21/05/2012

Dear Diary,

Words can't describe how I'm feeling today. 

The last two weeks have been quite chaotic, I've had to change care agencies, support family with my role in the planning of my Nanny Reid's funeral, and manage my health and roles in the community.

On the advice of my physiotherapist, I paced myself and tried not to overdo things as I'm no good to anyone in hospital.  This really worked I felt able to push through the pain, and rest when possible.

 

I had to focus on three things my role as a mother, work in Radio Cardiff and  drawing up a funeral program.  Everything else dramas, emotions of others I just let go over my head.

I have happily found that when I keep moving through the pain fibromyalgia symptoms cause it actually helps, I used to be frightened to move because of the fear of pain, there were also times I was just too exhausted, but the stiffer I was the more pain I felt.  I've also found that laughter and being around the positive influence of my family was just what the Doctor ordered, I love my Aunties and Uncles to bits they amaze me, and I'm so proud of my cousins too, they're all beautiful.  I couldn't believe how grown up my baby brother and sister are time truly flies, they're adorable.  I just wanted to kiss my brother on his chubby cheeks all the time but I held back as he is a boy and I don't want him to get a complex, but I was able to give a lot of love and kisses to my baby sister who is a cutey pops, OMG she has me weak in the knee caps, and if I'm not being biased is too cute to be true!

It was a wonderful send off we had the "Nine Nights" celebrations we cooked curry goat, fried fish, stew chicken, rice & peas it was yummy.  Our church came around and had a prayer meeting, at my Nanny and Gramps home we talked remembering the good times we shared with the both of them.

Getting through the funeral was not easy but easier than my Gramps as I knew what to expect, however I was unable to get through singing "Amazing Grace" and broke down in front of everyone on the second verse (embarrassing) but everyone was so understanding.  When I went to church on the Sunday I sang the 2nd verse to the Lord and felt completion.

Afterwards we had the wake it was really sweet to see all the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th generations supporting their elders, while they were seated they would go back and forth in the queue and serve them before they got their own plates of food.  My poor cousin who was helping me to get my plate of food back to the table and lost his place in the queue, so I tried to help by explaining what he had done and why he needed to jump back at the front of the queue again, he was like "no-one is gonna believe this, and I'm so tall, I can't even hide..." LOL, so I tried to help by explaining and all my cousins were in uproar comedically, they were having none of it LOL! They said "ah lie yuh ah tell" whilst staring him out bless!  I felt like a Princess when I got carried up and down the stairs by my other cousins, the time with them was so warming and I was proud to know this is the legacy my Grand-parents have left behind.

The day was not without little hiccups but all in all I think we did Nanny Reid proud, and I think Gramps would have been glad with the send off we gave him and Nan.

What was quite unusual to me is how one by one on the Sunday 2 days after the funeral, family members without knowing what the others were doing, all turned up to see Nan's resting place beside Gramps, none of us had planned this, so great minds think alike.

My son was amazingly patient through all of this and I truly thank God for him.  Teaching him the old traditional ways of Jamaicans was a task, as there are times he asked me questions I did not have the answer to, like why children should be seen and not heard when adults are conversing, but he got it in the end, and was quite respectful, he did me proud.

The repercussions on my health are not as bad as I thought it might be because of all the stress, the soles of my feet feel like I'm walking on hot coal and my hands feel like someone has nailed nails into them.  Taking the advice of medical professionals no matter how absurd it may seem really worked for me, and although I felt selfish for taking time out, i know my capabilities and less is sometimes more.

All in all I will never ever forget the efforts of my grandparents who broke down boundaries to get where we the next generation are today.  I just hope I make them proud and do the family name justice.