how my Father had told me his friends taught him to swim one summer.  He said they had visited "Empire Pool" and threw him into the deep end.


If I was to overcome my fears I had to do the same so to speak. So I began volunteering in radio where I would have to constantly be around people, and be in the public, media eye where often perception is everything, how you look, what you wear, what you achieve.  The media is often unsympathetic and unforgiving when it comes to people's misfortunes and there is nothing one can do but ignore certain emotions and press on with the task at hand.


Having experienced press conferences, celebrity interviews and becoming a published journalist, I would now like to re-train academically and believe the best starting point for me would be to access the Diploma in Foundation Studies Art & Design course.


I have a portfolio containing photographs, ceramics, life-drawings and fashion design.  I have a new found love through embracing my love of Art.  Within the portfolio there are also pictures I have kept from my GCSE Art days in school.  I enjoy being creative, I have a passion for fashion, and I am happiest when working with clay or at a sewing machine.  I would also love to learn more about Adobe design options, I have seen some amazing techniques achieved through this computer software and although I am an old school artist with a love for the renaissance Art period and Bauhaus creativity, I like to move with the times, combining Art from my African-Caribbean heritage and westernised art movements.


I look forward to being creative and exploring my capabilities, having the freedom to use my knowledge of colour, light, art techniques, fashion, photography imaging and being able to apply these in an academic setting.


I am excited for what the future will hold on this course, should I be one of the privileged and pass the various processes securing my place as an Art student.
I believe this will open many doors for me given my experience in managing projects, workloads and prioritising my time to meet deadlines."

09/03/12

Dear Diary,


I woke up this morning with back pain, throbbing thighs and hands probably from walking with my zimmerframe yesterday I had to get an outfit for an assigned interview today.


Yesterday was a hectic day, it came to my attention that my brothers and sisters in Africa are going through so much pain.  According to a campaign charity called Invisible Children there is a war criminal called Joseph Kony who abducts children from their parents turning them into sex slaves and rebel fighters with no cause, just self gain!  He has been at large for 26 years with little being done to stop him.  But God heard their cries just like in Egypt when God heard the cries of the Israelites in captivity.  He sent a kind hearted man Jacob Russell who has been campaigning for the past 9 years to STOP KONY! 


I was amazed at how a man who has not one drop of Ugandan blood in him wanted to rescue these children because what is happening to them is wrong.  He put a documentary out there putting his own life open for critique by people who may not see what he is trying to achieve.  Many received his message positively few had negative things to say.


But I say he is right, children need to feel safe and happy having the rights and freedom to learn and be educated.  To have a child exploited mindlessly with no purpose but for self gain and power is disgusting.


I approached many of my contacts to support a steering group to aid in efforts to raise funds and awareness for this worthy cause, many accepted being on board however I was disheartened when I turned to law enforcement agencies and heard their immediate fears for the disruption this could cause to our civilisation.  Although I understood where they were coming from as I too do not want disruption and am all for peace, for God's sake this man needs to be stopped, he is abusing children sexually, emotionally and physically and it would NOT be tolerated in the UK so why should it be tolerated anywhere else especially when we in the UK are aware of it?  Just because something does not effect us immediately or is not a personal threat we should just turn a blind eye, I am reminded of a story called the Good Samaritan from Sunday school, where people who we expected to help turned their backs and walked away, but someone who was considered to be of a different tribe, unclean, a gentile, stopped and helped because it was the right thing to do.  This is what Jacob Russell is to me A GOOD SAMARITAN and God bless him for being so.


In my UCB reading for today it talked about how in Matthew Jesus was healing many with critique and plots against him from the pharisees. I just want to share with you that try to support those who are doing the right thing and not be a stumbling block in their paths to what is right, give them advice of how to do things in the right order if you have the experience and don't pull them down and most of all keep encouraging them as they will become discouraged along the way.






http://www.ucb.co.uk/word_for_today

07/03/12

Dear Diary,

It has been a rough week for me so far, I was so broken in spirit last week, I just felt like giving up! But God was not ready for that, there is so much good I have to offer in life, so many positive changes that I beleive will contribute to great accomplishments and changes for my loved ones around me, but there are times when I feel so weak, so exhausted, my disability is the huge thorn in my side that holds me back having Fibromyalgia is mentally and physically taking it's toll on me, and it is effecting my family too. My son grows weary of having to care for me, my Mum is working so hard I fear for her health, my Father is grieving the loss of his brother to Cancer and has no time to listen to me belly aching about my condition, because after all, I'm not dying. But at times that's how it feels, I feel like I cannot take any more, like I wish God would just take me away in my sleep because I am a shell of a woman, at times I cannot bare the pain in my body, then I cannot stand to see my walking aids, my wheelchair, my leg braces and all the medications.

I feel it when I look in the mirror and cannot do anything to change my health complications, it is all out of my control. Then today I read this http://www.ucb.co.uk/word_for_today it was so encouraging to know some of the greatest if not all prophets in the bible had a fight on their hands, but they never gave up on life. Job lost his whole family, all turned against him friends, and even his very own wife, but he never never turned his back on God, he had true faith.

That is what I lack true faith to believe in someone I cannot physically see, to believe that when I pray someone is listening, after all if i pick up a phone to call someone, I hear them answer me with a salutation, a word of encouragement and they make me feel at ease. That's it right there, those comforting words are from God, speaking through a loved one to encourage me to go on, the beautiful things in my life, my son, my mother, my father voice, they ALL come from God, I am blessed among many.

So from now on even if I am not convinced when I look in the mirror, I MUST say I AM BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE! There are people who are doing worse than me, I can go to a tap and get running water without having to walk miles for it, I can feel warm by the roof over my head, I have a bed to rest in and lay my head, I am not dying, God is blessing me every day, I can look out of my bedroom window when I am feeling low, and see the sky, I am not blind, I can wake up in the morning and hear the birds sing, I am not deaf, I can talk for myself even when I feel exhausted from explaining myself to carer's, social workers, disability living allowance decision makers and any other people I feel are ignorant to my needs, I have the gift of speech where others are not so fortunate.

So the kick up the butt that I need is STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF ANNIKA and give thanks for waht you have, and stop looking at what you don't have, your God is capable of taking care of all your needs according to his riches in GLORY!

Kim Burrell Sings For Whitney Houston (Funeral) A Change is Going To Com...

Dear Diary,


Yesterday was a real tough day for me, depression weighed me down, I felt like giving up, throwing in the towel, if it wasn't for a mother's love, the love my mother has for me, the love i have for my son, I know today would not have seen me.


Reaching out to ask for help when your feeling like you can't take anymore of what life is throwing at you can be ever so embarassing.  Allowing people to hear your deepest darkest thoughts of despair by opening up your bleeding heart for all to hear it beat as you feel your life is draining away can be so so so tough.  But although I am feeling so low I want to encourage you to hang on a change will come.  You are loved, you are valued, focus on your loved ones and not the negatives in your life, focus on what you can contribute to life, how you can help others if you can't help yourself.


So many people are dying, my Uncle has been given a few short weeks to live he is dying of Cancer, what he would exchange to be blessed as I am to wake up and know I may see tomorrow, I'm sure if he could take me in his arms and shake me he would tell me you must not give up life is so precious.


I know my change will come I just have to hold out a little while longer, see my son grow into a loving husband, father and successful business man aiming to make heaven his home.  I pray God continue to watch over him and heal my broken heart and mind because I am blessed every day that I'm living I am blessed.

21/02/12

Dear Diary,

Having quite a stressful start to my week.  My previous mobility social worker has had to leave due to unforseen circumstances, and it would seem that Pharoah has hardened his heart like when Moses was in 

Egypt appealing for the Israelites to be freed from bondage.  My Pharoah in my life is the new management that has been put in place.  There are so many restrictions set by the government due to lack of funding that it has led to me the client suffering.  

Everybody involved in my care should be aware of how unnecessary stress has an impact on my Fibromyalgia symptoms, and yet it seems this is disregarded.  

I do appreciate there are people worse of than me having priority needs. I am grateful for any support I have, but what is not appreciated is changes in my normal routine because of ignorance to knowledge that has been received by social services from medical professionals.  Supporting letters with regard to the effects of PTSD, Depression and Fibromyalgia have been written over and over again and sent to them, but still it seems like this is disregarded.  People are just human, but when you take on a job role you have studied to do at degree level, and been trained in, the norm should be to execute that job role to the best of your ability and in line with government standards.  If not step aside for someone else to do your job role who can carry out these duties with better people skills.  

It would help if social workers were to accompany care support workers and see the difficulties they face on a day to day basis, then report this back to their managers, who in turn should be thinking first for the health and safety of a client and fighting for their needs to be taken care of.

However I get the feeling that with the recession, lack of funding and constant increase in work loads everybody is getting it from all angles and this is affecting their job performance.  I just wonder if things will get better or worse, or worse before they get better.  Even so I feel like I'm going around in circles and it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to hold on.

My son is feeling the impact of the lack of support now so something has to definitely be done.

In the words of a Whitney Houston song who sadly passed away Lord "I look to you...and when all my strength is gone...I look to you" help.