07/03/12

Dear Diary,

It has been a rough week for me so far, I was so broken in spirit last week, I just felt like giving up! But God was not ready for that, there is so much good I have to offer in life, so many positive changes that I beleive will contribute to great accomplishments and changes for my loved ones around me, but there are times when I feel so weak, so exhausted, my disability is the huge thorn in my side that holds me back having Fibromyalgia is mentally and physically taking it's toll on me, and it is effecting my family too. My son grows weary of having to care for me, my Mum is working so hard I fear for her health, my Father is grieving the loss of his brother to Cancer and has no time to listen to me belly aching about my condition, because after all, I'm not dying. But at times that's how it feels, I feel like I cannot take any more, like I wish God would just take me away in my sleep because I am a shell of a woman, at times I cannot bare the pain in my body, then I cannot stand to see my walking aids, my wheelchair, my leg braces and all the medications.

I feel it when I look in the mirror and cannot do anything to change my health complications, it is all out of my control. Then today I read this http://www.ucb.co.uk/word_for_today it was so encouraging to know some of the greatest if not all prophets in the bible had a fight on their hands, but they never gave up on life. Job lost his whole family, all turned against him friends, and even his very own wife, but he never never turned his back on God, he had true faith.

That is what I lack true faith to believe in someone I cannot physically see, to believe that when I pray someone is listening, after all if i pick up a phone to call someone, I hear them answer me with a salutation, a word of encouragement and they make me feel at ease. That's it right there, those comforting words are from God, speaking through a loved one to encourage me to go on, the beautiful things in my life, my son, my mother, my father voice, they ALL come from God, I am blessed among many.

So from now on even if I am not convinced when I look in the mirror, I MUST say I AM BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE! There are people who are doing worse than me, I can go to a tap and get running water without having to walk miles for it, I can feel warm by the roof over my head, I have a bed to rest in and lay my head, I am not dying, God is blessing me every day, I can look out of my bedroom window when I am feeling low, and see the sky, I am not blind, I can wake up in the morning and hear the birds sing, I am not deaf, I can talk for myself even when I feel exhausted from explaining myself to carer's, social workers, disability living allowance decision makers and any other people I feel are ignorant to my needs, I have the gift of speech where others are not so fortunate.

So the kick up the butt that I need is STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF ANNIKA and give thanks for waht you have, and stop looking at what you don't have, your God is capable of taking care of all your needs according to his riches in GLORY!