31/05/2012

Dear Diary,

Yucky!

Feeling extremely sh**ty today!  My neck, and hands are hurting so badly, I'm trying to go as long as possible without touching the Fibromyalgia pain meds as I hate the negative side effects, but I can only rub so much Ibuprofen gel into my hands and I'll look like a patch quilt if i put anymore Lidocaine patches on.

I had a really rough night and I think all the stress of yesterday did not help.  I woke up feeling like I had not slept at all, I don't know why I allow people to really get to me, but I do!  My step-mother always used to say to me "never allow people to draw you into their madnesses" easier said than done at times, especially as we need every kind of people to make the world go around.

I'm really considering living the remainder of my years as a recluse, in my home with my dogs and never going out again! I absolutely find it unbearable to be around negative people, however, negative people have needs to and they need to be encouraged and the positivity that exists deep inside them persuaded to come forth. My Mum always tells me to "kill em with kindness" and that's exactly what I intend to do!

In times like this when I'm going through feeling like the people surrounding me are not working with me, but against me I think of the Sunday school story of Joseph and his technicoloured dream coat, how jealousy made his own brothers sell him out! How he still succeeded but then when he was regaining some type of life he was innocently thrown into jail for an alleged sexual assault! Irrespective he rose to the top, by thinking of others and not himself, when the opportunity arose for him to take revenge against his brothers with all the wealth and power he had he forgave them, loved them and embraced them into his kingdom.

I do believe that a change will come for me I just have to remain faithful that Jehovah my God, my Lord, my King my everything will watch over me and see me through, after all "his eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches over me"

29/05/2012

Dear Diary,

What a weekend it has been!  I'm still in recovery!

It's been a blast in Cardiff with the Olympic torch relay and all the celebrations going on throughout Wales in preparation for the Olympics.

I really wanted to be out watching the torch but I knew that I had to be in Caerphilly the next day volunteering with the BBC learning production team for the "Blue Peter Olympic Tour".

So I pleaded with my son to go and grab a photo for me in Cardiff town as this was history in the making the whole world would be watching Cardiff on the BBC Torch Cam.

I was sooo excited, I'm also one of the social networking assistants for Radio Cardiff so I was trying to watch, tweet and cheer all at the same time!  My hands were in agony from typing, and my right hand began to swell.  But I can't explain how happy and proud I was that the Olympic Torch was in Wales, I had tears in my eyes I was so proud of how well everything had been organized in Wales with the coverage on the internet, the people lining the streets to greet torch bearers, it was truly an amazing feeling.

Being in Caerphilly the following day was just what the doctor had ordered I felt like somebody had just paid my rent for the whole year and given me food shop vouchers at Tesco for the next 12 months! LOL! (I wish).  The view and scenery was indescribable, the air even smells different there!

Not pretty

Now for the bad news the repercussions of a fun in the sun weekend, I was aching all over, my foot and ankle swelled up like a balloon, my back and hip aching and my hands were throbbing constantly.

I felt quite down because I would like to apply for a job and work but with my Fibromyalgia not being under control, it holds me back, right now the best I can realistically offer is voluntary work.

I discussed this with my O.T who helped me to realize there are other ways I can feel independent, empowered and enabled at home, by just having a little tidy up, taking care of my needs and sorting little spaces at a time.  Having not been born with a disability I'm used to either tidying up the house in a day or two, but he taught me that I can still achieve something by pacing myself.

He made this analogy imagine you had to eat an elephant (I was like ewwwwww! No thanks" what would you do? You'd have to capture it, and cut it into small pieces!  Your home is the same, it's as huge as an elephant, so do sections of a room at any given time so not to wear yourself out.

It worked!!! I felt like I had accomplished something. :) I suppose this is any situation in life pace yourself and you can accomplish much more.  

He also suggested I speak to my G.P about water tablets grrrrr!!!! In the words of my son "Fibromyalgia sucks!"

21/05/2012

Dear Diary,

Words can't describe how I'm feeling today. 

The last two weeks have been quite chaotic, I've had to change care agencies, support family with my role in the planning of my Nanny Reid's funeral, and manage my health and roles in the community.

On the advice of my physiotherapist, I paced myself and tried not to overdo things as I'm no good to anyone in hospital.  This really worked I felt able to push through the pain, and rest when possible.

 

I had to focus on three things my role as a mother, work in Radio Cardiff and  drawing up a funeral program.  Everything else dramas, emotions of others I just let go over my head.

I have happily found that when I keep moving through the pain fibromyalgia symptoms cause it actually helps, I used to be frightened to move because of the fear of pain, there were also times I was just too exhausted, but the stiffer I was the more pain I felt.  I've also found that laughter and being around the positive influence of my family was just what the Doctor ordered, I love my Aunties and Uncles to bits they amaze me, and I'm so proud of my cousins too, they're all beautiful.  I couldn't believe how grown up my baby brother and sister are time truly flies, they're adorable.  I just wanted to kiss my brother on his chubby cheeks all the time but I held back as he is a boy and I don't want him to get a complex, but I was able to give a lot of love and kisses to my baby sister who is a cutey pops, OMG she has me weak in the knee caps, and if I'm not being biased is too cute to be true!

It was a wonderful send off we had the "Nine Nights" celebrations we cooked curry goat, fried fish, stew chicken, rice & peas it was yummy.  Our church came around and had a prayer meeting, at my Nanny and Gramps home we talked remembering the good times we shared with the both of them.

Getting through the funeral was not easy but easier than my Gramps as I knew what to expect, however I was unable to get through singing "Amazing Grace" and broke down in front of everyone on the second verse (embarrassing) but everyone was so understanding.  When I went to church on the Sunday I sang the 2nd verse to the Lord and felt completion.

Afterwards we had the wake it was really sweet to see all the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th generations supporting their elders, while they were seated they would go back and forth in the queue and serve them before they got their own plates of food.  My poor cousin who was helping me to get my plate of food back to the table and lost his place in the queue, so I tried to help by explaining what he had done and why he needed to jump back at the front of the queue again, he was like "no-one is gonna believe this, and I'm so tall, I can't even hide..." LOL, so I tried to help by explaining and all my cousins were in uproar comedically, they were having none of it LOL! They said "ah lie yuh ah tell" whilst staring him out bless!  I felt like a Princess when I got carried up and down the stairs by my other cousins, the time with them was so warming and I was proud to know this is the legacy my Grand-parents have left behind.

The day was not without little hiccups but all in all I think we did Nanny Reid proud, and I think Gramps would have been glad with the send off we gave him and Nan.

What was quite unusual to me is how one by one on the Sunday 2 days after the funeral, family members without knowing what the others were doing, all turned up to see Nan's resting place beside Gramps, none of us had planned this, so great minds think alike.

My son was amazingly patient through all of this and I truly thank God for him.  Teaching him the old traditional ways of Jamaicans was a task, as there are times he asked me questions I did not have the answer to, like why children should be seen and not heard when adults are conversing, but he got it in the end, and was quite respectful, he did me proud.

The repercussions on my health are not as bad as I thought it might be because of all the stress, the soles of my feet feel like I'm walking on hot coal and my hands feel like someone has nailed nails into them.  Taking the advice of medical professionals no matter how absurd it may seem really worked for me, and although I felt selfish for taking time out, i know my capabilities and less is sometimes more.

All in all I will never ever forget the efforts of my grandparents who broke down boundaries to get where we the next generation are today.  I just hope I make them proud and do the family name justice.

11/05/2012

Dear Diary,

It's been a tough couple of weeks my Nanny Reid passed away, I've had issues with a particular person who seems intent on trying to cause drama for me in my small circle of friends, work acquaintances and family.  But no one is without stress or drama and who am I to think that my life is going to be easier or any better than another persons.  I just have to keep on kicking!

I spent time with my family yesterday which was so comforting even in the darkest of hours, feeling the burn a little today and not looking forward to seeing all the sorrow of my family heartache at the funeral for Nan but just have to remain strong for them.

I've also got a new care agency in place supporting me with my care who'll start in 2 weeks!

On the brighter side I've finally had some good news from my RTA solicitor and can look forward to seeing a Rheumatologist and Pain management team so things are looking up! :D