06/05/2013

Dear Diary,

This weekend has been a really rough ride. Fibromyalgia won this round.  

I took tramadol, morphine sulphate and could still feel the pain, then had to take tramadol slow release and use ibuprofen gel and Nigerian Rubb. Guess what? Still the pain could be felt like a numb toothache.  I felt like I was in labour with no baby to show at the end of the pain.  But tapping myself on the back because I didn't cry, I just spoke positively to myself and did some breathing exercises and slept right through Sunday.

My champs medal

So thankful for my sons support he went food shopping, made me breakfast and dinner.  My Mum stopped by after church which I didn't even recall because I was dosed up to the eyeballs she had a plate of Chicken, Rice & Peas, she said she spke with me but all I did was mumble.  My carers came too, which I didn't recall till I saw one of them today, she said I was out of it.

On the Sunday CJ had a martial arts tournament in Swansea, his first one I wanted to be there so much but was too ill too travel.  Needless to say I was and am so proud of him, he's my piece of heaven, he makes me laugh when I want to cry and he is determine to try.  When one door closes God opens another one and although so many sad things have happened over these past few weeks/months for him, but he never gives up.  He got a bronze medal.

I actually hope that one day if he ever reads these diary entries he'll know just how proud of him I am, and how much I love him.

Still feeling the burn today but I hope I'm through the worst of it as I have a sweet 16 birthday to plan in only 10 days my little big man will be 16.  Where have all the years gone?  I remember talking to him in my belly, giving birth, his first steps, his first words, his first smile, his first day at school, and his first fall, when he needed me.  Now as the years go on I feel like I need him more and more, I look forward to the day I will not be a burden to him and he either goes to college or university and can lead a life as a young man instead of a young carer.  But until then I'm grateful, eternally grateful for every little thing he does to help and support me. :)

03/05/2013

Dear Diary,

Things have gotten worse again, I wish I had good news to report my life just seems to be a tale of misery with little happy moments.

The Dinner.

I couldn't just let things go I hadn't eaten all day and so didn't take any medications.  I saw one of the young ladies and tried to find a way to resolve things which just caused another plane to crash and burn.

She was in tears and my son refused to apologies, the gist of things being, they've been working together on a project for 2 years, no major issues until a 3rd party came into the mix you know when they say "two's company, three's a crowd" well boy if ever this was a case of that.

Every time I would see this young lady she'd ignore me, to my knowledge I was unsure of what I had done, so I first said "Hello ignorant [name of person]" to which she responded "excuse me?" and continued walking.  I waited until an adult was near by and asked "I know you have issues with CJ but what have I done?" she responded "CJ told me you posted a comment about "Mean Girls" (the movie that is) "yes because I thought you girls were acting mean, I said look can we just apologise and move on can we go outside and talk because this is awkward" I made sure another adult was there I didn't want to be accused of anything, the girl began to cry and called her Mum I could see she was upset.  The adult involved then said "I can't make her apologise" at that point I thought, I'm not asking you to do that nor am I thinking that, I'd like my son and I to make amends so that we can all sit down and have a meal.  I just can't eat when upset, with my IBS it comes either up or put the other end.

When CJ saw she didn't wish to come out he just point blank refused to apologise, I said "CJ as your mother I'm asking you to do something 'blessed are the peacemakers' please or I cannot be fake and stay here." He said "Mum I'm sorry, I just can't right now".  So as far as I was concerned I was not going to condone any ill behaviour on my son's part and left, in a dinner dress and an empty stomach.

Caught a taxi to the young ladies parents house to explain what had happened.  Then went home.

When I got home I just cried, why am I such an abnormal person, why do things effect me so emotionally, why can't I just ignore and move on with my life?

I finally cried myself to sleep.

When CJ came home he said "Mum I'm sorry, I didn't listen to you.."as he stood there with a bunch of white roses "I've taken their BS for so long everything is always an issue with them if I don't communicate there's a problem, when I do there's a problem, they've said things about you, horrible things, I kept my cool and tried to remain professional, but I had enough". I couldn't be too mad at him but I did tell him "thank you but you're grounded for not listening to me, I'm your mother and whether you agree with me or not if I tell you to do something you must do it" I made him handwash his socks the next day.

Needless to say things have become like WW3, and I have no way of fixing anything.  All week my body has been seized up in the morning, the stress is taking a toll on me. I'm still losing my hair, and it feels like the drugs don't work they just make me worse.

*Sighs* then comes the mail in the post you never want incapacity benefit is changing to ESA, I have to have a new WCA.  Then the next hit my housing benefit is not being paid in full as I have an extra room in my home, regardless of the fact I have carers who have to stay over and help me when I'm at my worst.

So it seems like my good intentions to support my son in promoting awareness of young carer roles has really bitten me right on the a** he has left one of the shows, another show has been cancelled and I have no idea how to pursue producing something with him for 'Carers Week'.

But you know what I realised this is the time for me to just trust in God.  When there seems like there is no way he provides a way.

I don't hate the people involved who've contributed to this mess I actually forgive them, because they have their reasons are human and have feelings too. I just hope that one day they realise it was never meant for the glorification of my son but to support and highlight what young people who care for their loved ones and take on the role of an adult in the home go through.

Whatever happens that was achieved with the piece in a national magazine and on the news channels internationally that will never be forgotten and we were able to raise money for two good causes also.

Flowers CJ got me :)

So although I feel depressed I'm at peace knowing no more bad fruit can spoil the good fruit in my fruit bowl and certain persons are not in mine and my sons life anymore.

With God in the vessel I can smile at the storm.  I just have to realise I'm not the captain of this ship, I can'y control everything.

24/04/2013

Dear Diary,

When you receive a blessing you know there's always going to be a testing afterwards.  

Following my sons award he had a trial having to deal with hatred from someone he would have least expected it from.  But with "God in the vessel we can smile at the storms".

Needless to say this had an effect on my I was extremely depressed and wondered to myself why is it when you do good for people they turn around and be so spiteful and turn into a enemy, but it was quite obvious to me that these young ladies were never friends of my son's to begin with they were 'frenemies'.

Nothing he ever did was good enough for them, if he was getting advertisement for the show on a national scale that was an issue, if he was trying to organise a surprise interview with a celebrity that was an issue, if he was trying to organise a training session for something he didn't feel confident in that was an isssue.

Then they took it a step further to accuse him of 'picking on disabled people' when he gave a compliment on how intelligent people with Autism are in comparison to the average person.  I think they need to take a look at this link:  http://autismmythbusters.com/general-public/famous-autistic-people/

But moving on that made me so ill, I was waking up in sweats, having nightmares and panick attacks about him being safe in the same environment as them because when girls tell lies on boys unfortunately it can be quite dangerous because the boy is seen as guilty until proven innocent.

Glory be to God he has made a way so that my son has to have no contact with these young ladies anymore, and can carry on with his endevours to raise awareness of young carer roles.

Bringing me to today, I'm so low in positive thinking after this happened my belief in human beings being good people went right down hill, the old man of me just wanting to stay at home and shut the outside world out not leaving my home came back, it's so easy to want to fall back into agoraphobia and self pity.  But I felt the strength to fight reciting an old sunday school scripture "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God, Blessed are the pure in heart..." I silently prayed for God to help me and he answered my prayers.

I'm so low on finances it's unbelievable, I have no internet connection, outgoing calls, or TV channels, I had to prioritise food this week.  My son is eating much and growing fast, so fast that he has grown out of his black tie suite jacket and is due to go to an awards ceremony where he will be presenting the cheque to his chosen charity. I prayed and God found a way someone gave me the exact amount of money I needed for the jacket not even knowing my need.

Thank you Daddy Jesus

So even though I feel pain, have days when I'm so depressed I can't get out of the house and all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and cry, I know my redeemer lives.

20/04/2013

Dear Diary,

I had a lot of back and leg pain yesterday, but CJ helped by putting some ointment on called "Rubb" I was then feeling quite low in spirit last night and this morning.

I woke up listened to some gospel music, and asked God to give me a scripture to uplift me for the situation I'm going through at the moment.

It's hard for me to be civil when people are selfish to children, it especially effects me when it's my child they be selfish to.  Yesterday a situation happened that was quite unkind, I'm unsure of the motives behind it, whether I'm reading too much into it or not but you know when you just have a gut feeling.

But God is so continually good to me and my family he opened another door and CJ got an opportunity to meet up with Akai, who was in Cardiff for the debut of his new film "All Stars".

CJ, Akai, Theo and Schwarz

Remember I told you when one door closes another door opens.  We met him last year through my previous employer and friend Dean who is the Director of a music awards ceremony in Birmingham.

As I had not treated myself to a birthday celebration in a long time, I paid for 10 tickets which cost nearly £500.  I wanted to do two things support my friends business, promote the radio station and have a lovely evening, as I'm getting too old for clubbing and it's never really been my thing I'm more of an arts/performing arts person myself. 

The actually people I chose to bring with me were people I admired.  I'm not the best judge of character it would seem, as out of nine of those people I'm only now close to five.  What pains me more as I'm quite a sensitive gal is that, two of those persons are being quite sneaky in their ways and seemingly trying to kill my sons spirit.  I could be wrong as when one has Fibromyalgia are emotions are all over the place, and paranoia can set in. So rather than as I would usually do think negatively, I did as David said in Psalms "Looked to the hills from whence cometh my help, my help cometh from the Lord who created heaven and earth".

I prayed and asked God for an encouraging word and randomly opened my bible to Proverbs 1 and the verse that stayed in my heart was:

"Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.

    Let those with understanding receive guidance

⁶ 

by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables,

    the words of the wise and their riddles.

Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge,

    but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

My child, if sinners entice you,

    turn your back on them!

don’t go along with them!

    Stay far away from their paths.

If a bird sees a trap being set,

    it knows to stay away.

But these people set an ambush for themselves;

    they are trying to get themselves killed.

¹⁹ 

Such is the fate of all who are greedy for money;

    it robs them of life."

I found this encouraging to know that I was not being paranoid people know my character and know how to push my buttons and so for me, the right thing to do is leave it in the master's hand who knows how to still troubled waters.  However God in turn warned me as he loves me so does he love my enemies equally as we are all God's children.  I then had this scripture Proverbs 24  which read: 

"Don’t rejoice when your enemies fall;

    don’t be happy when they stumble.

For the Lord will be displeased with you

    and will turn his anger away from them. 

Don’t fret because of evildoers;don’t envy the wicked.

For evil people have no future;

the light of the wicked will be snuffed out."

God has and is doing so many marvelous things in mine and my son's life I can't afford to doubt his power and abilities my weeping endured for a night but joy came in the morning.  We have had many hard times and there will be more to come which I pray God prepare me for, however when God is ready to bless me and my family the whole world sees it and it's not because of my self promotion it's because all praise all glory for what me and my family receive belongs to God and I thank you Jesus for being there for me when no one else is, when others turn their backs on me and my family.  In times of loneliness at night when I feel like crying in my pillow I feel your warmth and comfort. Even if I feel alone I was raised by a woman of God who has taught me that "you promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone" 

18/04/2013

Dear Diary,

What a difference, I feel like my life has taken a 360.

Pressure became unbearable for me in my voluntary job at the station, not the pressure of the work load, but the pressure of back biting and slander.

The final straw being issues with me taken out on my son.  So before it could get worse I resigned and opted to work solely for my son who appreciates the work I do.  He said "Mum don't worry just work with me, you're good at social networking and you teach me a lot..." He's so encouraging, I feel ashamed to be such a burden to him, but my burden I feel was eased when he received his "Rotary International Britain and Ireland Award".

He was nominated in February and after we discussed it chose to also suggest we nominate his co-host Becki.  To my utter surprise they won out of 75 regions across the UK and Ireland not one but two awards alongside their "Cardiff & Vale Young Carers Interact Club".

I was invited to attend the awards ceremony, but fear overtook me, what if I embarrassed him I thought.  What if I am too ill after the 6 hour journey.  Then him. my mother and father convinced me it would be wrong of me not to go.

Then I was concerned about who would take care of my buppies?  Thankfully my neighbour came to my rescue. there were no excuses left for me not to attend.

I was so anxious the night before that I did not sleep all night, I know when I'm nervous I talk a lot, or become loud.  I was worried about driving in a vehicle and concerned about the fact I may have another road traffic accident.  Still it wasn't about me it was and is about celebrating my son and his co-hosts achievements in trying to raise awareness of young carer issues.

The 6 hour journey did however take a toll on my body.  I was sure to take my medications which caused me to sleep all the way there, so that when the service stiop came I was still fast asleep.  When we finally arrived in North Yorkshire my lower body has seized up and could not manoeuvre out of the car, thankfully

my son, Becki's Dad and the 'Holiday Inn' came to my rescue.  

I was lifted out of the car into a wheel chair at which point it became overwhelming and I cried, I didn't want this to happen to be a burden to anyone, I was ashamed of my position and felt even more silly bursting into tears.  But as usual CJ knew the right thing to say to bring my crying to tears of joy.  He reminded me why he likes to take things slowly and why it's not good to rush; "you see Mum, this is why I take things as slow as a tortoise because you get no where trying to rush..." I could not stop laughing.

The 'Holiday Inn' was quite accommodating  they provided a raised toilet seat, bath slab and bath mat.  The room was comfortable we had heating and they also gave me extra quilts, so that I did not get cold.  The colder it is the more difficult I find it to move around, my body tenses and my muscles contract more and I experience a lot more painful spasms.

Harrogate is such a lovley place, the people are friendly, more friendly than even Cardiff I found.  It was an experience of a lifetime to be around so many positive people in one place at one time.

Becki and CJ with their RIBI YCA

To sit in the crowd watching my son on the stage receiving his awards was a surreal experience, I felt like I was in a dream, with all he has been through to hear his words of encouragement to other young carers made me feel honoured to be his mother.  I am extremely blessed and I know it's because of my mother and church prayers that are keeping us to this day.

Then this morning my scripture reading was from Acts 3 which spoke of "the stone the buliders rejected became the head corner stone" for every person who has oppressed CJ and made him feel like he didn't belong, it was for such a time as this, so that he could be an ambassoder for young carers so as he said "they don't feel isolated or alone".

I just hope I can make him as proud as he makes me by God's grace and keep being a good influence on and in his life.

To watch the young carers show channel/ youth beats road trip click this URL: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apCgewu1Na8

To watch the video of why he received the award click this URL: 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22091432

To watch the video of him accepting his awards click this URL and forward it to 10 mins: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01s23d2/Rotary_Young_Citizen_Awards_2013/

23/01/2013

Dear Diary,

Where do I begin?  *Sighs* I feel like I'm losing myself, I feel like I just give up, no one understands, I'm so lost and can't pick myself up.  God is so good to me and my boy, so many doors he opens up, but I let negativity inside my life it builds up and takes me over and BOOM! Before I know it I self destruct.

I feel like there is no one, NO ONE I can turn to for help and advice, I have many many things going on in my mind, it's like trafalgar square, trying to do so much, and then falling flat on my face.

Childhood is where I believe it started, I had that missing link a father, no sibblings around me just a loving mother, who was sweet kind and gentle and to this day still is.

But somehow, it was not enough, I missed my father.

Then school, not the best years of my life, bullying, name calling, isolation and loneliness.  So I realised being smart was not the answer for me, but rather to fit in, I had to make others laugh as I felt awkward like a joke anyway. So if I made people laugh at me it was better than being laughed at.  That would then cause me to get in with a different crowd who also felt like they didn't fit in, and they had a different culture to my christian penticostal home values, there comfort came inside a rolled up rizzla, music from the underground and a bottle of 'Thunderbirds'.

Then an intervention my father came to take me out of danger, not knowing it was too late, pier pressure had caused me to do all types of things for want, need of fitting in and finding a sense of belonging.

The things I esperienced from living rough, staying at friends houses and some frenemy houses could not be forgotten or forgiven, innocence had been foolishly given to the wolves, wolves in sheeps clothing.

By the time I would arrive in London, the anger that I thought would leave with a change of enviroment, a different city, would only be carried with me, masked by the delight of the bright lights of London.

London, a Welsh girl in London, to suddenly have people interested in me because of a different accent, I could be anyone I wanted to be no one would know me like the people who I left behind in Wales.

I was popular thought of as pretty, no name calling.  I'd have my 1st job a job that brought in £258.00 every two weeks.

But then I met a different crowd, an older crowd of work colleagues who went out on the town on pay day, naivity of a 16 year old was I could do the same, but the concern of a father for my safety never crossed my mind, one night I got so drunk that I didn't go home all night and because I didn't want an ear bashing for being home after kurfew I slept on the front door of the flats.  When I awaoke in the morning, I got the lacing of my life from my Dad and memories of that face were still raw, this being the face I saw when he would hit my Mum.

I decided to leave, it was then I met the father of my only child and beloved son.

26/11/2012

Dear Diary,

Talking about when one door closes another door opens!!! God is being so good to me, truly I am blessed!!!

I was, and am often so concerned about being a parent to a young carer, and how much CJ has had to, and is still going through, but God made a way for him to be praised in his efforts, just this month he and his radio co-host were discovered via their social networking page and an email was sent to the station I volunteer at requesting an interview with them.

'Shout Magazine' a national teenage magazine in the UK published a beautiful feature helping to raise awareness of young adult carers roles.  I was and am such a proud parent that on the morning it was released I went down to the local shops still in my PJ's (Lol) and bought not 1 but 10 copies!!!!  What can I say 'Stage Mom' or what?

Shout Magazine page 66-67

I gave a copy to my Mum, Dad, his Dad, his school, my G.P's, and the station.  All I could think of was how the "stone the builder rejected became the head corner stone" a bible verse my mother used to always encourage me with as a child growing up, it's kind of like saying "every dark cloud has a silver lining".

More good news, I WON!!! Yes WON my DLA tribunal, through the support of my Social Workers, Occupational Therapists, Consultants, Physiotherapist and G.P, the evidence I was able to provide from them to the court meant that they recognise the difficulties I face living with 'Fibromyalgia'.  Although I have good and bad days, my condition impacts me severely enough to qualify for support, Glory be to God!!! 

With all the good things that have been happening to me and my family one would think I could be happy right? I am but lately I have not been able to shake this depression I've been going through.  I feel low and can't even explain why?!?!

My support worker thinks it's because the next battle for me is to be in a home that has adaptations enabling me to be more independent, getting more control over my condition so that I can have a schedule, be more organised and stick to plans when I make them.

I know I have so much to offer career wise and could really get somewhere, but I feel like the 365 days a year I am blessed enough to see, always end up with me having 300 bad days and 65 good days!  (That is just an estimate and a feeling of course) the reality is I can't say how many bad days I actually have, as although I make a personal diary, the days I am feeling low in mood, I just seem to feel so numb, that I can't function to read, write or think!  I just seem to stare into space.  Then there are days when I can function to write a diary but I'm in so much pain that I'm limited in functionability.  But my silver lining is the days when I feel on cloud 9, I'm feeling little or controllable pain, I put on my glad rags and my face (thank God for MAC cosmetics), with the support of carers, loved ones and good colleagues, I'm feeling like the old me before I had 'Fibromyalgia'.  I can drive, attend media functions, the radio station or other community based projects, be around people without feeling anxious, be in a moving vehicle without thinking about how I may be in a road traffic accident, not be afraid of what people think of me, or what people may do to hurt me.  Those days are the days I just can't contain my happiness and wish the whole world to know about it.  The best way I can describe this feeling is meeting your baby for the first time after waiting 9 months for their arrival, or graduating from university with honours, or getting a tax rebate cheque in the post instead of another demanding bill payment.

The other morning I was feeling so low, and had been feeling depressed for about 2 weeks, I guess some who don't understand might say "your feeling kind of sorry for yourself", but I couldn't explain for the life of me why?  Then I took a moment and stopped to think; suppose I were really going through major problems right now, I have roof over my head and food in my fridge, I have a beautiful son, a loving mother and I have the grace of God!

But do you know what came before all of this deep thinking, I turned my TV on and had an urge to listen to the 'UCB Media Radio' on my sky channel.  As soon as I did this the scripture reading that I heard immediately as I had pressed the buttons on the remote was Isaiah 43:2  "When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee."  

So now when I'm feeling low I'm going to make a conscious effort to do a small thing for myself to give myself the kick up the butt that I need, my Physiotherapist once told me "even if you set yourself one goal a day, it can be as small as washing your face, it will make a difference to how you feel"

My encouragement to myself, when I'm feeling low again will be, try not to aim for things that are often in-achievable, have them in mind as a goal for the future, but don't ignore the small precious things life has to offer, it's these small things that give the most longevity to happiness! :)

20/08/12

Dear Diary,

I've been going through a lot of changes lately, changes with my medications, changes with my finances, changes with my volunteer roles, changes with my living circumstances and changes as a parent.

Let's start with my concerns about my medical conditions, Fibromyalgia - I know the winter is fast approaching and anticipate being more housebound, this is concerning to me and I am doing my best to plan ahead.  I have a car but it's due for an MOT and the tax has to be renewed.  My back-up plan to that is my mobility scooter.  However, I'm concerned that I'll be so ill, I will not be able to function from the side effects of having to take morphine based pain meds.

My finances, I'm currently going through a tribunal with the DLA and am concerned following the 'Panorama' and 'Dispatches' expose of how the new government intitiative called "Working Capability Assesment" may effect the results.  It has been reported that there is a million pound contract between the company contracted to provide Doctor's who carry out these "Medical Assesments" and rigid guidelines have been set in place by them inhibiting the amount of people they qualify for DLA on a point scoring system.  I'm trying to keep an open mind but predict that even if my DLA is reinstated through the "Tribunal" I'll be sent to take another WCA and have to go through the whole draining and frankly incapacitating procedure again.

I had arranged to take a vacation with CJ, my Mum and I to Jamaica, the persons we booked through were bogus and we lost our money this was quite distressing, and because of my "Adjustment Reaction Disorder" it led me to be quite ill mentally. I let down the place where I volunteer I had arranged to get voice overs from Jamaica and left me looking like an idiot, and I lost the respect of my managers. I'm trying to keep an open mind about getting my monies back but the likelihood is slim.

Following this my son also volunteers with a friend of his who happens to be a young carer, they have been making such an effort to get things right over the past couple of months and have progressed, however due to 'office politics' which they are far too young to understand, they were really let down.  However I was encouraged by the UCB reading today. 

"Is your goal to restore prodigals, or do you have a hidden agenda to elevate yourself by condemning those around you?"  I believe there was a mole behind all of this who indirectly did all they could to sabotage a young persons dreams not mine, but a young persons, which is quite sad and cowardly, I wonder if they realise that children are not always going to be children and will grow up one day! I tried my hardest to explain myself to someone I considered to be a colleague and a friend who sadly got caught in the crossfire, but due to his various other commitments and work load, he just could not understand where I was coming from, I tried various different approaches, talking to him alone, sending emails, and confiding in him with my carers present, but even they observed that he just doesn't seem to understand where "you are coming from or what you're trying to say... you both have different opinions and just have to agree to disagree." However there are many other organisations my son can seek support from and many other people too so he will progress with God's help. I'm still finding it hard to cope at home, I'm desperate for adaptations, I'm also desperate for support with parenting, I'm missing the old me and CJ is too, but my medical consultants have advised my conditions are long term and will not improve but get worse. I feel like such a burden to CJ I've tried so hard to get things right for him but seem to fail each time, his future was so bright until he became a young carer and as much as it breaks my heart he may be better off elsewhere with someone who can give him what he needs? Thoughts of self harming came thick and fast all of last week and the week before, so I had to start smoking again.  I can't take certain medications when driving because my responses are not as quick, so I'll visit my G.P today and ask for advice. Needless to say this had an impact on my mobility, stress effects Fibromyalgia but stress isn't avoidable at all times, and the support I'm having through "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" is helpful. I will not give up where there is a will there is a way and I am a firm believer that when one door closes another door opens.

09/08/2012

Dear Diary,

Woke up this morning with swollen right hand and numbness in my finger tips and left foot.  I spent a couple of hours with my friend and her new-born baby girl yesterday, I took so many photos, I felt like the paparazzi LOL. I realised when I am focused on other things, I become distracted from the pain I'm in which helps me to relax.  Also I didn't wish to have any negative vibes around this angel from heaven.

It was nice to be around positive people I will miss her as she lives far away, and is like a footballers wife constantly having to relocate.  I made sure to take plenty of pictures so I can reminisce when she's gone, it also helped me to remember what CJ was like when he was a baby, how vulnerable children are and why they rely on us as parents to give good direction.

It was encouraging reading my UCB daily devotional yesterday, I've been going through so much turmoil mentally with the turn of events this weekend, yesterday I just took a me day.

I couldn't go into the radio station as I was still quite emotional.  However I completed little tasks as my physiotherapist has advised and it really helped.  I was able with my carers support to shower and dress.  Put some clothes on and go outside in the sun.  I really thank God that I have my legs back as I call them, a mobility scooter and car, because I am able to drive to my Mum's and enjoy the freedom and I can walk the dogs, whilst in my scooter, which is fantastic.  I'm trying to focus on the things I can do, and less on the things I can't and, I wish to enjoy life.

My good day yesterday, has really helped my mood today, it was just what the doctor ordered, talking with my carer, family and friends, really has helped to uplift me, and although I am in pain, my spirit is well. Ultimately my mothers constant prayers are keeping me.  So I also did what she advised and cried out in prayer telling God, "you said a broken and a contrite heart you will not despise and I'm broken Lord please fix me" the darkness overshadowing the home was lifted.  I felt better.  I am most proud of the fact I didn't self harm at all yesterday too, I listened to the advice of my Occupational Therapist, and found another way to cope.  I just hope I will always be able to cope in this way, with God's help.

I'm looking forward to today, my aim is to enjoy the sun as it should be a hot day today.  Chill with the puppies and my son, and do some more writing.

UCB Words of Encouragement: 

"You can be purpose-driven and convince people that their only value to you is in what they contribute. When it comes to your 'spirit,' you need a regular check-up." 'Love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be the sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful' (Luke 6:35-36 NKJV). Such words bring us to our knees, for we fall far short of practising them. "Little is much in the eyes of God...Less is sometimes more...cheap is often more expensive...ah no everyting good fi eat good fi talk" Mum

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA HONORED - HILL HARPER, FANTASIA, JULIAN BOND

Dear Diary,

I remember as a young child my mother would tell me a bible story of how long it took to build a temple that David dreamed of but Solomon completed.  Thinking back to this story I look at how well I was doing over the last couple of weeks, and how easily my spirits were crushed, my boss  encouraged me in love and said that I "have to toughen up" and I so wish I could, but years of being broken down has taken a toll on me mentally.  Each time I go a step forward, I'm pulled back 10 steps.  At times I feel like a tortoise slowly moving, when danger comes, I retract into a shell and stay there for safety, then slowly come out and start moving again.

The encouragement I needed to come out of my shell came when I turned the T.V on, and saw my Mum on the local 6:00pm news, I was actually on the phone to her and we screamed together because of what a pleasant surprise it was.

Following this last night although going through the #PTSD blues again, where negative thoughts and memories encircle your mind, I took to Youtube and found the above footage of President Obama.  It uplifted me to see someone who had a dream, and carried it through.  However he was not an island he had to have the support of the public, friends, work collegues and business associates.  I remember reading his book during my 3 month stay in hospital, so I'm going to take time out to read "Dreams Of My Father" again, because my mother has a dream for me too, just as do I for my son CJ.

I've been talking a lot to my Mum about her heritage, and journey to Wales from #Jamaica.  What it was like for her coming to a place so far away. I wonder why even though she has lived here since she was 13, still refers to Jamaica as "back home".

She says: "it was hard for me coming to Wales, the weather was cold, people in school were not very nice, often mimicking my accent and these were people who were of mixed Black heritage themselves, I used to have to defend myself physically because before I was a christian fear was the only way you could gain respect, problems were resolved with street fights, and if you lost you let it go."

She would often find solus in cooking she worked in the first Caribbean cafe to my knowledge to open in Wales, owned by my Grandfather Lionel Nation.  Reminiscing my Mum recalls "he would have many Domino evenings there, but I would only work in the day and my brother Freddy would work in the night.  It was lonely for me I missed my Mum and other brothers and sisters, but I enjoyed studying in school and focused on that."

It was interesting for me to learn of how my Mum met my Dad, "there was a couple of us living by the embankment, your Dad used to talk to me but I didn't really fancy him, one day I was so ill I couldn't move, I'd caught flu, he looked after me made me soup and 33 years later here you are" she laughs.

I often admire my mother for her strength of character and all she has achieved, her going from Waitress to a qualified Computer Tutor with an honorable degree to show for her perseverance.  She was and is a fantastic mother. Something I questioned was why after she finished with my father she waited 9 years before another relationship, she says "I wanted to wait on the Lord, I didn't want to bring someone into the home who would not be a good father to you, I wanted the best for you"

I think my happiest memories will be standing at a bus stop in the freezing cold weather waiting for a bus to take us home, my mother would try to keep my skinny body warm in her long coat given to her by my Aunty who lived in Switzerland, she would sing Jamaican songs to me like "Carry me ackee go ah Linstead market... and Get jungle get jungle fresh..."  

I'm actually in tears thinking of about this, and although I was unable to function to make it into Radio Cardiff today because of how weepy and low in mood I feel another symptom of #Fibromyalgia and #PTSD, I'm playing my music, singing enjoying the company of my carer and doing little jobs from home.  My Physiotherapist says sometimes I just need to tick off little things that I do, like I was able to get up wash my face, and have breakfast today instead of laying in bed depressed.  

My Wednesday words of wisdom to encourage myself are "Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12  

To everything there is a season "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance," Ecc 3:4

"A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life. A gracious word may soothe the way, a joyous word may light the day. A timely word may lessen stress, a loving word may heal and bless" #UCB Media 

06/08/2012

Dear Diary,

Words cannot describe how I'm feeling so much has been going on, that I could not even focus enough to enjoy the Jamaican Independence or Olympics like I would have wished.

Been feeling the #PTSD blues really badly lately and it's not helping having negative persons around me, so I seperated myself from someone who I have known for 8 years, I just could not tolerate the nonsense any longer. It hurt initially especially as this ex-friend has now made an ally of someone who I consider to be dishonest. However 'birds of a feather flock together' and there are qualities in this person which are admiral to the naked eye, so I understand the attraction.  

I've been quite concerned about how swollen my joints keep getting, not sure if this is a symptom of Fibromyalgia or the falls I have.  My right hand, right knee and left foot have been so swollen my skin feels tight.  I've also been struggling turning to the left.  However my mobility has been quite good over the last couple of days.  I've tried to keep moving irrespective of the pain, I also believe the change from not so cold to, not too hot weather has helped. I'm not looking forward to winter though. 

My emotions have been all over the place, not sure if it's due to my medications and their negative side effects, or the politics of having to work alongside people with different personalities.  Many times I still find myself longing to not leave the house, and stay away from the public, the fear of unfamiliar people and harm is constant and it raises it's ugly head often when triggered by malicious actions.  I've become weepy and had anxiety attacks.  An example would be what I have been through this weekend.

I volunteer in various community roles to encourage my son not to fall into a negative stereotype, to persevere for success, irrespective of your inabilities or colour of skin.  I believe that every time one door closes God will open another door.

I find it hard to cope with a huge circle of friends, trust is not easy to come by when you have been through various incidents of abuse.  So I can count my friends on one hand.

This weekend negative actions have stirred up negative reactions from me especially as I do not have the advantage that other people who are able have.  I've had to pull on so much encouragement from my carers, mother and son in order to not self-harm.  I did slip up, I'm not perfect, however the milestone I reached was, I didn't accept the negative words that were being spoken to me!  I also chose to withdraw myself from the situation that was the trigger, even when these people intentionally placed themselves into my working space to cause a negative situation, having full knowledge of my disabilities, and the affects their behaviour could have on my mental well-being.  Pleased to say, I handled myself with some dignity and remained calm, I tried to look at it like a comedy.  

The good news is, now looking back on the situation, I think I'm finding the old me again, one day at a time, but I think I may be on the road to recovery, in the sense of coping with traumatic situations.  I didn't hold my feelings in and let things fester and bottle up I released them and it helped.

I also drew on encouragement from the Olympics, facebook friends, UCB Media and quotes from posters.

Olympics: Watching Felix Sanchez win a Gold medal although I am Jamaican will stay in my memory forever, I was irratated by seeing him cry for so long because he had won, he had looked so manly when he raced to victory, and screamed with delight.  But it was my son who pointed out "Mum you don't know what he has been through, people could have told him he's too old..." I thought he's right we just know what we see, him at the starting line, running, and winning the race; we don't see the mental endurance it takes to come thorugh irrespective of peoples negativity, the discipline and focus, the time away from family and friends, the loss before the win. 

UCB Media: "Be an example in conduct... 

govern my life and thoughts as though the world were to see one and read the other..." Quotes: "What ever you do may seem insignificant, but it is most important that you do it" Ghandi Mum:  "no one is perfect and people with good intentions are also prone to make mistakes they're human after all. 'Must Jesus bare the cross alone and all the world go free? There's a cross for everyone and there's a cross for me'  CJ: "Maybe it's time to move on" Carers: "Try not to get stressed, it's not good for your health" Friend: "Maybe it would be good for you to break away" The word:   'Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? There is more hope of a fool than of him' (Proverbs 29:20) These precepts were ingrained in me when growing up with my mother and due to various accidents I forget them, I cannot afford to lose them for a second, as it lets down all her hard work.  When discussing the Jamaica 50th independence with her we came to the conclusion that it's a strength of character that is the common denominator in Jamaicans that will never pass or go away. So  I hope these words will continue to remain in my heart and encourage me through my darkest times, as I believe the less stressed I am, the more able I am to function.