Kim Burrell Sings For Whitney Houston (Funeral) A Change is Going To Com...

Dear Diary,


Yesterday was a real tough day for me, depression weighed me down, I felt like giving up, throwing in the towel, if it wasn't for a mother's love, the love my mother has for me, the love i have for my son, I know today would not have seen me.


Reaching out to ask for help when your feeling like you can't take anymore of what life is throwing at you can be ever so embarassing.  Allowing people to hear your deepest darkest thoughts of despair by opening up your bleeding heart for all to hear it beat as you feel your life is draining away can be so so so tough.  But although I am feeling so low I want to encourage you to hang on a change will come.  You are loved, you are valued, focus on your loved ones and not the negatives in your life, focus on what you can contribute to life, how you can help others if you can't help yourself.


So many people are dying, my Uncle has been given a few short weeks to live he is dying of Cancer, what he would exchange to be blessed as I am to wake up and know I may see tomorrow, I'm sure if he could take me in his arms and shake me he would tell me you must not give up life is so precious.


I know my change will come I just have to hold out a little while longer, see my son grow into a loving husband, father and successful business man aiming to make heaven his home.  I pray God continue to watch over him and heal my broken heart and mind because I am blessed every day that I'm living I am blessed.

21/02/12

Dear Diary,

Having quite a stressful start to my week.  My previous mobility social worker has had to leave due to unforseen circumstances, and it would seem that Pharoah has hardened his heart like when Moses was in 

Egypt appealing for the Israelites to be freed from bondage.  My Pharoah in my life is the new management that has been put in place.  There are so many restrictions set by the government due to lack of funding that it has led to me the client suffering.  

Everybody involved in my care should be aware of how unnecessary stress has an impact on my Fibromyalgia symptoms, and yet it seems this is disregarded.  

I do appreciate there are people worse of than me having priority needs. I am grateful for any support I have, but what is not appreciated is changes in my normal routine because of ignorance to knowledge that has been received by social services from medical professionals.  Supporting letters with regard to the effects of PTSD, Depression and Fibromyalgia have been written over and over again and sent to them, but still it seems like this is disregarded.  People are just human, but when you take on a job role you have studied to do at degree level, and been trained in, the norm should be to execute that job role to the best of your ability and in line with government standards.  If not step aside for someone else to do your job role who can carry out these duties with better people skills.  

It would help if social workers were to accompany care support workers and see the difficulties they face on a day to day basis, then report this back to their managers, who in turn should be thinking first for the health and safety of a client and fighting for their needs to be taken care of.

However I get the feeling that with the recession, lack of funding and constant increase in work loads everybody is getting it from all angles and this is affecting their job performance.  I just wonder if things will get better or worse, or worse before they get better.  Even so I feel like I'm going around in circles and it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to hold on.

My son is feeling the impact of the lack of support now so something has to definitely be done.

In the words of a Whitney Houston song who sadly passed away Lord "I look to you...and when all my strength is gone...I look to you" help.

Diary of a Black Woman Living with Fibromyalgia TV

20/11/2011

Dear Diary,

Today I should be flying with my mother and son, on my way to the beautiful Island of Jamica.  Unfortunately I was so illl that I could not even move and things just got worse.

My mother had put so much heart and soul into presenting CJ and I with a fantastic christmas present of going to Jamaica for two weeks.  However the last two weeks my health started to deteriorate, I;m not sure whether it was the increased stress from inconsistent care, feeling unsupported by health professionals, financial worries, feeling like a burden to my family, or the change in weather all a combination of everything?  

I feel guilty of how she must be feeling going to Jamaica alone right now, without CJ and I.  She could have taken her husband, but instead she chose to give such a beautiful gift to me, and again this curse of living with Fibromyalgia and PTSD has managed to effect my family.  

As I had cancelled my care my son also had to stay with me.  Things got worse after I had to go and have my jabs to go on holiday, there are significant side effects, joint stiffness, kneck pain etc.  To have these on top of the added pain I already go through was just too much and it was exhausting I just cried and cried.  I was not even able to get up the stairs to go to bed or even be touched to change my clothes for bed.  I slept on my small 2 seater sofa where I have been sleeping for the last week as the bed I have feels too hard and hurts me to sleep on.  Crazy how I have loved my bed all these years but now it causes me pain to sleep on it.

Trying to explain to my parents how ill I was feeling was quite difficult, "...of course I want to go to Jamaica...how will I cope in this much pain doing the journey to Gatwick, then being on a plane then travelling from the Jamaican airport to our destination and being in pain recovering from the travelling..." on top of the pain I am feeling now I just could not cope with more pain not knowing when the pain will end.

Now I have ruined things for everyone, and just want to shut myself off from the world for a while!

28/11/2011

Dear Diary,

I have not written here for a long while because I have been afraid to!

One of the care agencies I was assigned to reported me using social networking sites and threatened me with legal action.  But now I just don't believe it's a good thing for me to be quiet and keep taking all that I have to deal with in silence.

The systems that are in place, educational institutions, certain healthcare government agencies feel like they are in place to just tick the boxes, dot their i's and cross their t's.

For example care plans that are put in place for clients how well or often are they adhered to?

Do people really know if Care Agencies really care of if it is about the money at all times?

I am grateful for the little help I receive which is better than nothing at all, but what compromises do I have to make to receive this help, how much do I have to suffer in silence, how much do I have to take?

People in authority positions of power, people with money they get away with what they want I have witnessed this with my own eyes.  There is no justice for people like me, like my son, nobody cares, nobody is interested, a friend told me "...stop fighting everyone...choose your battles..."  So now I'm done fighting!

I'm getting my son out of this country before his education gets ruined, he has been so disappointed in the systems they have slowly taken pieces of his spirit.  Watching me with my disability is frustrating for him.  Truly he has lost his sympathy at times, and just mocks me for crying, by saying "stop being a baby" but if only he knew the burdens I bare truly, trying to go to college in pain, trying to do buses in pain, trying to walk up and down hills with my sides and hip feeling like I have a open wound someone is shoving their fist in.  Being in college in all that pain and being judges by Tutors who have no clue of what I am feeling the frustration of not being normal, being afraid, standing out like a sore thumb because of how I look.  I tick every equal opportunity box, female, black, disabled.  Struggling financially to catch taxi's home, worrying I may be late for carers.

then there is the memories of accidents gone by being afraid whilst in carers cars while they drive being behind lorries and feeling fear, remembering when I look out of my window I was assaulted there and no one did anything to stop it.  Living with painful childhood memories, I know other peoples lives have been worse but I feel like the cards life has dealt me have been so unfair.

Then I see the light, I see the blessings God has bestowed upon me, my writing, my Radio volunteering job, my beautiful son, my lovely mother, my home, my dogs and life is not so hard to deal with after all, I have to live to fight another day and try to get over my self pity!

Diary of a Black Woman Living with Fibromyalgia 50

7th September 2011

Dear Diary,

Things have been crazy since I last wrote you many months ago, many care agencies have been involved with my care things have been quite difficult and stressful.  My health has not been at its best lately I've been experiencing good days but as usual I'm so glad for the good days that I over do it and end up suffering for the next couple of weeks.

Got a letter from my Consultant Rheumatologist today to read him stating "that I will suffer from fibromyalgia ...long-term" was disheartening.  I'm going to try and get better, sometimes professionals can be wrong.

However having this letter will help my case with the Disability Living Allowance Tribunal.

I had a fantastic time in London for the Carnival Celebrations and I was so happy to be surrounded by so many people from my culture it is nice not to be the minority.

I'm trying to keep it together mentally and focus on a more positive future with me being well, and achieving the goals I have set for myself, but I can only do this with God's help.

I'm starting to re-build my relationship with my family who I have been estranged from, so I noticed a change in my health when I did this as it was causing me much distress.  It is so important to forgive even if you can't forget.

Yesterday I was quite saddened as I noticed 3 more spots on my scalp where I'm experiencing minor hair loss, and I have a lump in my throat too so I'm going to make an appointment with the GP to get that checked out!

I got alot of pain in my kneck and back at the moment so  I'm gonna finish resting up. 23:34pm